Come Around
by classact24x7
Summary: Nathan Scott had everything. The whole school at his feet, a beautiful girlfriend, amazing friends. So why does he keep coming back to Haley James?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Chasing The Night**

_These are the days we will always remember_

_Chasing the night to make our days better_

_The sun sets and we're setting sail to another town_

_Got all the windows down and the radio on_

_Let's do it again, keep in rhythm with our hearts_

_This is why we wake up, what it's all about_

**~ Every Avenue ~**

"Nathan, Nathan! Hello, Earth to Nathan!" The voice reverberated in the cavernous gym, and everyone turned to stare at the girl yelling her boyfriend's name. Nathan lifted his eyes, rubbing them tiredly, and looked at the girl before him.

"Yeah what, babe?"

"The game's starting in a half hour. I just wanted to wish you good luck," the girl said walking seductively over to him.

Nathan smiled and grabbed her slim waist in his hands. "Thanks," he said huskily capturing her lips with his. He could feel her mouth spreading, and their tongues mingling. It felt good, but as always there was that one little thing missing. He pulled away and smiled softly at her. "I should go get ready," he said before giving her another quick peck and running off to the locker room.

The girl stepped back in formation with the rest of the stretching cheerleaders, tossing her hair behind her as she got closer to her friend, and the captain of the squad. "He seems off, doesn't he?" she asked her.

Brooke Davis shrugged. "He's just being Nathan, Rach." She turned around and shot a look to her long-time best friend Peyton Sawyer. Peyton smiled and gave a small laugh in return. Brooke genuinely liked Rachel. They were friends, but she was still relatively new to Tree Hill, and didn't really understand her boyfriend's past and mood swings like his old friends did.

Rachel turned to Peyton, not satisfied with Brooke's answer. "Doesn't he seem off to you, Peyt?" she asked pressing the issue.

Peyton rolled her eyes. She had dated Nathan the previous year, and even though she was completely over him, she still didn't really like Rachel. She tolerated her as part of their crowd, but she didn't really consider them as anything more than acquaintances. "I'm sure he'll be fine after he wins the game, gets drunk, and has sex with you," she replied a bit sarcastically.

Rachel sighed and tossed her hair again. She went over to talk with another cheerleader friend, Bevin, clearly exasperated with both Brooke and Peyton. Brooke shook her head with a smile on her face, when she caught her boyfriend's face looking at her. She winked at him and shouted, "Go Broody." Lucas Scott's face turned a shade of red but he smiled at her in his adorable awkward manner still.

"Geez Brooke," Peyton said coming to stand next to her, "The game hasn't even started yet."

"It's never too early to support your man, P. Sawyer," she said while shooting Lucas another wink. Peyton rolled her eyes but smiled, as Lucas winked back at Brooke before heading himself into the locker room. He walked to his locker and turned the lock. He turned to look at his brother, whose head seemed to be in the clouds.

"You okay, little brother?" he asked teasingly knowing Nathan hated when he called him that.

Nathan shot him a look, and replied, "Of course," with a self-assured smirk, as he bent down to tie his sneakers.

"Okay good," Lucas replied nodding before starting to get ready himself. Nathan sat down on the bench silently, his face set in stone. Even though he and Nathan hadn't gotten close until about a year ago, he could tell he was in one of his moods. Although he was focused and determined to win, his mind was thinking, brooding over something else. Lucas shook his head, hoping that whatever this was would pass. Once he finished, he turned to look at Nathan. "You coming?" he called.

"Yeah," Nathan replied getting up and starting to walk out with him. It was game time. Everything else could wait.

Two hours passed, and there was 30 seconds left on the clock in the last quarter. Nathan dribbled furiously to their side of the court. They were down by two, but he wasn't losing this game. His dribbling slowed as he looked for someone to pass the ball too. He looked over at the cheerleaders for a moment. Brooke was screaming excitedly, while Peyton looked on impassively. Nathan chuckled before catching Rachel's eye. He passed the ball to Lucas, who almost immediately passed it back to him. Rachel winked sexily at him and he smirked. With the ball in his hands, he was golden, he was confident. And then he saw her. Her long wavy hair was pulled back in a messy bun, and she was wearing jeans and a simple t-shirt. He stared at the sliver of her stomach showing, unable to look away. He heard people yelling at him to take a shot, pass, do something, but he was immobile. Without thinking, he pushed the ball in Jake Jagielski's direction. Jake looked at him quizzically but quickly passed to Lucas, with five seconds left on the clock. Lucas positioned himself at the three point line, before jumping to take the shot. It went through with a swish and the room erupted in cheers. Brooke ran from her spot with the cheerleaders into his arms, peppering his face with kisses. Even Peyton was smiling. But there was one person who wasn't cheering. The girl's warm brown eyes met Nathan's, and she stared at him worriedly. He glanced at her, but then looked away to go find Rachel. He hated himself for having lost it at just a mere glimpse of her.

Rachel met him on the outskirts of all the celebrating players and cheerleaders. "What was that?" she asked, slightly annoyed that her boyfriend wasn't the one getting all the attention.

"Nothing," Nathan said attempting a smirk, "Just thought I'd share the wealth with the rest of the team."

"Whatever," Rachel said, shooting him a look, "We still going to Tim's party?"

"Yeah okay," Nathan said his head elsewhere.

Rachel humphed and walked over to Bevin. Nathan sighed and ran a hand through his short raven black hair. At that moment Lucas walked over to him, Brooke at his heals smiling wildly. "Thanks man," he smiled, bumping fists with Nathan, "Good game."

"You were great, Nate," Brooke agreed, "But not as good as my Broody." She kissed his nose tenderly before moving her lips to meet his in a very wet kiss. They seemed lost in their own world as Lucas moved his hands to her lower back, dipping dangerously close to her butt.

Nathan rolled his eyes. "Do you guys ever stop?" he complained.

"They don't," Peyton said approaching with Jake in tow, "Trust me I've tried. Even mentioning the apocalypse doesn't work."

Nathan laughed and bumped fists with Jake. "Good game, man."

"Yeah you too," Jake smiled, but he was still eyeing Nathan a bit curiously.

Brooke finally broke away from Lucas, but not without giving him a sexy private smile. Everyone in the circle groaned, but she ignored them. "So who's ready to party?"

"I am," Nathan replied thinking he could really use a beer right now. His eyes scanned the gym for the girl, but it was pretty empty by now. He shook his head free of the thoughts and looked back at his friends.

"Okay I have to change first," Brooke said, "Peyton, come help me."

"Why can't Lucas help you," she whined, "After all he's the only one who wants to see you shirtless." Lucas blushed while everyone else laughed.

"That is so not true," Brooke exclaimed as she grabbed Peyton's arm and began to drag her away. "I'll have you know that I was voted Most Beautiful….." Peyton looked back with a 'help' look and all the boys started laughing.

"There she goes on another of her rants," Jake said affectionately.

"Seriously man, how do you stand her?" Nathan asked kiddingly. Honestly he loved Brooke, everyone did. In fact she was probably one of his oldest friends.

"I love her," Lucas said with a smile.

"Oh no," Nathan groaned, "Here comes the sappy stuff."

"You're so whipped," Jake said with a laugh.

The boys laughed until Rachel reemerged with Bevin in tow. "Where are the girls?" she asked sidling up to Nathan.

"They went to go change," he replied resting his arm around her waist.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Didn't anyone ever tell them that a cheerleading outfit is sexy and turns boys on? Why do they have to change? We're gonna be late," she complained.

"Well we know Lucas would take Brooke out of anything," Nathan joked before promptly receiving a punch in the arm.

"Oww that hurt man," he grimaced.

"Well if you're talking trash about my sexy boyfriend you deserve it," Brooke said reappearing; now wearing tight jeans and skimpy red halter top. Peyton seemed eclipsed in her short jean skirt and a wicked tight band tee.

"You look beautiful, babe," Lucas said nuzzling Broke nose and kissing her forehead.

"Oh here we go," Peyton sighed before grabbing Jake's hand and walking out towards the parking lot. The rest of the group soon followed. They each went to their respective cars and drove the 10 minutes it took to get to Tim's house. Once they arrived, cars were already spilling out of the driveway. The house was lit brightly, and loud music emanated from the large structure.

Nathan smiled and grabbed Rachel's hand, pulling her into the house. Immediately he grabbed them two drinks. She downed one before smirking seductively at him, and jumping atop Tim's dining room table, as she slowly grinded into the air. People stopped what they were doing and glanced in awe. A few guys shot Nathan looks, basically telling him how he lucky he was. But he already knew. He was rich, had great friends, was an amazing athlete, and was dating one of the hottest and sexiest girls in school. On paper it all sounded good, but in reality… Well he couldn't explain it, but there had to be a reason why he kept coming back to…. No, he said shaking the thoughts free from his head. He turned his eyes back to Rachel's sexy body moving suggestively atop a table. He felt himself get more and more turned on before finally grabbing her and kissing her possessively. She squealed uncharacteristically as he dragged her to the nearest empty room, while everyone laughed, pleased for the king of their school.

Lucas watched the spectacle from the dance floor, as he held Brooke close to him. Her taut body grinded slowly into his and he kissed her languidly before pulling back and looking into her eyes. "You're worried about him," Brooke said matter-of-factly.

Lucas nodded and gently pulled her with him to sit on the sofa with him. "He seems so, I don't know, unhappy." Lucas shook his head.

"I know what you mean," Brooke said sadly.

"I think he's fine," Peyton said stubbornly, interrupting, as she and Jake sat down next to Brooke and Lucas. "We all just need to stop worrying about him. He's fine. Well except for the fact that he's probably contracting some venereal disease," she said cocking her head to the room Nathan and Rachel had disappeared into.

Brooke snorted. "Come on Rachel's not that bad," Jake said trying hard not to laugh.

"I know," Peyton said, "But well you know." They all nodded. They did know. In their hearts they knew that Rachel was not what Nathan needed. But they also didn't know who or what was. But there was no point in wasting a party thinking about it. Tonight was time to have fun, and that is certainly what they would do.

After about an hour, Nathan re-entered the party with Rachel behind him. Cheers erupted as people saw them and Nathan smirked cockily. He turned to kiss Rachel in front of all of them, but she was already off with Bevin dancing and socializing. Nathan sighed and turned to look for the rest of his friends. Tim was going from girl to girl, hitting on all of them, and having zero success, despite the fact that they were all at his house. Brooke and Lucas were, of course, making out on the dance floor, while Peyton and Jake were sitting on the couch, laughing and talking. Nathan smiled. It was only a matter of time before they got together. His and Peyton's relationship had been crap, and he was glad she was moving on, especially to someone as nice as Jake. He turned his eyes back to Rachel but she was now dancing with a bunch of girls. Her moves were just as provocative as before, but they no longer seemed enticing. They just looked slutty. Nathan sighed and held his head in his hands. How many drinks had he had? Only one, he was pretty sure. That was okay to drive. He needed to get out of here, he couldn't breathe here.

He turned and walked from the party, not bothering to tell anyone where he was going. They could assume whatever that wanted. He got into his car and drove, just drove. Although he didn't want to, he arrived in front of her house. He could see the light in the rear left corner was still on. She was up. He smiled for real the first time that night and started walking towards the backyard to climb up the tree that led directly to the window to her room. He climbed up quickly and peeked inside. She was perched at the edge of her bed, guitar in hand. Her reddish blonde hair was cascading down her shoulders, just as he liked it. It shook against her plain white tank top. The window was slightly ajar so he heard her sweet voice singing.

_So there's an angel at your shoulder,  
and she is watching over you  
She is fragile and small,  
and she is rarely in the new  
it's such a perfect view  
she sees everything you do  
So it's no surprise  
she knows when I am in the room_

Nathan pushed the window open fully and swung his long legs through. In less than a second he was standing in the corner of her room. Her soft voice stopped suddenly and she looked up at him. A smile spread over her pretty face. She didn't say anything. She just waited for him to begin and come closer.

"Hi," he said awkwardly alternating loving and hating how she was the only one who could make him feel heroic and fallible at the same time.

"Hey," she smiled again, as she put the guitar back in its case and sliding it under her bed.

"So what are you up to?" he asked for lack of anything better to say.

She laughed. "Singing."

He looked at her and laughed too. "Can I…." He began but couldn't finish the sentence.

She nodded and swung her head to the drawer where he kept stuff, for when he slept here. Nathan crept over and took a pair of shorts out to sleep in. He removed his shirt, and her breathing hitched, as it did every time she saw his chiseled torso. He smirked as he continued to change into the shorts before approaching the bed and finally taking a good look at her. Her white tank top clung to her upper body, and the little plaid shorts she wore, gave him full view of her petite legs. This, just seeing her like this, without make-up, just wearing pajamas and with her hair pouring down in waves, reminded him why he couldn't stay away. She was just too beautiful.

"Nathan?" she asked tentatively as he stared at her, wondering why he wasn't getting into the bed. He smiled at her before joining her on the bed. They lay back together and stared at the ceiling.

Nathan trailed his fingers up her arm. "You're so beautiful, you know," he said. She shuddered and rolled over to look at him.

"How is possible for something to feel so right and yet so wrong?" she asked gazing into his deep blue eyes.

Nathan sighed, wishing he had the answer. But he didn't. Instead he had the same question; he asked it at least 5 times a day. He had a girlfriend. He was with Rachel. She was beautiful and sexy. Why did he keep coming back here? To her. To Haley. Haley, his lips caressed the word, and he was filled with uncontrollable desire. Without bothering to answer her he lifted her neck and brought his lips to hers. She reciprocated eagerly, and let his tongue enter her mouth. His lips tingled from the taste of her strawberry chap stick, which he craved. He practically devoured her face, wanting more, needing more. Haley's body responded urgently as she moved on top of him. Nathan growled into her mouth, before pulling away and flipping them over. He moved his lips to attack her neck. He kissed and sucked, growing even more aroused by the moans that came from her mouth. He loved that he made her feel like this. His hands moved slowly down until they rested on her waist. She shivered under him but lifted her head to meet his in another passionate kiss. His hands tickled her stomach as they lifted up inch by inch, until her tank top was completely off and disregarded on the floor. His hands immediately continued their path up as he felt the hardened skin of her chest beneath him. He rubbed his thumbs over her gently, greedily listening to her moans.

"Nathan," she said, her stomach a pile of butterflies, "It feels so, so good." He moved his mouth to where his hands had previously been, letting his hand tangle in her honey locks. He kissed the valley between her breasts before licking his way up to capture her lips again. Haley boldly darted her tongue into his mouth before breaking away. Using whatever strength she had left, she pushed Nathan over as she straddled his waist. She began at the basin of his stomach and kissed each one of the muscles of his abdomen. Nathan shuddered, groaning at the sensations running through him. She kept kissing up and up, stopping for a moment at his neck, which she kissed tenderly, before kissing his lips once more. It was hot and passionate, but it gradually grew slower and slower. And Nathan knew they were stopping. Haley wrapped her arms around his neck holding him close, her bare chest against his tempting him, but he held back. He knew she wasn't ready yet. It scared him in fact that he wasn't even sleeping with Haley, yet he was still coming to make out with her, even when he had a girlfriend who had no qualms giving it up before their first date had even finished. It scared him a hell of a lot.

Haley yawned, and Nathan smiled. She was so adorable; he stroked her hair softly. "You were so good tonight, Nathan."

"You mean just now," he teased with a smirk.

Haley blushed, which caused Nathan to smile even more. He loved how innocent she was, but yet how he was able to bring out the more assertive side of her. "No at the game. You played well."

"I always do," he said confidently.

Haley smiled but bit her lip. She was proud of him, that was a given, but at the same time she couldn't help but feel sadness and annoyance that she couldn't ever show this publicly. That she couldn't truly ever express how much she cared about him.

"What's wrong?" Nathan asked immediately sensing something was off by her twisted facial expression.

"I just I feel," Haley looked at him but seeing his pained expression, she finished lamely with, "Nothing." She knew he didn't want to talk about it. He never wanted to talk about it.

Nathan wanted to say something, to reassure her, but he knew he couldn't. He didn't even understand it himself. He wished sometimes that he could just break up with Rachel and be done with everything; basketball, obligations, social status, but he knew that would never happen. He liked Haley, he really did. And she was so good, so unlike him. He knew how much it had to hurt her to be going against her morals. But he didn't know what to do. He couldn't give her up, but he somehow couldn't end it with Rachel. Instead all he said was, "I'm tired."

Haley nodded, and rolled away from his grasp, leaving him somewhat cold and empty.

"Hey, don't be like that," he tried to reassure her with a smile, and pull her back to him.

Haley looked at him and didn't say anything for a few minutes. Her face was a mix of care, disappointment, and sadness. "Let's just go to sleep," she said and turned away from him.

Nathan looked at her hair spread out over the sheet covering her half-naked body, and felt like a complete moron. He didn't know what to do, so he did the only thing he could think of in that situation. He did what she said and drifted off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Time Won't Let Me Go**

_I am so homesick now _

_For someone I never knew_

_I am so homesick now _

_For someplace I will never be_

_Time won't let me go_

_If I could do it all again_

_I'd go back and change everything_

_But you won't ever let me go_

**~ The Bravery ~**

Nathan opened his eyes and looked at familiar surroundings. He burrowed his head into the pillow, trying to avoid the sunlight pouring in slants through the window. He cracked one eye open and saw the clock that read 9:03. Nathan groaned, wishing he could stay in this bed forever, knowing it wasn't an option. He rolled over and sat up and looked at the desk. Haley sat there quietly pushing a pencil across a page with her right hand and twirling her hair in her left. Nathan stared at her for several moments, before she shivered feeling someone's eyes on her and turned to look at him. She didn't smile or say anything, she just looked at him.

"Good morning," he said swinging his legs over the edge of the bed to collect his discarded clothes.

Haley nodded but still didn't say anything. Nathan looked over and smiled lazily. "Come on, Hales. Last night was just what I needed. It was amazing. You're amazing," he said as came closer and brushed his hands against her bare shoulders. Haley pulled away and stared straight into his eyes. "I know, Nathan. It's always amazing. That's what sucks."

He looked at her and rolled his eyes. He knew he was hurting her. He knew she cared about him, otherwise she wouldn't be doing this. "Haley, can we I don't know talk about this some other time. I really should go," he looked over at the clock again.

"I'm sorry I'm boring you," Haley gritted sarcastically before turning back to the pile of papers on her desk. Nathan sighed but stepped closer and bent down to whisper in her ear, "You could never bore me." Her ear tingled and she shivered as he began to place soft kisses on her neck before going down to the basin of her throat. Haley, unable to help herself, turned around and connected his lips to hers. She kissed him ardently, wanting more and more of him. Nathan finally pulled back and rested his forehead against hers, smiling into her eyes. "I promise. We'll talk about it later."

Haley shook her head, but there was a smile on her face. "No we won't," she stated plainly knowing he would avoid the issue, but she seemed much more resigned about it now. Like she knew there was no use talking about anything.

"I should go. Have fun today," he said kissing her cheek.

"Oh sure," Haley replied, "Homework and work, fun!"

"Well maybe you should do something fun with me later," Nathan whispered mischievously.

"If you want," Haley said giving him a coy smile and shrugging apathetically, pretending it didn't matter a wit to her. It drove him crazy.

"I do want," he persisted, "Come to my house at 8."

"Your house?" she asked hesitantly, "What if someone comes?"

"They won't. I'll take care of it," he said rubbing his head aggressively, wondering how he could make sure his friends didn't force him to go to another party tonight.

"Fine," she said turning back to her books, "Maybe I'll see you later." Nathan smiled at Haley before slipping through the window and down the tree to his ready and waiting car. He drove home and took a long shower, trying to wash away everything. After changing into a pair of fresh boxers, he grabbed shorts, and a wife-beater, and put them on. He yawned before heading back outside, and driving over to the River Court, where he knew Lucas would be. Up until last year, Lucas hadn't been on the team, and simply played basketball every chance he got at the River Court with some of his friends. It had taken Nathan some time, but he realized what a cool place it was, and now it was their designated hang out, as well as just a place to chill when things got crazy. Nathan stepped out of his car, and of course, he could make out Lucas's outline on the court.

"Hey man," he called.

Lucas turned and smiled and passed the ball over to Nathan. Nathan caught it easily and jumped up watching the ball sink into the basket. "So where'd you disappear to last night?" Lucas asked as he grabbed the ball and took another shot.

"I just needed air," Nathan said hoping Lucas didn't question him. Luckily Lucas just nodded in understanding. They boys began a heated game of one on one. They were tied at 14, when Brooke approached waving excitedly. Lucas smiled and ran over to kiss her. Nathan groaned. "Dude, I was just about to win," he complained to Brooke.

"In your dreams little brother," Lucas called. He approached with Brooke who was grinning widely.

"Hi boyfriend's brother," she said excitedly as Nathan winced, "You owe me 50 bucks."

"I so don't," he said turning to make another shot.

"No you really do," Brooke replied grabbing his arm to get him to look at her. "Guess who hooked up last night?"

"I already know you did, Brooke. You and my brother can't keep your hands off each other for five seconds."

Brooke grinned wickedly and turned to kiss Lucas hotly for a few minutes, "There's more of that later, Broody," she cooed as she heard Nathan groaning in frustration. She smiled victoriously; she loved making her friends annoyed by constantly touching and kissing Lucas. "So yes, I definitely did hook up last night. Your brother's just too hot," a pause for Lucas to blush, "But someone else did too."

"I have no idea, so just tell me," Nathan sighed willing her to get to the point with no more interruptions from his brother.

"Peyton and Jake," she squealed excitedly.

"Oh cool," Nathan said grinning until realizing what this meant, "Damnit!" he exclaimed.

"That's right, buddy," Brooke said grinning, "Fifty dollars please."

Nathan reluctantly tossed it over to her from his wallet, as Brooke caught it effortlessly and placed it next to the 50 dollar bill already there from Lucas. "These should make a nice pair of shoes," she murmured excitedly. Nathan rolled his eyes while Lucas smiled tenderly at his girlfriend.

"I knew we shouldn't have betted on this thing. Brooke's a girl, she just knows these things," Nathan mumbled. Lucas shrugged and laughed, while Brooke gave him a mini glare.

"I warned you guys."

"Hey why are you throwing money at another girl," Rachel asked teasingly. She approached and kissed Nathan before placing his arm around her waist. "I went to your house, but your car wasn't there. I figured you'd be here," she murmured.

"Is that right," Nathan said huskily leaning closer to her.

"Oh yeah," she smiled and leaned in to give him another kiss. "So where did you go last night? I thought you'd come over to my house for Round 2."

Nathan smirked. "Nah I was just tired."

"Well maybe tonight," Rachel purred, and Nathan just nodded, not wanting to tell her just yet that tonight didn't look so good either.

"Aight, who wants to head over to the café for lunch?" Lucas asked breaking them from their short conversation.

"I'm game," Nathan nodded and grabbed Rachel's hand, "Come on I'll drive." The four friends piled into Nathan's SUV, and drove the few miles to Karen's Café in downtown Tree Hill. They entered boisterously of course, and Karen looked up to smile at each of them as they entered. Lucas gave his mother a kiss, before settling into their favorite booth.

"I'll be right back," Brooke said putting her purse down, "I want to call P. Sawyer and Jakey." Lucas nodded and gave her quick peck before sitting down across from Rachel and Nathan.

"What are you getting?" Rachel asked Nathan placing her hand on his shoulder blade.

"Food," he mumbled hungrily. His stomach rumbled and he realized he hadn't eaten any breakfast.

A voice interrupted his thoughts. "Hi, what can I get you?" Nathan turned sharply and came face to face with Haley. She stared back at him for a split second before looking down at the pad in her hands. Nathan knew she worked here, but so far they had never run into each other at the café. Across from him, Lucas fidgeted awkwardly, not knowing what to say to his former friend. They had been best friends for 8 years, but last year they had drifted apart. Both he and Nathan looked down at the table, while Rachel stared rudely at Haley.

"I'll have the salad, low fat dressing on the side, and make sure your icky hands don't touch it, nerd." Haley rolled her eyes but wrote it down. She was about to look at Nathan to see what he wanted when Rachel's voice reappeared. "And sweetie, you could really take a hint and get it the next time you're in a restaurant. You're looking a little plump."

"Rachel," Lucas said a tone of warning in his voice.

"Forget it, Luke," Haley said dismissively but with power in her voice. Both Nathan and Rachel were surprised with the familiarity in her tone.

"Nerd, who are you? Why are you calling him Luke? You don't even know him."

Haley stared at Rachel and burst out laughing. "Oh wow. Obviously your friends don't tell you anything. Least of all the truth." She then turned to look at both Nathan and Lucas. "I'll get you guys your usuals," she said before marching away. Nathan looked after her wondering

"How does she know your usual?" Rachel asked suspiciously, but at this point Brooke returned. She caught a glance of her boyfriend as she sat down. "Rachel, just drop it."

Rachel shrugged and turned back to look at Nathan who was still staring in the direction Haley had disappeared to. "Were you guys?" he started to ask, but Brooke shot him a withering glance and he shut his mouth. Luckily, at that moment, Peyton and Jake appeared, hand in hand, both beaming slightly.

"Hey guys," Jake said as he sat down next to Nathan across from Peyton who joined with Brooke and Lucas.

"Congratulations. I'm happy for you. And you assholes cost me 50 bucks," Nathan said.

"Ummm," Peyton said looking around the table confused.

"That's his way of saying he's glad you two got together," Lucas said with a laugh.

"Uh okay what's going on?" Jake asked.

"We made a bet about when the two of you would get together. Brooke's time was the closest so she just pocketed 100 bucks from me and Nathan," Lucas explained.

"Oh you're all so dead," Peyton growled.

"Oh P. Sawyer, relax," Brooke said speaking up, "You got the guy so stop worrying about anything else."

Peyton smiled. "I'm not worried. By the way, Nathan where'd you go last night?"

Nathan sighed frustrated. "For the last fucking time, I was tired so I left."

"Whoa chill man," Jake said looking over at him worriedly, as did the rest of the group.

"I'm sorry, I'm fine," he said rubbing his head, which was a sure sign he was not.

"Yes you are," Rachel smiled snuggling up close to him. Nathan smirked when he caught Haley's eye as she approached with the food. He immediately frowned as he saw the pain in her eye. He hated hurting her. He hated doing this to both her and Rachel. But he couldn't stay away. He looked down at the table and avoided Haley for the rest of the meal. Once they were done, the friends stood up to pile out.

"Ok what now?" Brooke asked as they stood outside on the sidewalk.

"Well my parents aren't home," Rachel said wickedly, "And I'm thinking some quality time in our pool/hot tub could suit us all well."

"Sounds good to me," Nathan responded.

"I'm so there," Brooke squealed, grabbing Lucas's hand and pulling him to the car and the friends were off.

A few hours later, Nathan rested against the back to the hot tub with Rachel on his lap. He looked out and saw Peyton and Jake arguing good-naturedly about music in the cabana, while Brooke and Lucas were practically having sex in the pool. Nathan laughed and Rachel turned to look at him. Her eyes questioned him. He motioned toward the pool, and Rachel's eyes went wide for a second before joining in his laughter. "Don't worry, we get it cleaned every week."

"Good to know," Nathan replied.

"So who was the freaky girl at the café?"

Nathan heart felt like it was dropping and his stomach clenched when Rachel mentioned her. "What are you talking about?"

"The nerd waitress. Isn't her name like Hallie or something?'

"Haley James," he responded quietly.

"Yeah her. What did she mean that my friends don't tell me the truth?"

Nathan's body tensed as he tried to remain in control. "I honestly have no idea."

"Whatever, she's so annoying. She thinks she's so much better than everyone else, when in reality she's an ugly little nerd."

"Rachel, you barely know her. In fact every time you've talked to her, you've been rude and insulted her. Do you really expect her to like you?" he said knowing the full well the real reason Haley couldn't stand Rachel.

"Whatever," she mumbled, "She's just not one of us, you know."

"Yeah, I know." Boy, did he know. He knew all too well. And suddenly being here felt wrong. He glanced quickly at his watch. "Look Rach, I gotta go. My dad needs me," he lied.

"Ugh fine," Rachel replied lifting off of him so he could get up, "But we're hanging out tomorrow."

"Whatever you say," he smiled and leaned down to give her a goodbye kiss. He waved goodbye to the rest of his friends, but they seemed lost in the own worlds. He drove sullenly back to his house and crashed on his bed for the next two hours, just thinking about the day. At 5 minutes to 8, he heard a knock on his door expecting it to be Haley. He smiled and went to go open it, but instead of Haley he saw his dad.

"Hi, Dad," he started to say but Dan pulled him out into the hallway.

"Nathan what the hell was up with your game last night?" he asked angrily.

"Uh nothing," Nathan said, "I had 28 points."

"And you could have had 30 if you don't zone off at the end of the game! Do you think scouts want a kid who just decides at the end of the game to start fantasizing about something else? God you're pathetic."

"I'm sorry, Dad," Nathan said quietly, "I just… it was unusual circumstances."

"Unusual circumstances, my ass!" Dan screamed. "You're just lazy. God I can't even look at you right now. Tomorrow we'll go for a run. I'll show you how it's done."

"Looking forward to it," Nathan mumbled.

Dan turned back to look at him. "Your mother and I have to go to that dinner now, but I expect you in bed by 10. We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow."

Nathan nodded as Dan thundered down the stairs. He leaned against his door trying hard not to let a tear slip out. As he was about to turn, he noticed someone moving out of the bathroom down the hall. Haley. He looked at her and knew she had heard everything. He looked down, hating to appear weak before anyone. But he looked up to her expressive eyes, filled with worry, concern, and something that to him looked like love. He brushed it away and took in her appearance as she stepped closer. Nathan smiled a little. She had dressed up for him. Her jeans were tight, and she was wearing a black silk sleeveless shirt. Her hair was pulled back in a half-ponytail, and her face was lightly dusted with rosy blush.

"You uh look nice," he coughed. Nice - try amazing, gorgeous, but he couldn't get it out. Haley nodded and slowly walked into his room, him following close behind. She eyed it curiously, never having been in it for more than a short period of minutes before. Usually they always got together at her house. Mostly because no one would find them there, but also because sometimes Nathan just needed to get away. Although he never openly told her that. Haley sat down on the edge of the bed staring up at him solemnly. Her eyes called him over to her and he stood in front of her, looking down. She slowly stood up and wrapped her arms around his neck cradling his head in her chest. He sighed but let her hold him. She was silent for a moment before lifting his head back up to meet her eyes.

"You're amazing," she said and kissed his forehead, "And talented," his left eyelid, "And wonderful," now his right, "Smart," his left cheek, "Funny," his right cheek, "And sexy," she whispered kissing his nose softly.

Not being able to handle it any longer, Nathan grabbed her body and brought it flush against his. "I want you. I want you so badly," he said lifting her and putting her gently on his bed. She shivered under his gaze, until he came down and climbed on top of her. He pulled down the straps from her shirt, and danced his fingertips over her arms, before slipping the straps off. He pulled the shirt off her leaving only a bra, which he also quickly discarded. He kissed her everywhere; all over her stomach and chest. Once he was sure he had hit every spot he moved his mouth till it hovered over her own. Haley glanced up at him as she slowly caressed his cheek.

"I need to feel you," he said breathlessly, "Can I please feel you," he begged. Haley closed her eyes for a moment but when she opened them she nodded. Nathan felt a huge sensation as she gave her acquiescence. He kissed her lips hard, before bringing his fingers down to her jeans. He slowly popped open the button and pulled down the zipper, pulling the jeans off her shapely legs. Her hips moved up so he could get them off, and there before him was Haley wearing nothing but her underwear. She looked like a goddess; her eyes open wide in expectation and desire. "I'll go slow, I promise," he said kissing her once more. When he moved his lips, she nodded. He moved his hands lower and lower until he brushed against her pelvic bone. Haley shook under him. He moved lower still until he reached his desired destination. Haley breathed heavily, expectantly. He knew he was the only one to touch her like this; the only one who had ever seen her like this. This prompted him more. His hand flew inside her, and he slowly pushed in and out. Haley's breathing hitched as she moaned above him. This spurred him, and he picked up his pace, loving the feel of her beneath him. A warm feeling spread over Haley's stomach, as Nathan's finger continued; in and out.

"Nathan," she tried to say, but was surprised as her voice turned to a mere moan. She tried again. "Nathan, I think I'm…." she didn't finish but he knew what she meant. He smiled, knowing it was her first, and kissed her softly letting her come to a rest under him, as the waves came to a culmination. "Haley, I…" he started to say, but couldn't finish. What was he going to say, that he loved her? He couldn't love her. It wasn't possible, but why else….No, he shook his thoughts away and just look down at her. "Thank you," he whispered.

She nodded, and he gazed down at her beautiful body now with a slight layer of sweat over it. Then he looked down at himself, and saw that he was entirely clothed. He started to lift his shirt, but Haley's small hands stopped him. "Let me do it," she said breathlessly and she lifted it off, feeling his strong stomach as she did. He jolted above her as she touched him. Her arms went around his neck as she pulled his chest flush against hers. Nathan groaned against her and nibbled her ear. "I'm sorry, Nathan," she whispered.

He pushed back and searched her face. "Sorry for what?" he asked a bit angrily.

"For everything," she replied moving her hands up and down his cheek, "It must hurt. Especially when no one knows or understands. When you won't let anyone in. I'm sorry."

Nathan stared at her transfixed by her words. How could she read him so easily? How did she know, understand? He didn't say anything but he lay back down over her, his arms now pressing the small of her back. She didn't say anything else, and he felt her drifting off under him. He held her tightly, never wanting to let go. But knowing he had to. And at that moment he realized why he kept coming back to her. He needed her. He couldn't live without her. He just couldn't admit it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: First Goodnights**

_And if I'm not what you want and more_

_Could I change the way you feel right now _

_Standing at your door_

_With all the things I wonder_

_And all the things to say_

_I told myself I'd say these things before I'd walk away_

_This is the way I've always wanted _

_Our first goodnights to be_

**~ Smith Point ~**

A pound sounded on Nathan's door at exactly 6 A.M, the next morning. He rolled over and almost collided with a half-naked Haley who was still sleeping in his bed. "Oof," she said as he crashed against her body.

"What's going on?" she asked sleepily.

Before Nathan got a chance to answer, the bang outside his door got increasingly louder. "Nathan if you're not up and dressed in 5 minutes, I'm coming in there," his father called his voice brooking no argument.

Haley's eyes got wide in the terror of being found and she quickly flew to the ground in a hasty attempt to collect her clothes. Nathan rolled his eyes at his father, but started getting dressed himself. His face was set in stone, and his blue eyes were cool. Haley touched his arm but he shook her away, and cocked his head to the bathroom.

"Hide in there," he said coldly.

"Nathan," her voice pleaded.

"Just do it, Haley," he hissed angrily.

She nodded and with as much strength as she could muster she walked into the bathroom. "Two minutes, Dad," he called. He stared after her feeling bad. He just hated being humiliated by his father, especially in front of someone he wanted to prove his worth to. He followed her into the bathroom, and in a slightly nicer tone said, "Once we leave, you can go out. My mom is definitely still asleep. Use the back door."

Haley nodded and perched on the edge of the tub as Nathan began to brush his teeth. "Nathan," she said softly, hesitantly. He turned to look at her. "When you feel bad with your dad, just pretend you're somewhere else. Somewhere better; where something good happened. It works. Trust me."

He looked at her thoughtfully. "When have you ever done that?"

She looked down and didn't answer, and he understood, that for the brave front Haley put on, she was still hurt by what people said about her in school. It scared him that he knew this from just one simple gesture, but he did. "I'm sorry," he said softly.

"Don't be."

"No I mean for 5 minutes ago."

"Oh," she smiled, "It's okay."

He nodded, and looked down at her. He brushed a stray hair from her face. "I have to go."

Haley nodded, and watched him leave the bathroom and then his room to meet his dad. Five minutes later when she heard the front door slam, she tiptoed out of the house, staring back at it only once.

Nathan felt his body giving in as his father and he ran. He wanted to collapse right then and there, but he knew that was useless. His father kept droning on and on about training, conditioning, and scouts. He tried to block it all out and focus on something else when he remembered what Haley had said. He tried to remember something good that had happened, anything, and soon his mind traveled back to the day when he had met Haley. He smiled to himself.

_It was the end of summer and school was starting up again soon. Brooke was arriving back today from LA and Lucas had gone to go pick her up and spend the day with her. Jake was still in Savannah with relatives and Peyton had begged off saying she was in a drawing mood. He walked towards the River Court, ball in hand, and began to shoot around. After a few minutes he heard a small laugh, and he turned surprised, but all he saw was a girl sitting on the bleachers reading a book. _

"_Hey," he called, and she turned to face him. Her long red-blonde hair was falling down her shoulders, and he was taken back by how pretty she was. "I didn't know anyone else came here."_

"_Anyone else?" she asked wrinkling her nose, an act he couldn't help but find adorable. _

"_You know besides me and my friends. Well and Lucas's old friends." _

"_Lucas's old friends," she repeated softly to herself, but he heard her. _

"_Yeah. Lucas Scott. He's blonde, tall, on the basketball team at Tree Hill High." _

"_I know who he is," she said sadly, interrupting him. _

"_Oh well, so then you go to Tree Hill. Do I know you?" _

"_No," the girl said laughing. _

"_I'm Nathan Scott." _

"_I know who you are."_

"_Funny but I don't know who you are." _

"_Haley. Haley James." _

"_Wait I know your name. Tim used to mention you all the time. You're a tutor right? You helped him pass Geometry."_

"_Yeah," Haley said flushing. _

"_That's cool," Nathan said stepping closer and grinning at her. _

_Haley smiled suddenly, the sun catching her eye, which made Nathan smile even larger. He climbed atop the bleachers and sat down next to her. "So this is nice," he said pointing to the river. _

"_Yeah," Haley said, "I love coming out here and just staring at it. It's really peaceful, you know. When things just get crazy, it always calms me down." _

"_Yeah," Nathan replied kind of dreamily, completely comprehending everything she was saying. _

"_Well I guess I should get going," she said stepping up. _

"_Why?" he asked not even looking at her. She glanced at him for a moment and smiled before sitting back down. "So Haley James, what's your story?" _

Nathan's mind wandered back to the present as his Dad slowed their pace a little. He had really liked her, but when the year started up again, he had promptly forgot about Haley as Rachel moved in and made it her one-woman mission to become his girlfriend. Then a few weeks after school started, Whitey had told him he had to get his grades up, and get a tutor. And who else had he gotten but Haley James. Nathan sighed. They had spent more and more time together until their friendship developed into something more. Much more. He had been dating Rachel for two months, when he and Haley had first gotten together. So it had been going on for another two months. He shook his head free of the thoughts, hating that he was cheating. Although he had never considered himself a good guy, he never thought of doing that. But here he was stuck.

"Nathan," his father said breaking Nathan from his reverie, "How's that girlfriend of yours? She's a good catch. Her dad's got connections. It could take you places."

"Rachel's fine. I'm actually going to spend time with her later today, if that's okay," Nathan said bracing himself for an argument.

"That's fine. You actually worked hard on this run."

Nathan smiled. Who knew? Maybe listening to Haley's advice about blocking his dad out had actually worked.

They reached the house and Nathan panted as he came to a stop. "I'm going to go shower and change," he said running inside and up the stairs leaving his dad behind. After doing so, he ran back downstairs to his car and drove straight to Rachel's house. He entered without knocking and walked straight up to her bedroom. He knocked softly, and pushed it open. Rachel lay stretched out on her bed reading a magazine. Vanilla candles fragranced the room. Nathan stood in her doorway for a moment, waiting for her to look up. She smiled brightly when she saw him and jumped up to kiss him.

"Hey," why didn't you say anything?"

"Just watching you," he responded.

"You're so sweet," she replied giving him another smile and leaning in to kiss him.

He nodded and went and sat on her bed. She sat on his lap and his arms instinctively went around her waist. "So what's up?"

"Nothing. Yet," Rachel said winking at him dirtily.

Nathan laughed and pulled her around so she was straddling him. "Well maybe we should make it happen."

"I think so," she replied softly before kissing him hard, moistening his lips with her cherry lip gloss. Soon they were lying down and clothes were quickly discarded. Nathan pounded into her, as Rachel moaned in pleasure. He felt his lips moving and he started to say her name. "Ha..." he stopped quickly and looked down to see Rachel beneath him, her face filled with lust. He suddenly felt dirty. She was his girlfriend. They were doing what normal couples did, but he couldn't help wishing that it was Haley lying beneath him. His breathing hitched thinking of her. And as he finished with Rachel, his head stayed on her laughing face that day they had first talked. He couldn't get it out of his head. He couldn't get her out of his head.

"Babe, you ok?" Rachel asked, her hand on his chest, as they both breathed heavily.

"Yeah fine," he said and closed his eyes and lay back on the bed wishing everything were different.

He spent the rest of the afternoon there. Just lying moodily in Rachel's bed. If she noticed, she didn't say anything. She just went back to her magazine, alternately reading and kissing him. Finally at 5, he got up to leave. He headed over to the River Court trying to clear his head. But what he saw when he got there just made him even more angry and discombobulated. Haley was standing there talking to a boy, who had a basketball in his hands. Nathan's blood boiled. This was their spot. Why was she here hanging out with some other guy? He approached stealthily also angry that he was bothered by this. He had no claims on Haley. He had a girlfriend. He shouldn't have been mad about this. But he was. At that moment Haley jumped into the guy's arms and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Nathan's jealousy overtook him, but he turned away trying to control it.

"Nathan, wait," he heard and saw Haley approaching him with a confused look on her face, and the remnants of a smile. "What are you doing here? I thought you were working out with your dad all day?"

"He let me go to Rachel's for the afternoon, and then I decided to come here," Nathan said coldly, except for deliberately inserting feeling when he said Rachel's name.

Haley's face immediately fell, but she didn't say anything. She just nodded. "Who's the guy?" he continued.

Haley looked at his eyes quizzically. "It's my friend, Skills."

"Oh," Nathan said, and looked over at the guy who was now glaring at him, as if warning him not to get too close. "You're Lucas's friend, right?" he called over to him.

Skills nodded and approached. "I am," he said almost as a challenge. He turned to look at Haley. "Is he bothering you?" he asked.

Haley shook her head, and gave Skills a small smile. "It's cool."

"Fine then I'm out. I'll see you later, James," he said giving her another hug before vacating the court.

"Why is he here?" Nathan asked petulantly, "This is our spot."

"It's a lot of people's spots," Haley responded with a frown.

"But this is where we first met."

Haley's expression immediately softened. "You remember that?" He nodded and stepped closer to her, putting his arms around her. "Nathan, stop. We're in public. Someone could see."

"I don't care," he said captured her lips. Haley kissed him back before pulling away, and staring at him, somehow a tear rolling down her cheek. He brought his hand to it, but she stepped back. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"You taste like cherries," she whispered, another tear rolling down her cheek. "Haley…" he tried, but she stepped back again. "Don't Nathan, don't. It's my fault anyway." She ran from him and even as the distance between them passed, he could still see the tears falling down, until she was no longer in view.

Nathan sunk onto the gravel cursing himself for doing this again. He hated hurting Haley, but he cared about Rachel too. He didn't want to hurt her. It was more than that too. He didn't want his perfect façade to shatter, even though it was clearly already splintering. He needed Haley; he wanted Haley. But in a sense he felt he needed Rachel too. And it was so much easier to be with her, than take a risk and give it all up for Haley. No matter how many reasons she gave him to do it.

Nathan picked himself up and sighed. He went to his car wishing he had someone to give him advice. But he couldn't tell any of his friends. Yet maybe, maybe he could get advice. Nathan sprinted to his car and drove speedily to Brooke's apartment, knowing Lucas would be there. After Brooke's parents had moved to California that summer, Brooke had begged and begged to stay in Tree Hill, and her parents had finally consented and rented her the apartment. He walked through the front door, and saw Brooke and Lucas cuddled up on a sofa watching a movie. Hearing the door slam shut, they turned and saw Nathan looking at them. Brooke paused the movie, and motioned for Nathan to sit down.

"Actually, can I talk to Lucas alone?" he asked hoping he didn't piss her off.

Brooke sighed good-naturedly, and stood up punching Nathan in the shoulder as she walked down the hallway. "I'll be in my room," she called.

"Hey what's up, man? You okay?"

"Yeah, Luke." He was quiet for a few minutes thinking. "Have you ever had to make a choice, but either decision would hurt someone you cared about."

"Wow, well uh last year, joining the team, I guess. I knew I'd hurt my Mom by joining. She really didn't want me to. But I knew I'd let down Keith if I didn't."

"So why'd you decide to?"

"It was more about myself. What did I want? Although you might always hurt people with your actions, you still have to do what's best for you. And in the long run, joining the team was great for me. Sure you were a jackass at first, but now we're friends, and I met Brooke, and I love playing and feeling the cheers around me. You should always consider other people, Nate, but firstly you have to consider yourself."

"But what if you don't know what you want?"

"Everyone knows what they want. They just don't want to admit it sometimes." Nathan felt a lump in his throat as Lucas described him to a T. "But if you really feel unsure, then just think about it, ask your friend's advice. You'll figure it out."

"Thanks Luke."

"Anytime. You sure you're okay?"

"I'll be fine," Nathan responded drumming his fingers against Brooke's sofa.

"Great so can I call my antsy girlfriend back?"

"Of course," Nathan said laughing.

"Cheery!" Lucas called and Brooke immediately reappeared. "God, I was dying in there," she joked.

"I'm sure you actually were," Lucas said tenderly giving her a kiss.

"So you cool, Nate? We're all kinds of worried about you," Brooke said.

"Yeah," Nathan said, attempting a smile.

"Well good," she smiled. "Want to stay for dinner? I promise I'm not cooking."

Nathan laughed. "I'll stay. Just you too better not PDA and coo throughout it okay."

"Fine," Brooke pouted before going over to the phone to call and order Chinese. Nathan stayed for the next hour, glad to just relax with his brother and Brooke. He left soon after dinner finished knowing they probably wanted alone time. He got into his car and drove until he reached her house. He stared up at the empty dark house, willing to catch a glimpse of her. But he knew he wouldn't. He glanced at her porch once more, and he felt a wave of nostalgia.

"_Haley, come on," he called to her, as he ran after her to her porch, "Just tell me, why can't you tutor me anymore?"_

_Haley ran a hand through her long locks and stared up at him tiredly. "Do you really want to know the truth?"_

"_Obviously." _

"_It's because I don't trust myself when I'm with you!" _

"_Trust yourself with me? What are you talking about?" _

"_God Nathan, are you really that clueless? I like you! I'm attracted to you! Every time you smile or laugh I just want to hold you so much. I can't help it. I can't. But it's not fair to you." She shook her head and turned to walk away but Nathan grabbed her arm and pulled her to him, kissing her. _

_Haley pulled back and stared at him. "You shouldn't have done that Nathan. You're with Rachel. We can't do this." _

"_But I wanted to." _

_Haley stared up at him, the desire, care, and pure feeling filling her eyes. "Yeah," she murmured before jumping up to meld her lips with his. He flung his arms around her waist and kissed and kissed her, until air became an issue. He pulled back and placed his forehead against hers. "You're beautiful, Haley James," he whispered. _

Nathan's thoughts were interrupted as he saw her front door open. She stood on the porch and stared at his car; her eyes boring holes into him. He wanted to get up and out of that car, and go over and kiss her over and over, and apologize for being such an ass. But his feet wouldn't move. He stared at her, his eyes meeting hers. She looked so sad, yet so trusting. She waited for five minutes, never breaking her gaze from his. But after realizing he wasn't coming, she slowly turned and walked back inside closing the door softly behind her. He stared and watched her go, trying hard not to break down. He had fucked up. He had fallen for her. When they had first gotten together, she always talked about when they could really be together. And in truth he wanted that too. He expected everyday to walk up to Rachel and just tell her it was over. But he never did. And Haley, despite her reservations, had stayed with him. He knew she didn't deserve that. He knew he was hurting her. He just couldn't stop. They were all in too deep.

Nathan took a breath and took one last glance at the house. "You've ruined me, Haley James. You've ruined me. Completely and totally." He pressed his foot to the gas and drove home as fast as he could.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey everyone. Thanks so much for all the reviews. This is some of the best feedback I've ever gotten, and I really appreciate it. I love writing this story, and I'm glad you love reading it. Enjoy!

**Chapter 4: Carelessness**

_All the pain in dissent_

_All the freedom to climb_

_A thousand wishes I've missed_

_For hanging onto this_

_When a moment brings hope for everything_

_Every time I walk away from this_

_Will the one who came to throw it all away_

_Ever get to see the end of this?_

**~ Fair ~**

Nathan scanned Tree Hill High the next morning. He noticed his friends all gathered at their usual table in the quad, and he walked with purpose toward it. As usual people turned their heads to stare at him as he passed by. He nodded to guys, gave smiles to the girls, as they giggled as he passed. Sometimes he literally felt like king of this school, and this morning walk was one of them. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Haley sitting at a table with a short and skinny kid, paying absolutely no attention to him. He sighed. It wasn't that he expected her to be pleased with him now, but just her looking his way might've showed she cared. He looked closer at the guy, realizing that he was another of Lucas's friends who hung at the River Court. What was with that? He kept seeing her with Lucas's friends. However he didn't dwell on it as he approached Jake, Peyton, and Brooke. Brooke was glaring at her cell phone, while Peyton and Jake were laughing over something.

"Hey, what's up?" he asked as approached.

"Where's that goddamned brother of yours?" Brooke asked with a whine.

"I have no idea. Where's my girlfriend?"

Peyton frowned. "She was here, but she rushed off after she got a call."

"Is she okay?"

"I don't know. She looked kind of upset, but you know Rachel. She's hard to read."

Nathan nodded and looked behind him. "I'm gonna go find her."

"Ok see you later, man," Jake said, and both Brooke and Peyton nodded their goodbyes.

Nathan turned to go look for Rachel but before he saw her, he heard her. "Who the hell do you think you are?" she screamed. Nathan jogged over to her voice and noticed her yelling at the boy who was sitting next to Haley. The kid looked scared and apologetic, while Haley just looked sad.

"Rachel, what's wrong?"

"This stupid loser spilled his juice on my new shoes," she said angrily.

"Rachel," he began softly when Haley interrupted him. "They're just shoes! Mouth apologized, he's sorry. And I'm sure he feels really bad, especially after you yelling and humiliating him. Just let it alone." She stood up and grabbed her bag. "Mouth, come on. Haley stalked off and Nathan watched her, a little taken aback.

Mouth stood shakily, and looked once more at Rachel, "I really am sorry."

"Just go," Rachel said. She was clearly annoyed, but her chin was trembling a little.

Nathan pulled her to face him as he held her at arm's length. "You want to tell me what's really going on that you had to yell at some poor defenseless kid?"

"My dad got me these shoes," Rachel said softly.

"So…" Nathan prodded.

"They're going to be gone for another 6 weeks, Nathan. I could get expelled from school and they wouldn't even notice. I never think they care about me, so when he sends me something, I don't know. It just means maybe they miss me too."

Nathan wrapped his arms around her as she started to tear up. "It's okay, Rachel. Just don't take it out on other people. Just talk to your friends, okay?"

"Yeah," she sniffled, looking up at him. "You're so lucky your parents are around, Nate."

Nathan just nodded, knowing that Rachel didn't know the half of it. "Come on. Let's go in."

Rachel nodded and he took her hand and followed him in. Rachel hid it well by playing the bitch, but Nathan knew she was vulnerable too. He didn't want to treat her like her parents did, just casting her off for something better. He cared about her; he couldn't deny that. That's why he had stayed with her. She was fun and hot as hell; that didn't hurt. But on some level, he knew she needed him. As support, but also to prove herself. He pulled her close and wrapped his arm around her waist. As he entered the school building, he felt someone's eyes on him. He glanced to his left, and standing by a locker was Haley, looking at him. She had an undecipherable expression on her face, but he kept looking at her. She stared back at him, her brown eyes drinking in his blue ones. Then she blinked and whirled around to talk in the other direction. He took a deep breath and tried to concentrate on just walking Rachel to class. But it really wasn't any use. Because Haley James was an indelible imprint in his mind.

Throughout his morning classes, Nathan's zoned out, managing luckily to forget about girls for the whole time. Yet when the bell signaling lunch rang, he was already walking towards the tutor center to talk to Haley. He felt he ought to at least apologize to her. He hated her being mad at him. Even though it had only been one day, he still missed her. He pushed the door open and saw her sitting at a table, writing furiously over a piece of paper.

"Haley," he said and she looked up at him. Her face was impassive and she simply stared at him. "Can we talk?" he asked.

She didn't respond and just kept staring at him, a look of mild anger now appearing in her eyes.

"Haley, please. We really need to talk."

She glared at him and sharply said, "So talk."

"First I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…"

"You shouldn't have what, Nathan?" she asked bitterly. "Been hanging out with your girlfriend? Don't apologize for that. Because if you want to apologize for anything, why don't you apologize to her for hanging out with me! Oh and while you're at it, maybe you should apologize for stringing me along. That sounds good. Since you're in such an apologetic mood," she finished sarcastically.

Nathan closed his eyes briefly, hating the words he was hearing, but knowing they were completely true. Except for one thing, which he felt compelled to argue. "I'm not stringing you along."

Haley laughed and shook her head. "Really? Because I don't see you breaking up with Rachel anytime soon. It's been two months, Nathan. Two months! And nothing's changed. Once again the 'smart' girl is made a fool."

"Haley you're not a fool. It's just, it's complicated."

"It didn't seem so complicated this weekend, Nathan. You know when you wanted to see me when you could've been fucking her. Why do you do it, Nathan? Think for once. Think about why for that last two months, you've been sneaking into my house almost every night. Think about that."

"Haley," he said, gently holding out his hands to her.

"No! I'm so sick of being this girl, the one who gives up everything I believe just to have you even a little. It's not worth it." She sighed and bit her lip to keep from crying.

Nathan stared at her and couldn't help it anymore. He moved close to her and pushed her up against the wall before crashing his lips against hers. Her mouth opened instinctively and his tongue connected with her own in an aggressive battle for dominance. It wasn't just about desire. This was a real fight; it was about proving who was right, who would win, who could hold out the longest. He finally broke away and smiled as he saw her catching her breath. He moved his lips and kissed up and down her neck, before finding her pulse point and sucking insistently. She lifted her hips and the pressed them against his making him hiss into her neck. Haley breathed sharply and moaned softly as he continued kissing and sucking her neck.

"Nathan," she murmured, "Nathan, stop. It'll leave a mark."

"I know," he said huskily, his teeth raking against her neck, "It'll mark you as mine. You're mine, Haley, all mine."

Haley pushed him off her and looked at him angrily. "I'm not yours, Nathan Scott. I'm not anyone's." She grabbed her stuff off the table and walked toward the door, turning back to look at him once. "I'm not yours," she repeated, before exiting the room with a clang.

Nathan stared after her, alone in the empty room, thinking that it was impossible for him to do anything right. After staring blankly at the door for a moment, he left quickly and hurried out to the quad to meet his friends for lunch.

He approached their table and heard Rachel talking loudly and gesticulating. "And then she had the audacity to make me feel bad for being upset with him." Rachel stopped her rant as she saw Nathan approach. "There you are, babe," she said, scooting over to make space for him. Nathan sat and surveyed the table. Lucas was looking down at his plate, miserable, while Brooke was alternatively looking worriedly at him and nodding at Rachel. Peyton looked bored, while Jake just looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing," Rachel replied leaning up to kiss him, "Just telling everyone what happened this morning."

"Stimulating, really," Peyton replied sarcastically.

Nathan bit back a laugh while Rachel glared at Peyton. Suddenly at that moment, Lucas lifted up and walked away. Brooke stared after him and sighed.

"Aren't you going after him?" Rachel asked a little rudely.

Brooke didn't respond and Jake and Peyton exchanged glances. "Alright we're going," Peyton said, stepping up with Jake and leading him away.

"What's up their butts?" Rachel asked. Brooke looked away and Rachel rolled her eyes. "You know what? Whatever. I'm going to go talk to Bevin. See ya." She stood up and gave Nathan another kiss, which he returned halfheartedly, before walking towards a table filled with other cheerleaders. Nathan turned and faced Brooke.

"What's going on?"

"Oh you know, Rachel taking things too far."

"Why, what'd she do?"

"Going on and on about that Mouth kid and Haley James, and how they're wannabe losers."

"So why does anyone care?" Nathan asked genuinely. Sure he hated when Rachel made fun of Haley, but he didn't see why anyone of his friends would. "Do you know Haley James?"

Brooke sighed. "She's the girl who Lucas…"

"Who Lucas what?" Nathan asked greedily.

"He didn't cheat on me if that's what you're thinking. Retract the claws, Nate." Nathan's stomach flipped and he tried to laugh, but the irony of that statement just plain freaked him. "She was his best friend up until last year."

"Lucas was friends with Haley?" Nathan asked confused, but realizing that this explained a lot. "What happened?"

"He got on the team. He met us. They drifted apart. That's all I really know. But I just know that when people talk about her badly, he gets really upset and defensive."

"That sucks."

"Yeah and I don't know, I somehow feel responsible. You should hear the way Karen talks about her. Almost as if she was a daughter. And Lucas's room, wow. There are so many pictures of them together looking so happy. I just I don't know. I feel like I ended their friendship. Unintentionally, of course, but…"

"Brooke it's not your fault," Nathan said reaching out his hand to his friend, "Things like that just happen."

"Yeah but they don't have to. That's the point. I hate whenever how he reacts when people talk about her. I know he still cares about her. And it just seems Lucas had to choose. He had to give up Haley to be part of our clique, to have me. And I know, I'm like the queen bee of this school, but the social hierarchy is just stupid sometimes if it breaks up friendships and stops people from being happy."

Nathan swallowed, hating how right she was. Hating how this too prevented him from being with Haley. Hating himself for acting like an arrogant asshole. "Maybe I should talk to, Rachel. You know, tell her to stop."

Brooke laughed. "I doubt that's going to work, Nate. Rach feels threatened by Haley. She's not going to just stop being mean to her."

"Why is she threatened?" Nathan asked genuinely clueless.

"Haley James is one of the few people in this school who doesn't give a damn what people, least of all the popular people, think of her. And Rachel hates anyone who won't bow down to her. That's just the way she is. I think it's some insecurity thing, but there it is."

"Yeah there it is," Nathan replied quietly.

"Anyway I should probably go check on Lucas," Brooke said, standing up.

"Yeah, I'll see you." Nathan watched her leave and thought about the information he had just received from Brooke. It was hard to process it all. But Brooke was wrong about Haley. She did care what people thought of her. She just knew how to hide it, and make people think she didn't. But he knew. He could see how much people had hurt her. She was strong, but he could still tell she was broken in some sense. He never thought about how maybe him denying her for so long, made her think she wasn't good enough – pretty or popular enough. He hated making her think that, but he knew that his actions implied it. But he was clueless as to what to do next. Because he knew sooner or later he would have to pick one, and live with that choice. And his heart and his head weren't agreeing about which one.

After school, Nathan walked into the locker room to get ready for practice. He saw Lucas changing at his locker, still looking upset.

"Hey man, you okay?"

"Yeah just you know your girlfriend can be…"

"Pretty mean," Nathan finished.

Lucas's face broke into a smile. "I didn't want to say that but yeah kind of. It's just I like Rachel, but I wished she would stop talking about people who she knows nothing about."

"You mean like Haley," Nathan said matter-of-factly so there was no room for Lucas to weasel out of it.

Lucas's face turned red but he nodded. "Brooke told you?"

"Yeah." Nathan nodded.

"I just… I miss her. We were best friends for 8 years, you know. And then it's like one mistake and we're done. I joined the team," Lucas said with a laugh. "And that wasn't the bad part. I mean she supported me with that. She's just a good friend, you know?" Nathan nodded. "But I changed. I became obsessed with fitting in with you guys and proving myself, and we just pulled apart. But then she called me one night at a party. She was crying, she said something happened, that she needed me. I said I was coming right over, and then well Brooke called me over and begged me to have a drink with her. And one drink turned into another, and well I never made it to Haley. I should have gone over there and apologized or groveled or something. But I couldn't stand to look at her face. God when Haley's disappointed in you it's like the worst feeling ever. It's just written all over her face." Don't I know it, Nathan thought bitterly. "Look, I'm sorry for talking your ear off about this," Lucas finished.

"No it's okay. I asked you. So you basically just stopped being friends?"

"She wasn't going to come to me, and after awhile she realized that I couldn't come to her either. That I couldn't face her."

Nathan listened to Lucas, when an idea came into his head. Maybe he could do something to make this all better. Maybe he could finally do something for Haley, and maybe then he'd be able to move on. It's not that he really wanted to. But everything Haley said was true, and he knew he would never ever be good enough for her. So when it was over, at least she'd have her friend again. "Luke, maybe you should try again, for both of your sakes."

"What do you mean?"

"Apologize to her. It's been a year. I'm sure she misses you, and you definitely miss her. Suck up your pride and just apologize. Brooke feels bad about your friendship breaking up, and she'll definitely support you. I will too. I mean if you think it'll make a lack in our friendships."

"I guess."

"Don't guess. Just do it, Luke." And with that Nathan turned and walked back to the gym for practice, leaving Lucas with something to think about.

They practiced hard for 3 hours, and once it was over, Nathan felt exhausted. Grueling practice, plus his emotional roller coaster of a weekend, had him feeling completely wrecked. He begged off from his friends who had all decided to get dinner together, as cheerleading and basketball ended simultaneously, claiming he just wanted to crash. He drove home slowly, trying not to fall asleep. Once he got to his house he lagged inside and walked up the stairs. He entered his room and threw his bag on his chair, without even bothering to turn on the lights. He just needed sleep. He just needed to get away from it all.

"Hey," a soft voice said and he jumped and turned on the light to see Haley sitting on his bed, looking completely out of place, yet also as if she belonged no where else.

"What? What are you doing here?"

"So I was thinking, and you know what I realized Nathan?"

He shook his head and stared at her quizzically. "Look Haley if you just came to yell at me, please don't. I'm fucking tired. I just want to sleep."

Haley's face softened, but she didn't make any move to stand. "I realized something you've known for a long time. It's pretty clear. Otherwise this would've ended almost as soon as it began, when you started feeling guilty. But it didn't. Because you can't stay away from me. And well, I can't stay away from you either. And I hate it. I really do. I hate how I always end up going back to you. But I can't help it."

Nathan stared at her a little surprised and unnerved by her confession. "Do you really mean that?" he asked.

"Would I be here if I didn't?" she responded quietly. "I wanted to walk away, Nathan. This morning, especially. I wanted to walk away so badly. But I can't."

"I can't either," he whispered as he drew closer to his bed and her. But even as he said it, he wasn't sure which girl he meant. Maybe it was safe to say it was both of them. That was possibly the only safe-assured thing in this fucked up situation.

Haley nodded and stood up, meeting him at the foot of his bed. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he pulled her close, his arms on her waist. They held each other like that for what felt like hours. Just them and their bodies pressed together, giving each other comfort from themselves, and all the pain this caused. Haley pulled back a little and got lost in Nathan's deep blue eyes.

"I wish I could let go of you, Nathan Scott," she whispered softly as she rubbed her thumb against the hair on the side of his head. "But my heart's telling me that could never happen."

Nathan lifted up his hands and placed them on her chest, feeling the heavy beating. "Your heart's beating pretty fast," he said aloud but mostly to himself.

Haley nodded. "Because of you."

Nathan looked into her eyes and he once again saw the love shining back out of them. It scared him so much. How could she be in love with him? But he could tell she was. He could just see. Trying to block that thought out, he closed his eyes and slid his hand to the back of her head and slowly directed her lips to his, concentrating solely on the sensation of her against him. Like she said; it was one that would never go away.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Blankest Year**

_I had the blankest year_

_I saw life turn into a T.V. show_

_It was totally weird_

_The person I knew_

_I didn't really know_

_Time don't move_

_We're the only ones who do_

_Bending reason_

_Cuz it's all we hold on to_

**~ Nada Surf ~**

Nathan stared in his mirror the next afternoon, running one finger over his face and down his neck. He peered closer, hoping to see something anything that could explain why Haley couldn't stay away from him, why she would admit that to him. It didn't seem to make any sense. He hated getting caught up in the moment with her, kissing her and feeling her, and then waking up and not understanding anything. It always seemed so much clearer, so much easier, when she was around. That he could just pick her and everything would be perfect. But when he got back to the real world, that's when it all became confusing, when it all fell apart.

"Hey sexy, why you looking at yourself?" Rachel said as she came into the doorway, hand on her hip as she appraised him with a smile.

"Just getting psyched for tonight's game," Nathan replied turning to give her a small smile.

"You'll be fine, baby," Rachel said approaching and wrapping her arms around his neck.

He nodded. He wanted to grab her waist and bring her against him and just tell her truth. That honestly he was insecure about every game; that he wouldn't live up to all the pressure put on him. Instead he had to be confident and cocky, and even though he was self-assured, sometimes it all felt so fake. He wished that that he could just be real with her. But he knew that would never happen. "Yeah of course. I'm Nathan Scott, after all."

"Yes you are," Rachel cooed and brought her hands to his cheeks and pushed them forward to meet his lips with hers. He kissed her back and he felt her deepening it, and he struggled with his thoughts. Of course his nether regions were telling him to go on, his brain told him to stop. He just couldn't deal with this right now, on top of everything else. It was too crazy.

He pushed her off him. "Rachel, we really have to go. I don't want to be late."

"Fine," she pouted, "But we're finishing it later at Bev's party."

"It's a school night," Nathan said confused and a bit geekily, which was unlike him.

Rachel stared at him strangely. "That's never stopped you before," she said tossing her layered hair back.

"Yeah but I don't know. I'm just tired."

Rachel frowned and looked at her boyfriend. "Nathan's what's with you? I feel like these last few weeks, you've been really depressed and you're not acting like your usual self. You're disappearing from parties, and blowing off chances to hang out. What's going on?"

Nathan felt his throat twist as she stated her suspicions, but he immediately got defensive, somehow trying to justify his actions with Haley. "Not every thing is about partying, Rachel! I just I have so much pressure on me already so don't make it worse with your incessant carping. Fuck!"

Rachel glared at him. "Nathan, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"You are okay! You and my dad, and the team and everyone who….." he started angrily but when he saw her oblivious expression, he just stopped. There was no use. She would never understand the extent of what his Dad did to him, even if she saw it with her own eyes. She just couldn't comprehend why all the pressure he was under was bad, since it gave him the perfect life, filled with rich and present parents. But slowly he was realizing there was more to life than money and talent and fame. And no matter how much he wanted to tell Rachel, to explain it to her, she wouldn't even begin to try to understand. "Nothing, you know what, let's just go," Nathan said sighing, conceding. "I'm tired and not in the mood to play, that's all."

"Come on, Nate, you're the star. You love playing basketball. What could you be tired of?"

Nathan shook his head. "Rachel, let's just go," he said softly.

"Fine," Rachel replied annoyed and left the room. Nathan sighed once more into the mirror before filing out after her.

Their drive to the school was tension filled and quiet. Rachel fiddled with the radio and Nathan glared straight ahead. He didn't remember them ever having so huge a fight that they couldn't even talk about it afterward. And honestly, this wasn't really a big blowout of a fight, but it still felt defining. Haley James, what the fuck are you doing to my head, he thought. What are you doing to me? They pulled into the school parking lot and sat in silence for a moment, before Rachel opened the passenger door. She stared at Nathan for a second, and he got up and followed her inside.

Rachel hurried into the gym and immediately walked over to where a few of her cheerleader friends were stretching. Nathan followed dazedly. Rachel's voice was loud but Nathan couldn't discern what she was saying, except that she was clearly talking about him since her eyes were flashing and her hands were flying everywhere. He sighed and turned back around to the parking lot, not able to deal with this now. As he walked out he noticed Lucas approaching someone. As he drew closer he saw it was Haley. He stood behind a pillar and watched their conversation, but made sure they couldn't see him. Lucas was clearly here for the game, but why was Haley here, Nathan thought bemusedly. Right tutoring, he finally remembered. He looked over and saw Lucas's apologetic face, while Haley looked impassive but he could tell the anger behind her eyes.

"What are you doing, Luke?" she asked tiredly, quietly.

"Look Haley, I wanted to apologize. I should've done it last year. I know. But I just, I was too proud and too scared to come up to you. I uh really miss you."

"I miss you too, Lucas. You know that. But you can't just expect me to forgive you after a year of complete silence. And the fact that you didn't come to talk to me because you knew I'd be disappointed in you? That's bullshit. I needed you, Luke. I needed a friend. So you made a mistake. You should've fixed it!"

"I'm trying to do that now," he said trying to compose his frustration and not really succeeding.

Haley shook her head. "It's too late, Luke. It's a year too late." She turned to walk away but Lucas grabbed her shoulder.

"Haley, just at least let me give it a try." Haley stared at him and searched his face, tempted to give in, but Nathan could see her strength. He could see she was stubborn and hurt, and she wasn't likely to give in unless Lucas said something brilliant to make it all better. "Please," he said more suppliantly.

Haley's face started to give in, and with hope Nathan thought she might actually try, but at that moment, Brooke walked up. Unintentionally not noticing Haley she put her arms around Luke and turned him around. "Hey boyfriend," she cooed and gave him a kiss.

"Hey," Lucas replied flustered pulling away, "I'm actually kind of uhhh…."

"It's fine," Haley said coldly, "I should just leave. You guys have your game."

Brooke looked at Haley sadly, but she put an inviting smile on her face. "You should come. There's a party afterwards too. I'm sure Luke would love for you to come. I would too," she said more softly.

Haley stared at Brooke's face like she couldn't believe what she was seeing or hearing. She then turned to Lucas, who was looking down embarrassed. "Maybe," she said without any conviction.

Brooke nodded and smiled. She squeezed Lucas's hand before making her way into the gym. Lucas opened his mouth as if to say something, but he couldn't find the words. Instead he just nodded imperceptibly at Haley and followed his girlfriend. Haley stared after him, and Nathan's heart seemed to break as he saw her look so alone. But then her eyes met his as if she'd known he was there along. Nathan shivered slightly. Her gaze on him was full of anger and even worse hurt. She shook her head again and with one last look, she walked away with the wind, her head held high. Nathan stared after, more confused than ever.

Nathan walked back into the gym, retracing the steps he had walked minutes before. As soon as he entered Peyton rushed over to him looking extremely annoyed.

"What the hell did you say to Rachel?"

Nathan groaned. "Nothing. We just had a fight about what to do tonight. Why do you care?"

"Of first off, I care about you. Second, she's bitching like it's the second coming, and I'm sick of it. Would you please apologize to her, so my ears don't fall off."

Nathan couldn't help but smile, but he wasn't in the mood to deal with her. With Peyton or with Rachel. "Peyton, just don't worry about it."

She glanced at him curiously almost as if she were searching him for something that he seemed to be hiding. He knew that she more than anyone else among his friends was the only one who could get somewhere close to reading him. He squirmed under her gaze and just as she was about to say something he stalked off. For the rest of the time before the game he pretty much ignored his friends and concentrated solely on prepping for this game. He wondered if Haley would actually show up, but he cursed himself for getting caught up with her again. The thought of her was just a cancer that he couldn't escape from. It stuck to him and fed off him and he knew that he was already in too deep.

As the game began he could feel his friends' eyes on him but he ignored them and just played. It wasn't his best game. Anyone who knew him could see that. Anyone who was looking closely. But to everyone else he seemed normal. Maybe that was the problem. He always seemed normal. After the game which they had typically won, Nathan saw Rachel watching him from the corner of her eye. She clearly expected him to come now, apologize, and make it all better. And as much as he wanted to just drag his feet over there and do it, he couldn't. He could feel everyone's eyes on him and it made him sick. His head pounded and he ran to the locker room, hiding in a stall until everyone cleared out. He heard his phone ring; he heard shouts of his name. But he stayed where he was. Only until all was silent did he finally leave. He walked out to the parking lot and felt the cool air swarm around his head. He exhaled loudly and began walking to his car. And then he saw her. Almost as if the wind had conjured her up.

"What the hell is your problem?" she said lividly, as she came closer to him. She was wearing white which only illuminated her in the dark night and her hair toppled down her face, blocking him from seeing her.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said sighing loudly.

"I see what you're doing, Nate," she said softly, now standing in front of him. "You're trying to make sure I have a friend so when you get rid of me, I'm not all alone. How considerate of you."

"That's not what I'm doing," he said flatly.

"It is, and you know it! What more do I have to do, Nate? What more do I have to do for you to finally just want me?"

"Stop reading so much into it, Haley!" he exploded, "Everyone always thinks there's so much more going on. There's not! OK, I was just trying to fucking do something nice for you." She took a step back from him. "I was just trying to do something nice for you," he said more quietly and looking away from her.

"What's wrong, Nathan?" she asked softly.

He turned to look at her, the feeling deep within his eyes. "I'm hurting you! I'm hurting everyone. And I don't know how to stop. I wish I could just walk away, Haley. Why? Why do I have to want you so much? Can you please stop it? Just make it stop."

"I can't."

"I know," he whispered, "So I just wanted to finally do something that might make things better."

"I don't want you to fight my battles," she replied with conviction. "Lucas and I are none of your business."

"Fine," he said shaking his head, "Just forget it. I'm going." He turned to open his car door.

"Where? To that party? To get drunk and hook up with your slutty cheerleader girlfriend."

Nathan turned back to look at her angrily. "That's what I do, Haley. I'm popular, okay. That's what we do."

Haley stepped back like she had been slapped. "No Nathan," she said softly, "That's what you think you should do." Nathan sighed and shook his head, but didn't say anything. He stared at her.

"What are you so mad about?" she asked frustrated, throwing her hands up in the air.

Nathan threw down his keys, and grabbed her and turning around so her back was against his car door. "You! I'm mad about you. About everything you do to me." He held her tighter, his fingers digging into her skin. "Rachel and I are fighting. My friends think I'm acting strange. I know I'm being crazy. And the whole time, I can't keep my head from running back to you."

"You're hurting me," she whimpered as his fingers dug further into the flesh of her upper arm, and her back pressed hard against the metal door of the car.

"I don't want to be," he breathed hotly into her ear. She shivered under him, her small body eclipsed by his large form. She nodded over and over as beads of tears filled her eyes.

"Let's get out of here," he finally said. She nodded again for the last time, and he pulled her off the car and led her to the passenger door, which she entered. He walked back around, and sat down next to her. They stared out at the almost empty parking lot of the school, and Haley gently placed her hand over Nathan's. He looked at it and held it tighter, before driving them away. He drove them without pause to the River Court, a place he could get to like the back of his hand. Her hand still gently but firmly pressed to his, he came to a stop. He stared out wordlessly at the court as she searched his face, her eyes a mixture of care and worry.

"Do you want to get out?" he finally asked.

"No," she whispered, shaking her head, "I want to stay right here."

He looked at her expectantly, wondering. She moved her other hand and brought it to his cheek. She ran her soft peach fingers over his rough cheek, cupping his face with her hand. He felt his face instinctively melt into her hand and he rested his cheek down weary.

"It's okay, Nathan, it's all going to be okay." He could feel tears forming, for no reason. He hated himself for becoming weak for no purpose. There was no reason at all to be upset. There was nothing he couldn't fix. Stop it, Nathan! Goddamnit stop it, he commanded himself. It didn't seem to help. He could feel the salty fluid in his tear ducts. Luckily it didn't fall, but seemed to just gather and multiply. Haley didn't say anything, and he mentally thanked her for not calling him out. She slowly moved her hand to the back of his head, her hands tugging through his short raven hair. He felt her hand slowly prod him forward, and his own face began to inch closer to hers. When their lips met, it was slow and filled with need. He kissed her harder, letting his mouth consume hers. Tasting her; feeling her. He pulled back and stared into her eyes, those beautiful velvet brown eyes filled with longing.

"Haley, I…" he tried to say. But he couldn't finish a thought. He could never seem to find the words with her. She shook her head no and brought a fingertip to meet his lips. She placed it there gently.

"Quiet. It doesn't matter." He nodded and looked at her lovely face again. He needed her, and he wanted her. He moved his lips to meet hers again, this time heavy and urgent. She matched his pace and her body somehow made her way to his seat as their legs became entwined. His arms were around her waist and she was on his lap, and he was kissing her and feeling her. It was all a haze. A wonderful, necessary haze. He moved his hand to the bare skin of her lower back, where her shirt had pulled up. He danced his fingertips over her smooth skin, moving them to her sides. He was pulling her shirt up more and more, until it rested right above her ribs, and he had free access to her stomach. His hand grazed the silky skin, her lips still firmly attached to his. She broke away when she felt his hand inch higher, and she stared at him, her lips red with kisses, her hair cascading down her semi-revealed body.

"What are you doing?" he asked as she stopped kissing him. But just as soon he felt her fingers begin to heatedly un-loop the tie on his shirt. Once she had it mostly loose, she began to unbutton his shirt from up to down. Once it was done she pulled it off his arms, leaving him with a plain white wife beater.

"Shh," she murmured, "Can I take this off?" she asked hesitantly. Nathan nodded slowly, and he felt Haley pull it up, her hands grazing his stomach muscles, before pulling it up off his arms. Her lips immediately assailed his shoulder and upper chest. She kissed him over and over, letting her tongue soothe the sore muscles from his game.

"Fuck, that feels good," he muttered. Haley was usually never this forward but he wasn't complaining. It was almost as if she knew exactly what he needed right now. She smiled innocently back up at him, before throwing her arms around his neck and bringing his lips to hers. She kissed him passionately, letting his tongue begin to explore her mouth. While she kissed him, Nathan tugged off her own shirt, taking in the slanted moonlight exposing her barely clad upper body. He kissed her shoulder and collarbone, and his hands instinctively moved to her back. He unclasped her bra, and as the loose bit of material was about to come off, Haley pushed away, and put it back in place.

"Not here," she said apologetically, giving him a look to say she hoped he wouldn't get mad.

"What so you can get me half-naked in public, but the same doesn't apply to you," he said attempting a joke. Haley smiled and kissed him lightly. "It's okay," he said softly, and placed his arms behind her neck pressing into her back's upper bones, "I just want to hold you." Her smile brightened and she snuggled against him, letting her head rest in the crook of his shoulder. He kissed her forehead roughly, and began to run his fingers through her honey strands. "Thank you," he whispered, not sure if she heard him, the small kiss to the basin of his throat the only indication that she had.

Later Nathan opened his eyes and stared at the bright red lights of his car clock. He rubbed his eyes moving his arms from around Haley's still shirtless form in his lap. She moaned tiredly and stretched a little finally opening her eyes too. She felt Nathan's eyes on her, drinking her in.

"You should go home," he whispered, as she fumbled to find her shirt and put it back on. Haley glanced back at him but didn't speak. She nodded carefully, and moved back to the passenger seat. Nathan sat up and grabbed his shirt slipping it back onto him. He was about to start the car, when he heard her door open. He looked at her questioningly. "What are you doing?"

"I want to walk," she said quietly, turning to face him.

"Why?" he asked curiously, "Come on, Hales, it's late."

"I know, Nate. You didn't do anything. It's just….I don't want to ruin this by an awkward drive and you having obligations."

"It's not like that, Haley," he interrupted her.

She held up her hand to silence him. "I know. I just want to feel the night air, okay."

"Are you sure?" he asked suddenly even more unsure of everything himself.

"I am," she nodded before stepping out of the vehicle. She smiled at him sadly before walking away. Nathan stared after her retreating form for a minute before beginning himself to leave the isolated court. He drove lazily to his house, but as he passed a street, he noticed a house filled with light. His car slowed down, staring at his own world. The house shook with the still lingering party. Then he saw Rachel pushing herself out the front door, clearly drunk, with a bunch of people laughing around her. He sighed softly, and stopped the car, jogging out closer to the party.

"Nathan!" she slurred excitedly, "You came. See didn't I tell you he'd come?" Bevin and everyone else giggled next to her and Rachel slipped into Nathan's arms placing slobbery kisses over his face. "I missed you, baby."

"Rachel, you're drunk," he sighed. "I've got her from here, guys," he said to his friends, before turning back to her. "Come on we're going home."

"No way!" she pouted, "You just got here. Guys, more drinks on me. Come on Nate! Let's go, baby. It's party time!" Rachel pulled him with all her might, which in her drunken stupor wasn't much. But his body relinquished himself and he felt her pulling him back into the house. Back to the party, back to his normalcy. His feet dragged to the front door and soon he was enveloped with the familiar numbing sense of alcohol, loud music, and sex. He felt the beer pushed into his hand, felt Rachel directing it down his throat, before finally pressing herself against him, and doing the same with her tongue. And then it sort of all went blank.


	6. Chapter 6

Hi everyone, thanks for all the awesome feedback. Right now, the biggest criticism I'm getting is about Nathan and Haley's characters. I agree with most of you that Nathan is being a rather large jerk right now, but remember the pressure he has on him, especially what he puts on himself. Yes, he is using Haley, but he cares about her. He's just worried of what everyone will think, and also he knows on some level Rachel needs him, and he doesn't want to hurt her. As for Haley, yes she is weak, but consider what she's been through. Her best friend of 10 years suddenly ending their friendship at the one point she needed him most, most of the school disliking her, and falling for Nathan, only for him to forget about her and get a girlfriend, only coming back to her after a few months. So yes, I know you all want her to get a backbone, but I want her to find herself first and admit those feelings and why she's acting the way she is. Then she can really be strong again.

**Chapter 6: The Worst Way to Retaliate**

_I hate to be the one to pick a fight_

_But you see, I know when I'm wrong and I know when I'm right_

_It's a challenge to be strong when you're so weary and trite_

_Don't hesitate to say you need some space_

_Well it seems that you have found somebody else to replace_

_The melancholy feeling that I have to embrace_

**~ My Favorite Highway ~**

Nathan sat up in the bed, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He glanced at his clock and sighed before falling back against his pillow when he saw it was already almost 9. School had started an hour ago. He placed his hand to his head, trying to stop the throbbing pain he felt. He closed his eyes momentarily before blinking them back open and taking in his surroundings. He let out a sigh of relief when he concluded he was in his room, but that sigh turned aggravated when he glimpsed at Rachel's body splayed out on the bed next to him. He touched her lightly and she groaned loudly and mumbled incoherently. Great, Nathan thought. She was even worse off than he was. Nathan stood up and walked to his bathroom, pulling open the cabinet and finding the necessary bottle of aspirin. He poured four into his hand, downing two dry, and shuddering slightly from the bad taste. He filled up a cup of water and walked back into his room with the other two. He placed them on the bedside table beside Rachel touched her again.

"Rachel, wake up." When she didn't make any movement, Nathan got fed up and shook her aggressively. "Get the fuck up," he almost shouted letting his frustration overtake him.

Rachel mumbled again and rolled over, cocking one eye open. "Where am I?" she asked confused.

"You're at my house," Nathan said sitting down on the edge of his bed, "And school started an hour ago."

"Fuck," Rachel groaned, "I feel like crap. What happened?"

"You got drunk," Nathan spat out, trying hard to stay calm, "At the party. Do you remember?"

"Yeah," she said putting a hand to her forehead feeling dazed. She glanced down at her barely clothed body and pulled the sheet up over herself. "I'm sorry, Nate. It was stupid. I shouldn't have gotten drunk because we got into a stupid fight."

"Whatever," he said brusquely not in the mood to discuss it now.

"You're not still mad, are you?" she asked in a small baby voice.

"No," he lied but relented enough to give the impression that things were okay. Honestly he felt bad for her now. He knew that she would only have gotten seriously drunk if she was really hurt. Normally she handled her alcohol just fine.

"I hate hangovers," she grumbled, "I never get them. I just I'm so stupid, Nate!" she cried and pressed her face to the pillow. He could hear her sniffling and immediately felt worse.

"Rachel, it's okay," he said moving his hand to stroke her bright red hair, but something stopped him and instead he just rubbed her arm. "I'm sorry we fought."

Rachel turned around to look at him, and rubbed her tears away. "Me too, Nate. Are we okay?" she asked scared. Nathan nodded but felt sick as he did it. Nothing was okay. It was all too much and he was so sick of lying and the drama. He just wanted to be done with it. He was so sick of hurting people, and in the long run, especially himself. Something had to be done. He had to think about it, but a change needed to happen.

"Look Rach, I think I'm going to go to school. I really don't want to miss. You can stay here and rest it off if you think you'll be okay, or I can take you home."

"I just want to sleep awhile," she said already starting to drift off, "When I wake up, I'll just walk home. It's not far."

"Sure?" Nathan asked and Rachel nodded. "Okay, here's some aspirin."

"Thanks," she said softly, smiling at him before closing her eyes and falling back to sleep. Nathan nodded and quickly changed his clothes, feeling bad about not showering, but he for some reason really just wanted to get to school. He left the house a few minutes later and drove to school arriving just as a new class started. He went into the formation and pretended he wasn't late and hadn't missed anything. Just went to the rest of his classes that morning. When lunch came he made his way to quad, and saw his four friends waiting at the table staring at him like a firing squad. He sighed as he approached but sat down.

"Where the fuck were you this morning?" Lucas asked angrily. Before Nathan even got a chance to answer, Lucas continued. "You've been acting weird for days, Nathan. Heck even weeks. What's going on with you? We're your friends, yet you haven't told us anything."

"Look would you please just chill?" Nathan asked weakly. "Rachel and I got into a stupid fight so she went to the party last night and got drunk. I picked her up from there and took her home. Let's just say she had a wicked hangover and slept late, and I didn't want to leave her until she woke up and took some meds."

Brooke whispered something to Peyton before looking back at Nathan worriedly. "Nathan, we were at the party. And the better question is where were you all night? You knew Rachel was upset but you blew us all off last night at the game, and then you didn't even show up at the party."

"I did come!" Nathan protested.

"Not until late," Jake said quietly clearly not happy being involved in a conflict, but felt it was compulsory. "We just want to know where you were. Make sure you didn't do anything stupid."

"That's not just it," Lucas cried, "Why have you been acting so upset, so on edge? Tell me, Nathan, and don't bullshit. We're your fucking friends!"

Nathan shook his head. He couldn't take more pressure. Everything felt like it was ripping at the seams, and he was about to burst. He just couldn't take it. "What is up all your asses? You may be my brother, Luke, but that doesn't mean you have any idea what I feel." Lucas stared at him in hurt and shocked silence. Brooke touched his arm carefully. Nathan felt bad and wanted to stop, but he couldn't. The words were rolling off his tongue like vomit. "Just leave me alone. All of you. Stop treating me like you're my parents and I'm a little kid. I don't need your worry or your sympathy. Just leave me the fuck alone!" With that he stood up and stalked off not looking back at his shocked friends.

"This is bad," Lucas said coldly, distantly.

"Way to state the obvious," Peyton muttered clearly annoyed. Jake shot her a look to tell her this was not helping, and she sighed loudly.

"What's happening to him?" Brooke asked sadly. She had probably been friends with Nathan the longest and the fact that he was blowing her and his brother off was getting to her hard. "When will he ever stop putting up those stupid walls?" she asked, her voice a mix of fury and sadness. Brooke looked down, and wiped the small tears that had formed at Nathan's harsh words.

"Look I don't want to sound stupid, but maybe we should just give him time. Maybe he was just taking care of Rachel and us jumping down his throat isn't doing him or us any good. Let's just stay chill for awhile, okay?" Jake suggested.

"Fine," Peyton said grumpily, and Lucas and Brooke just nodded. Sure they were worried about Nathan. But at this point it was hard to really think of anything they could do to help him especially if he didn't let them in and they didn't know the real problem. There really wasn't much else to do but try and hope for the best.

Nathan fumed near the gym for a few minutes before sighing and falling, his back against the wall, until he was sitting against the ground. He knew lashing out at his friends wasn't getting him anywhere, but them ganging up on him wasn't doing him any good either. He needed a change, and he needed it now. This was all too much, more than he could handle. And he was done with stressors and feeling like shit. He didn't know what to do though. He knew his body couldn't handle much more, but it also wasn't providing him with a solution. In his brain, he knew he had to give up one of them. But which? Haley or Rachel? He rolled his eyes, knowing how stupid these thoughts were since he wouldn't be able to choose. But maybe he could pull away a little. His and Haley's and his and Rachel's relationships had both gotten too intense recently. Maybe if he pulled back; made it more about fun. He knew Rachel wouldn't protest. In fact she probably agreed, and did not want a repeat of last night where things had gotten way too heavy. But Haley – something about that scared him. Typically, he knew it would hurt her. Here he had basically come close to saying he needed her and couldn't stay away, and now he was going to pull it all out from under her and push back and pull away from her. It was a jackass move; one he knew would hurt her even more. But at this point, it was the best he could do. The only thing he could think of. So he resolved to talk to her, and with that the bell rang prompting him out of his thoughts and back to the real world.

Immediately after school Nathan headed over to the tutor center. He had made up his mind to just talk to Haley about his decision and hope that she would go along with it and not be to too hurt. He walked briskly and pushed open the door, unsurprised to see her already sitting at a table with books spread out waiting for her next tutee.

"Hey Randall," she said smiling but it faded as she looked up and saw Nathan, and not her expected tutee. "I have a session now. You can't be here."

"Haley, we need to talk," he said seriously. "It won't take long," he added noting her worried expression and glance at her watch.

"We're supposed to start in five minutes, so hurry."

"I just I want to go back to the way things were two months ago," he said as he sat down across from her.

"What do you mean?" she asked narrowing her eyes.

"Before all this drama and pressure. When we would just hang out. Look I'm not saying I want to stop seeing you. I just think we need to take a step back from how serious this is getting." Nathan winced at his words knowing they weren't coming out how he wanted to express them. Haley's face painted a picture of hurt and she swallowed sharply. "Look that's not what I meant," he added lamely.

"Then what do you mean?" she asked coldly clearing not giving him any favors or help with this.

"I want to have fun with you again. I want everything to be calm and less stress."

"Nathan, that's so unrealistic and stupid. Why would you ever…" Haley's voice petered out as she noticed his expression.

"Haley," he caressed her name, "Please."

"Nathan," she tried to say but again he silenced her with his eyes. She could see his anguish. She could tell how much everything was draining him. And even though this was hurting her too, she had a weakness for him. She would let him hurt her as much as he wanted, as long as he was happy. There was too much pain and too much pressure on him. She knew that. And in her heart all she wanted to do was alleviate it somehow. Just do something.

"Please I need this. I just need things to be normal."

Haley ran a hand through her hair and sighed but Nathan could tell she had given in. "What do you want me to do?" she asked quietly.

"Can we hang out today? Just hang out and forget everything else. Please."

"I can come to your house after this if you want."

"Yeah, yeah that's good," Nathan replied, but his mind seemed elsewhere.

"Okay. You better go."

Nathan nodded and stood up to go. "I'll see you soon. Thanks Haley."

A plaintive "Your welcome," was the last thing he heard as he walked from the room. He stepped out onto the parking lot and drove. At first he went in the direction of Rachel's house feeling the obligation to talk to her, but he slowed and changed directions to go to the River Court. He couldn't really deal with seeing her face right now. Instead once he reached the court, he went out and sat on the gravel feeling the soft breeze blow all around, and picked up his phone to call her.

"Hey Nate," she said as she picked up sounding tired but also slightly better.

"Hey. You feeling better?"

"Yeah I'm good. Thanks for last night and this morning."

"Sure," he replied easily, "Look Rachel, I think that after yesterday we need to chill a little. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah I agree. Last night was too drama. We need to relax, have fun, not fight."

"Ok good. Well I gotta go, but I'll talk to you later."

"Sure boyfriend. See ya."

Nathan closed the phone and stared at it realizing how much easier that conversation was, yet he hadn't even the desire to do it in person. And with Haley, even thought he knew it would suck, he couldn't wait to see her face, and tell her everything. How could he want her so much and still not be able to end it with Rachel? It pissed him off but even more importantly it scared him. He had no idea what to do about anything anymore.

After sitting for awhile more and collecting his thoughts, Nathan stood up to go home. He entered his house and made his way to the kitchen for a drink. Surprisingly, both his mom and dad were there. They fell silent when he walked in and Nathan looked at them suspiciously.

"What's going on?"

"Hi Sweetie. Your father and I were just getting ready to go to that business dinner tonight."

"Oh," Nathan said flatly and turned toward the refrigerator.

"Nathan, your game was terrible last night. What was wrong with you?" his dad asked.

Nathan's face clenched and he tried to compose himself as he turned to face his parents. "Just a bad night," he stated like it was no big deal. Dan's eyes glared at him angrily.

"Well I think he played just fine. Twenty-one points was it, Nathan?" Deb said with a smile.

"Don't interrupt me Deb!" Dan said loudly while Nathan responded "Sixteen" with a sigh. "That's ten points lower than your average. You have to get your head in the game, son. No scouts want to see some kid who's slipping. Trust me. The problem is you're just weak," Dan continued.

"Dad it was one bad night! Just chill," Nathan snapped. He really was not in the mood for more of this now. He just wanted peace and quiet. Normally with his father he held it all in, so as not to provoke, but now he couldn't take it.

Dan looked like he wanted to say something else but Deb interrupted. "How's the girlfriend of yours, Nate. Peyton right? She's a lovely girl."

Nathan refrained from rolling his eyes at his mother's obliviousness, knowing it would just piss everyone off more. "Peyton and I broke up like last year. My girlfriend now is Rachel."

"Oh," Deb frowned like this was all news to her even though Nathan was sure he had introduced Rachel to her before.

"Maybe if you didn't work as much you do, you'd remember that Deb," Dan said rudely. "Anyways Nathan, we'll talk later. Try and practice tonight, since clearly Whitey is slacking by skipping today."

"We had a game yesterday."

"So?" Dan continued, "You boys are too soft. In my day I'd practice as soon as the game ended. That's how dedicated to the game I was."

"Dan, we really should go," Deb gently reminded him before he started in on one of his lectures. Dan nodded and gave Nathan another look, before standing and getting ready to go.

Nathan rolled his eyes knowing his mom expected him to be grateful for shutting Dan up for now. But in reality, she was never around when it counted. He watched them walk from the room toward the front door squabbling the whole way. He sighed and sat down in one of the stools at the kitchen counter, putting his head in his hands. But before he could relax for even a moment, he heard a hesitant knock on the glass back door. He looked up and saw Haley standing there looking at him expectantly. He sighed but jumped down and opened the door for her. He turned away rudely and didn't say anything, just letting her follow him inside as he began to rummage through the fridge. She stood behind him awkwardly and glancing at him unsure of what to say. Finally she just spoke.

"Hey," she said trying to sound bright. Nathan turned and looked at her angrily, but the look dissipated from his face as he realized he wasn't really angry at her. He knew she was pretending everything was okay for his sake, but he could see beyond the façade.

"How much did you hear?" he asked his voice void of any emotion.

Haley winced. "Almost all of it," she admitted looking down at the ground knowing this was the last thing he wanted.

"Great. Just freaking great," he muttered and started stomping out of the room toward the stairs.

"Nathan," she called after him as she followed finally catching up to his large footsteps at the top of the stairs. "Will you just calm down?" she asked softly as she placed a hand on his arm. He shrugged it off and flinched, before walking into the room. She followed him but he had already slammed the door just as she arrived. Haley's mouth opened in shock, but she pounded on the door anyways, knowing he had locked it. "Nathan, open the goddamned door. Don't you dare think you can walk away from me and lock your door, when you're the one who asked me to come over! If you're really mad at me than at least talk to me about it. And if you're not then stop being such an asshole. Okay? Just stop!"

The door opened slowly and Haley felt her body being yanked into the room. Soon his arms were around her and she felt herself pushed against the door in the dark room. Nathan crashed his lips onto hers and held her tightly until her body stopped wiggling under his and she was in complete submission. Like every other time Nathan had his lips on her, all of Haley's thoughts went blank and she could only kiss him back. He pulled away and attacked her ear. His teeth and tongue swirled on the edges circling in. "You're so fucking sexy when you're angry," he whispered huskily in her ear before moving his lips down to her neck. He sucked in hard with an intensity he had never used before. He was hard and aggressive and his normal tenderness was gone for the moment. He needed this. He needed her, and he needed her bad. She was like a drug that he had to have. Haley's hips bucked up at the feelings pulsing through her from his lips on her neck, and she dug into his groin. Nathan hissed into her neck before moving his lips back up to hers. He kissed her hard tugging aggressively at her lower lip and slipping his tongue into her mouth to duel with hers. They circled each other like eels about to strike, and Haley felt herself beginning to fall against the door. She pulled away, her mind in a haze and stared at Nathan.

"Nathan, the bed, please?" she moaned, "I can't…stand." Nathan smirked at his effect and turned her body from the door before dragging her and almost throwing her down onto his bed, quickly following on top of her. His lips found hers again and he kissed her so hard that it felt like he was suctioning off her mouth. This wasn't gentle; it was anything but. And it wasn't supposed to be. Nathan needed this. He needed her hotly to relieve all the tension coursing through him. He needed it all to be gone.

Nathan moved his hands roughly to her waist as he threw off her zip-up hoodie. Her tank top was in the way, and being impatient Nathan just ripped it off with all his strength. Haley gasped but didn't say anything, because immediately Nathan had unclasped her bra and threw it to the ground. His mouth was already on her breasts biting in hard to the center. Haley sucked in her breath. It felt like nothing he'd ever done before. It was so harsh but it felt so good. "Nathan, more," she breathed out and he smirked again loving her begging. She lifted up her torso so more of Nathan's mouth could capture her chest. After a few minutes, he moved his lips down, as his hands replaced where his lips had been. He massaged her so roughly that it hurt and a painful look washed over Haley's face.

"Nathan, stop that hurts," she cried. He kissed her coarsely so she was silent, ignoring her previous cries, as he moved his hands down to her jeans undoing the buttons quickly and pulling them off her legs along with her underwear. She was naked under him, waiting for him. And he wanted her. He was claiming her. Haley shivered expectantly under him waiting for him to feel her like before. But instead of moving his hands to touch her, they went to undo his own pants. He started to pull them down and Haley looked up at him in confusion, and then anger. With all her might, she pushed him off her and pulled the sweatshirt back around her shoulders.

"What are you doing Nathan?" she shouted, "God I trusted you. I thought you wanted me for more than this. I can't believe you!" she screamed upset before jumping out of the bed to put her clothes back on. Nathan reached out to touch her, "Haley," he said softly, trying to stop her, but she shook him off.

"Don't you dare touch me. Don't you dare."

"Haley, I'm sorry," he tried again, his anger and aggression now washing away leaving him only with sadness and guilt, "I was just trying to forget. To I don't know get away from my mom and dad. I know you're not ready. I'm sorry. Please believe me."

Haley stared at him while tears started to form. "I'm going. I'll see you tomorrow." She shook her head sadly and started for the door.

"Please Haley, don't be mad," he said softly full of guilt.

"I'm not mad, Nathan. I'm not mad," she replied looking at him once more before walking out of his room.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Don't Look Away**

_Don't look away_

_If you do then I may_

_No one knows the truth_

_Not even you_

_You let your mind show_

_Hate that I've known_

_That I've been there before_

_Don't look away anymore_

**~ Joshua Radin ~**

As Nathan lay awake in his bed that night, long after Haley had left his room, he still couldn't get her from his thoughts. He hadn't eaten anything, he couldn't sleep; his mind was permanently playing songs of her, and what had happened that evening. He hated his parents, both of them. His mom for being so oblivious and never present to witness the shit his dad put him through. And his dad – god he just wanted to hit him so hard sometimes. Just pound into him like he pounded into Nathan every chance he got. His incessant bullying had gotten worse over time, and now that Nathan was a senior and about to go to college, it had boiled over to new heights. Nathan couldn't take it. His father made him feel more rage than anything else. And he hated Dan for what he did to him. He was sick of trying to prove himself, when he knew nothing he ever did would be good enough for his father.

And then there was Haley. He hated feeling weak in her presence. But he did. She somehow was always here when things got at their worst. She saw what Dan put him through. Instead of being grateful that she cared about him, Nathan knew that he hated that she could see the real him. The infallible Nathan Scott, whose father could make his 6'2 frame shrink to about 6.2 centimeters. And she could read him. She could see so well into him without even having to try. She was the only person he knew who could pierce the walls he put up without even trying. She just knew. That scared him. He didn't want that. He didn't want her to know everything. But she did. He felt too vulnerable around her. And that scared him shitless.

Now he had hurt her. He had abused the trust she had in him by taking out all his anger and aggression from his parents on her. He had degraded her, making her feel like she didn't mean anything to him. That everything was about sex. He knew it was never about sex with Haley, which was one thing that he had never hidden from himself about their relationship. Ever since he had met her that day in late summer, she meant more than that. Sure she was beautiful, and that attracted him, but there was so much more to her. That day when he had seen her smile, heard her laugh, it was like he was trapped. She seemed to capture him in a way that no one else had. He genuinely liked to be around her. Initially they had laughed all the time. He had loved embarrassing her and making her blush, while a smile still danced over her cheeks. He loved making her laugh. But lately it seemed that every time they were together, she ended up hurt and crying. And he hated hurting her.

As he thought about everything, he realized that maybe it was for the best. Maybe he had really finally pushed Haley away for good. As much as that hurt him, and made him sick, he felt like maybe it was a chance. He needed to move on from her. She already knew too much about him, had too much of him. Of course, he didn't want to give her up. Deep down, there was so much feeling he had for her. But maybe it was time. He had hurt her too deeply. He had bruised and scarred her so much. Nathan just wanted her to be happy again, like they had been in the beginning. So as much as it would hurt him not to apologize to her, not to try and fight for her, he knew he couldn't. He had to move on. This was a sign. He had Rachel; he should stick with her. Haley and he were just too hard. They would never ever work together.

Nathan closed his eyes again, willing sleep to come, since clearly his decisions had been made. But it wouldn't. Deep down he knew he couldn't live without her. She was really the only person who could understand him. The only person who wouldn't put up with his bullshit. The one person who loved him more than anything he could imagine. But he wouldn't let these thoughts come close to his brain. He was done with her. From now on he would just stop speaking to her. Stop seeing her. It was better this way. Wasn't it? It had to be. And with those questions playing over in his minds, Nathan fell into a restless sleep. He tossed and turned for hours, and when he awoke, he felt so tired and miserable, like he hadn't slept a wink all night.

As he got dressed and drove to school, he tried to wipe all thoughts of the day before out, concentrating solely on the remaining basketball season. Yet as he approached the school and parked, sliding out, he came face to face with Lucas. Lucas glared at him and started to walk away. Nathan looked at his retreating form confused before thoughts of yesterday flooded back to him. Not only had he hurt Haley, but he had also bitched out his friends for no good reason. He sighed tiredly and started to jog after Lucas.

"Luke! Lucas, come on, wait up," he called.

Lucas turned sending Nathan to an abrupt stop. "What?" he asked gritting his teeth.

"Look," Nathan send running a hand through his short locks, "I'm sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have yelled at you guys. It's just that my parents…" Before he could even continue the sentence, Lucas's expression softened. Before Nathan had mentioned his parents, Lucas had glared at him, but with just that one word Lucas understood and was no longer mad. Although Nathan was grateful, he couldn't help but think that Haley would have told him that no matter what his parents did, it was no excuse for treating the people who care about you badly. Instead you should open up to them, and let them help you. Shaking his head to let those thoughts out, he quickly mustered a muttered "Sorry."

"It's okay, Nate. I know how they are."

"Yeah. Is everyone mad at me?"

"I think they were just hurt by what you said. They'll get over it. We all know what your parents can do."

"Yeah," Nathan said shortly and looked around. "I'm sorry about the brother comment, Lucas," he said softly, "That was wrong."

"It's okay," Lucas smiled cautiously hugged Nathan quickly.

"Ooh if it isn't my two favorite Scotts aren't making up," Brooke cooed as she came over to them. She wriggled her way into Lucas's side, and put her arm around his waist.

"I see you two are up to your old tricks," Nathan muttered and Brooke shot him a look. "Seriously Brooke, I'm sorry for what I said. You're one of my oldest and best friends." Nathan didn't finish the thought of what this meant, but Brooke understood.

"Just next time, promise me, you'll tell us why you're so upset, okay?" Although she posed it as a question, her voice still had a tone of warning in it.

Nathan knew better than to mess with Brooke, so he nodded and shot her a smile, "I promise."

"Well I may be easy to apologize to," Brooke began breezily, "But Peyton's really pissed at you."

"Great," Nathan smirked sarcastically.

"Ignore her, Nate. They'll get over it. We know you have a lot of stress on your shoulders. From Rachel's issues to basketball to your parents," Lucas started to say but was interrupted.

"Oh my God, Broody! You did not just tell him to ignore me. You are so not getting any after that comment," Brooke began on one of her rants.

Nathan began to laugh as he watched Lucas trying to scrounge up answers and arguments against Brooke which just landed him further in the doghouse. While the couple continued to squabble, Jake and Peyton approached hand in hand. Nathan swallowed as they looked at him expectantly, obviously waiting for an apology or an explanation at least.

"I'm sorry for what I said. My parents are just driving me crazy," he began but Peyton cut him off.

"Nathan, don't go off on us like that again. Even if it's justified."

Nathan laughed. "Yeah I'll try."

"Anyways," Jake cut in, "I'm sorry for laying into you like that. We probably could have handled it better."

"Thanks, but I understand why you guys were upset."

"Well you better," Peyton said mockingly but she had a smile on her face.

"So anyways, what'd he do this time?" Jake asked beginning to laugh as a red-faced Lucas was listening to Brooke yell and gesticulate with her hands.

"Oh he just told me to ignore what she said," Nathan said with a grin.

"Rookie move," Jake observed with a wince.

"Lucas you're an idiot!" Peyton called over. Nathan laughed and Jake shushed her with a smile on his face. At this Brooke threw up her hands and stalked off. Lucas stared after her, clearly bemused, before walking back to his friends.

"What'd I do?" he asked confused to the rest of his amused friends.

"What'd she say?" Nathan asked.

"Something about being sexist, and not letting female opinions, which are both valid and smarter than male opinions, be heard."

"Yeah Lucas, I'd go with flowers. Brooke likes roses," Peyton said with a smile before giving Jake a kiss, and running after her friend.

Lucas looked at Jake and Nathan for help. The two exchanged glances before bursting out laughing. "Someone's in the doghouse," Nathan finally said and he and Jake continued laughing uproariously while Lucas grimaced next to them.

After he had made amends that morning, Nathan felt better. He was able to concentrate in his classes. Well not really on his classes, but he was able to focus on the things other than what he was trying to avoid thinking about, which was good. As the bell to his last morning class he sounded, he made his way out to the hallway, ambling down it, and out to the quad for lunch. He reached their usually table first, flung his backpack down and sat, awaiting the arrival of his friends. As he was drumming his hands against the table, he noticed a petite figure enter the quad. He quickly looked down as he saw Haley searching for someone. He assumed it was him, and he didn't want to be found by her, but his arrogance was wrong this time and she smiled as she sat down next to Skills. Nathan felt a stab of jealousy, and remorse, that she wasn't looking for him. He continued to eye her quietly. She appeared fine, but he could sense something was wrong. For some reason, he could read her like a book, and despite her normal exterior, there just seemed to be a cloud of distress over her. He continued to covertly stare at her, wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't even notice Rachel approach until she said his name.

"Nathan," she said and he immediately looked up to her.

"Hey, how are you?" he asked as she took a seat beside him.

"I'm fine. Don't act all worried. It was no big deal," Rachel said a little contemptuously.

Nathan sighed. Clearly the gratitude and vulnerability were gone, and Rachel was back to playing the bitch. It annoyed Nathan, even though he knew he was the same. But at least sometimes he tried to open up. At least with certain people. Like Haley. But Rachel acted like it was her prerogative to act like a bitch in order so people wouldn't see how delicate she really was. However, he didn't want to deal with this now. As long as Rachel was okay, and their stupid fight forgotten, he was glad to pretend to go back to normal.

"Yeah I know," he muttered, "Just asking a simple question." Rachel rolled her eyes and started to say something else when the rest of their friends approached the table, bags in hand.

"Hey Rach, you feeling better?" Brooke asked as she snuggled in to Lucas after sitting down next to him.

"Obviously," Rachel said in a duh voice.

"Good because we wouldn't want you to miss cheerleading, now would we?" Brooke asked in a sickly sweet tone.

Nathan smirked. He loved how Brooke could dish out the bitchiness in full, but she would never take anyone else's, not even her friends, especially if she felt it was unjustified. Nathan turned to Lucas, lifting up his brows. "So what'd you do to get back Brooke's affections?"

Lucas turned bright red, while Brooke smiled. "He wrote me a poem and performed it in front of English class. It was very romantic," she said turning to give Lucas a big kiss.

"Kill me now," Peyton grumbled and Jake chuckled.

"You are so whipped," Nathan said smirking at his brother.

"The curse of being in love," Lucas replied with a shrug.

"Oh Broody, you are so sweet," Brooke cooed and made her way onto Lucas's lap. She began to kiss him sliding her arms around his neck, while he moved his arms to her waist. The two seemed to be lost in their own world, not even realizing their friends were still there.

"Guys, we're eating," Peyton complained, but they made no movement to stop. "Seriously! Oh my fucking God, I am killing the two of you later." She stepped up angrily, grabbing her lunch with one hand, and pulling Jake with the other. "We're finding a new table. Now!"

Just as the four of them began to get up to leave, Brooke and Lucas separated for air. "Where are you guys going?" Lucas asked confused.

Peyton stared at him, cocking up one of her eyebrows. "You two are so disturbing."

"Can't help it," Brooke giggled, "My Broody is just too sexy for his own good."

"Ok that's enough for one day," Nathan said with a grimace.

Brooke pouted, but quickly put a smile back on her face. The six friends continued their lunch, talking happily, and it seemed as if everything with them was back to normal again.

After school, the friends reconvened in the gym for basketball and cheerleading practice. Nathan felt glad to finally be back on the court, and he focused solely on working hard and showing off his talents, even if it was only practice. By the end of 3 hours he was drenched in sweat and tired, but he felt better. There was nothing like running and feeling in control of the ball in his hands. It made him feel like the king of the world. And all the other shit in his life just seemed to disappear. As he came off the incredible high, he noticed a lone figure watching the practice. Her expression was unreadable but she was staring straight at him. Nathan glanced back at Haley, wondering why she was there, wishing she would just leave him alone so he could try and forget her. However just looking at her made it even and harder. He could feel himself falling, slipping through the lines of the court. Once again in a hole that he couldn't climb out of. And all the while her brown eyes were looking into him. Nathan continued to stare back at her, unsure of what to do or say. He seemed frozen in place, until he felt a hand on his back and turned.

"Dude, practice is over," Lucas said with a weird look on his face, "You coming," he said motioning to the locker room.

"Yeah," Nathan nodded and followed his brother inside the locker room to change. He showered and put on his regular clothes slowly. By the time he was finished, everyone else was long gone. He had told Lucas and Jake to just leave without him, since he wasn't in the mood to hang out with them even if it was for just a drive home. He sighed as he started to make his way out of the locker room, back to the spacious gym. He wondered if it had really been Haley; if he hadn't been hallucinating. And that just made him want her to still be there. He was in luck because as he stepped out he saw her standing there in the center, looking around the room. Without thinking, he started walking towards her, meeting her in the center circle. He stopped as he stood across from her, almost as if they were facing off for the tip. She swallowed and looked at him, the nerves clear on her face.

"Why haven't you apologized yet?" she asked softly, looking down at the ground, so he couldn't see her scared face.

Nathan could feel himself shaking at her words. He knew he had hurt her, but here she was begging him to ask for forgiveness, wondering what was stopping him, hoping that he hadn't forgotten her. She was begging him to make it all better, so he could continue hurting her. Her need for him scared Nathan, almost as much as the need he felt for her. "I thought it was better if we ended things this way," he replied quietly, shuffling his feet. He also looked away, so she couldn't see his shame.

"Oh," Haley said her voice breaking on the word, as tears began to formulate around her eyes.

Nathan could kick himself for that response, and now all he wanted was to take her in his arms, and promise that everything was okay. He always thought how much he hurt her by being with her, but he never realized how much worse it would hurt if he were to break her heart. And at that moment, he realized that all his plans were worthless. There was no easy out with her. It would never be over. "But, Haley, I can't just end it without apologizing. Actually I can't end it at all."

She looked up at him, seemingly transfixed by his words. "Do you… do you really mean that?" she asked quietly, stuttering, her words still fraught with panic that he didn't.

Nathan smiled and gently lifted up her chin with his fingers. "I'm here, aren't I," he said repeating her words from only a week ago.

Haley reciprocated the smile. It lit up her whole face, and Nathan felt a huge high, one that he couldn't explain. It felt like freedom. Maybe it was finally admitting some of his feelings, or maybe it was making her happy. Either way, he didn't want it to end. "Yes," she replied carefully, "You are here."

"And I'm sorry," he said as he began to pull her closer to him, but before he could claim her lips, her small hands pushed softly against his chest. He looked down at her questioningly.

"I know what you can do so I'll forgive you," she said coyly.

Nathan perched up an eyebrow. "Really," he said suggestively.

Haley blushed, the strawberry pink glow spreading over her face. "Not that." She paused for a moment to collect her thoughts. "Nathan you really hurt me, and I know you were just lashing out about your parents, but still, I felt so used. Like I was only for sex. I know it's not true, but I got so scared, Nathan. I just need to know that you want me for me, not for my body. I want to know the truth. I want you to talk to me."

"Talk to you about what?" he whispered, although a part of him already knew the answer.

"How you feel. About your parents. About me. I just want to know that you really want me. That's how you'll get my trust back, Nathan. If you prove that to me. Prove that we're friends above all else."

Nathan took her hand, and smoothly pulled them both down to sit on the floor. He didn't know why, but for some reason, he just had to get this all out. Normally he never wanted to talk about himself, but she'd already seen it. She already knew. There was nothing else to hide behind. Not with her. So he spoke. He began to tell her the truth.

"Haley, what you saw last night, that doesn't even come close to the worst. He's always yelling at me, telling me to do better, be better. And my mom, she's totally oblivious. She doesn't even try to make things better. Normally, I can take it. But with everything else, I sometimes wish I could… I don't know. I'm just so sick of it. And last night with you. I hate people seeing me like that. I felt so weak, so unloved. And then there was you, and I knew you cared. And that scares me, Haley. That fucking scares me. And what I did, I was so angry. At my parents for everything they do, at you for seeing it, and at myself for not being able to deal with it."

"Nathan, you're not weak. You could never be weak to me. You're so strong, and confident. Don't ever listen to your dad. He only wants to feed his own ego. And when I saw that, Nathan, I didn't pity you, if that's what you're thinking. All I wanted to do was protect you. I just want to be here for you."

"Haley, you don't get it. I hate that you want to protect me. I hate that you want to be with me. I don't deserve it. I'm cheating on my fucking girlfriend with you, and I can't seem to let either one of you go! I've been changing you for the worse. And I'm letting you get too fucking involved with my fucked up life."

"Listen to me, Nathan," Haley said pulling his head so his eyes were staring directly into hers, "No one's forcing me to be here. No one," she repeated forcefully looking straight into his black pupils, "Except maybe my heart," she said laughing a little bitterly.

Nathan pulled away, ashamed that he had told her all that, and of the way he made her feel. That he had let her know how he was feeling. He had revealed way too much. He felt too vulnerable, like all his walls at collapsed and were cluttered at his feet. He wished he could take it all back, but at the same time, on some level, he knew she needed to know all that. To hear the truth from him. Because he could foresee one day in the future that he'd break her heart. "Haley," he said softly, "You know tomorrow I won't…" he couldn't finish the sentence as he saw her eyes clouding over.

"I know," she said quietly, "But it's still today."

Nathan's face twisted into a sad half-smile, and he nodded. For tonight they were together, alone. There was no one else to worry about. They didn't have to think about anyone but themselves. Because for today, they were all that mattered. So he moved his body back towards her, and brought his lips to hers, relishing the familiar taste of his lips pressed to hers, the familiar touch of her body being cradled in his. He tenderly pushed her body down, as he hovered over her. He didn't care they were in the middle of an empty gymnasium. All he wanted was to keep kissing the one girl who completely cared for him. Right then, he knew he wanted her more than anything. All of her. His heart was aching in him to break it off with Rachel and just be with her. Tomorrow, he knew, he would fight that thought off. He would pretend that things could continue the way they were, and things with Haley would eventually patter out. But, for tonight that thought would live on.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Softer To Me**

_Life could you be a little softer to me_

_Life could you be more gentle to me_

_Yeah, I know this is a selfish plea_

_But this world is hard_

_It's cruel and I wish it could be…_

_Softer to me_

**~ Relient K ~**

The next few days seemed to go by in a trance for Nathan. School, practice, spending time with his friends and Rachel - the list of his obligations seemed endless. He concentrated solely on them that he barely had anytime to see her. It wasn't like he was purposely avoiding Haley, but after their night together in the gym, it became even harder to be around her. Not only because he was upset at being so open about his problems, but because for the first time he realized how much he wanted her. That night with her in his arms, against the hard gym floor, he had been ready to give it all up. Just give up everything for her. He knew she wasn't pressuring him or telling him he needed to do anything, but the feeling was so overpowering. All he wanted was to be able to have her every single day without the secrecy and lies. Of course, he had kept his word to her. The next day he had acted like the normal Nathan Scott. And the normal Nathan Scott was popular and made out with his cheerleader girlfriend, and had no use for the lowly people like Haley James. But that didn't stop him from wishing for her. And that prevented him from seeing her, because he knew he would fall deeper into the hole that was Haley. So deep that he wouldn't ever make it out. Even though he was clearly already stuck.

"Hey boyfriend," he heard, and turned from his seat at the classroom table to see Rachel smiling at him. He smiled back and lifted his face to meet her in a quick kiss. However Rachel wasn't letting go, and she held his lips against her for a good thirty seconds. As she pulled away, she smiled at him again, "See you're all mine."

Nathan looked away trying hard not to roll his eyes. It seemed that lately everything Rachel did was annoying him; her possessiveness, bitchiness, and even her seductiveness. At first he had been attracted to her, since she was so sexy, but now it just came off as slutty to him. He knew that he wasn't happy, yet he felt powerless to stop this path of self-destruction. As he looked back toward her, he felt cold. This wasn't what he wanted, but as he so often told himself, it was what he was getting. He shook his head trying to let the negativity out; to just be happy. After all people would kill for what he had. Somehow though, this thought just made him even more depressed.

"Hey, Nate, you okay?" Rachel asked as she turned his head gently with her hands.

"Yeah, just thinking," he said, so tired that he didn't even bother to reassure her with his signature smirk.

"Ok. Do you want to hang out after school?"

Nathan inwardly groaned. He really didn't want to. Today he just wanted to be alone, as it was one free day where he didn't have practice. But to tell Rachel he didn't want to hang out with her would not be good, and he didn't have any other excuses, except ones that were extremely far from plausible.

"Hey Hotshot N. Scott," a peppy voice said coming to join the study hall table. Nathan gave a silent sigh of relief as Brooke approached and interrupted him from answering.

"Hey Brooke, what's up?" he asked as she sat down at the table.

"I'm bored," she pouted, only just noticing Rachel, "Oh hey Rach. Anyways Lucas left me all alone for study hall, and I have nothing to do."

"The horror," Rachel said rolling her eyes. However Brooke ignored her as she could extract that Rachel was just upset at Brooke interrupting her and Nathan.

Nathan smirked, "So where is that idiot brother of mine?"

"He is trying to get Haley to forgive him," Brooke said with a sigh.

"Again?" Rachel sneered looking down at her fingertips.

Nathan swallowed hard as he felt a lump growing in his throat. He coughed before speaking again. "Uh why?"

"Well basically I told him that I was sick of him being sad over it. He felt really down after the first time he tried unsuccessfully. Plus your little stunt a few days ago, Nathan, made him question if he deserved friends after what he'd done, so there we are. Anyways I finally told him to just go talk to her."

"Good for you, Brooke," Nathan said sincerely.

"Yeah, I just hope it works out with them. The girl seems really stubborn," Brooke said with a laugh.

Nathan smiled knowing how stubborn she could be. God he loved that about her. Fuck, he thought, he hadn't meant to use the word love. Damn, damn, damn. This wasn't good. However before his thoughts could progress any further Rachel spoke.

"I don't see why he bothers. He got popular, she seems to have moved on, so get over it."

"He really cares about her, Rachel," Brooke said softly.

"Why, was he like fucking her or something?" Rachel asked coldly.

Nathan could feel his anger and jealousy rising. Anger at his girlfriend for being such an insensitive bitch and jealousy that maybe Lucas and Haley had had a thing. He knew Lucas wouldn't do anything to Brooke, but still he felt completely out of control at that moment. He stood up quickly, his chair falling over. Both Rachel and Brooke stared at him curiously, but he simply waved it off casually. "I have to go now," he said quickly before grabbing his things and in a haze walking out of the study hall classroom.

Nathan turned the corner in the hallway, but stepped back when he saw the two of them together. Intensity seemed to radiate from their conversation, without him hearing a word of it. However after he caught his breath, he turned his head to listen in on the conversation of two people he knew he cared about more than words could describe.

"Haley, I was wrong. I acted like an asshole by leaving you all alone that night. But there's nothing I can do to change that now. All I can do is try to fix things for now. And if you can't accept that, then maybe we're not meant to be friends." Nathan could see Lucas wince at these harsh words, and Lucas quickly tried to amend them. "I'm sorry Hales, I didn't mean it quite like…"

"No," Haley interrupted, "You're right, Luke," she said softly.

"I am?" he asked surprised.

"Yes. You hurt me, Luke, and at the time you didn't do anything to make that better. But I guess now I realize how hard it is to disappoint the people you care about, especially if you have other expectations to live up to that are pulling you in the opposite direction."

"No offense, Haley," Lucas said with a small smile, "That doesn't sound like you. I thought you couldn't stand the whole popular crowd and their social hierarchy. And for you to say that what I did is justified. It's a little unnerving." Nathan flinched at how well Lucas could read into exactly what Haley meant. Clearly their friendship had been much deeper than he had initially thought. And that further sparked the envy coursing through him.

"I don't condone what you did, Luke. I just understand it. And I forgive you, because you're my friend, and I love you."

"So we're friends," Lucas asked tentatively with a shy smile.

"You're on notice," Haley smiled back. Lucas's grin grew wider and he pulled her into a hug. Her body was tense for a moment before relaxing in the arms of her best friend. Like anything that was misplaced for awhile, when you find it again, everything just felt warm.

"This weekend we should get together," Lucas said as they broke apart.

"Yeah I'd like that," Haley said softly.

Lucas nodded and quickly kissed the top of her forehead. "Look I better get back, but I'll call you." Haley nodded and Lucas began to walk back down the hallway towards Nathan's direction. He turned back momentarily. "I'm sorry for everything, Hales, but I promise it won't happen again." Haley nodded again, a few stray tears hanging loose in her eyelids.

As Lucas walked toward his direction, Nathan caught Haley's eyes. She stared at him with such power that he felt himself slumping against the wall. Her warm brown eyes seemed to glow with a hint of gold as she met his dark blue ones. And at that moment he realized everything she had said to Lucas -- everything about understanding why someone hurt the people they cared about since they were bowing down to the pressure -- was because of him. The reason she understood and accepted what Lucas had done was because of him. All of the changes she had undergone since he first met her were because of him. He had altered her; he had an impact on her. All this time he thought of what she did to him, of all the feelings she arose in him, but he never stopped to think of what he had done to her, except hating himself for hurting her. But maybe making her more willing to accept people's shitty explanations for treating her badly was even worse than the pain itself.

"Sorry," he mouthed to her, before looking down at the ground. When he looked up again, he saw her smiling sadly at him. She understood.

"Are you free this period?" he asked quietly.

Her eyes narrowed, and he could sense she wanted nothing to do with him at that moment. He wasn't sure if she was mad at him for ignoring her for days, for continually making her feel strung along, or for changing her into a person she despised. He wasn't sure for which of these reasons she was mad. All he knew was that he deserved anger for every single one of them. "Please," he said quietly, simply. He never begged for anything, but this was different.

She continued to stare at him, but she said noting as he lifted his feet and began moving closer to her. He stopped suddenly right in front of her, and her head tilted up to meet his eyes with hers. They were icy and obscure, too dark to read, but Nathan knew why. He didn't say anything but connected her hand in his, intertwining the fingers. He could feel her hesitance, how tense she was, but she didn't say anything. And he moved his hand to wrap her in his arms. She shivered, so small against him, but yet she fit perfectly.

"Do you want to get out of here?" she asked softly, whispering in his ear. She knew that by some inexplicable force she just had to be with him right now.

Nathan pushed back slightly and stared into her eyes, making her shiver yet again. "Are you serious?" he asked with a slight smile, knowing that Haley had probably never skipped a day of class in her life.

"Yes," she replied looking right back at him, "Let's just go."

He searched her face but only saw her determination. Taking her hand, he led them out of the building into the parking lot. He opened his mouth to say something else, but he already saw Haley getting into the passenger seat of his car. He followed suit. For a few minutes, they sat in silence as he just drove. Both seemed lost in their thoughts. Finally Nathan looked at Haley, who was staring straight ahead.

"Where do you want to go?" he asked quietly, thinking what a stupid question it was.

"Oh," Haley flushed clearly not having thought this through. Nathan smiled as she struggled for an idea. "I honestly have no idea," she admitted.

"It's okay. I think I know somewhere," he said and turned left to go in the direction he desired. An awkward tension filled the car as both continued to not talk. Nathan drummed his fingers slightly against the steering wheel, while Haley continued to stare almost miserably out the window. Neither knew what to say. After not having any contact for several days, it almost seemed as if they didn't really know each other. Haley sighed and Nathan turned to look at her. "Hales," he said softly.

"I'm sorry, Nathan," she replied surprising him, "I know I'm being really weird."

"No it's okay," he started to say but she continued and cut him off.

"I don't even know why I wanted to leave. One minute I'm standing here pissed beyond belief at you, and the next it felt like we were the only two people alive and I wanted to be with you more than anything. Just to get away from it all. I know it's stupid, but…"

"Hales," Nathan interrupted trying not to laugh. She turned to look at him questioningly, and he grinned at her, "Shh it's okay."

"Okay," Haley replied her face breaking into a smile too.

A switch seemed to come over the car then. Or more likely the occupants in it. Haley's words seemed to have a magic effect and Nathan could feel that they were the only people alive. Or at least everyone else in his life no longer existed or mattered. It was simply them. Alone and together.

"So where are we going," Haley asked suddenly breaking the silence.

"Here," Nathan said as he approached the house they had come upon. Haley stared out of her window in wonder as she saw the beach a few paces ahead. So this was it. The Scott's infamous beach house. She knew Nathan threw parties here, but she had never been before. Pushing that thought out of her mind, she turned back to him with a huge smile.

"This is so amazing, Nate."

He smiled glad he had found a place where they could just relax and have fun, completely together. "Come on," he said as he parked the car and swiftly unbuckled and climbed out the door. Haley followed after him as they made their way into the house. She gaped in awe at the elegance and beauty of the house, both inside and out.

"So this is what all the fuss was about," she teased.

"Yeah," Nathan grinned sheepishly, "Sorry I never invited you here before."

"Don't worry about it," she said with a small smile letting him know that she was still glad he had said that.

"I'll be right back," he promised as he went to the kitchen and his parent's liquor cabinet. He grabbed a bottle of wine, and brought it back out with him to the living room, where Haley was staring at the paintings. "I brought refreshment," he said holding up the bottle and smiling at her.

"Oh Nathan I couldn't."

"Come on, Hales, live a little. Let's just have fun today. Okay?"

She looked up into his eyes and she was so tempted to just give in. For some reason she knew that a day like this wouldn't come along again and she wanted to savor every moment of it. She wanted to have fun and forget everything else. Just pretend that it was the two of them. "Okay," she relented, "But can we go back to the beach. It's nice out."

"Sure come on," Nathan said taking her hand with his free one and almost dragging her out to the sand.

Several hours later, a drunken Haley, and a buzzed Nathan lay out on the sand several yards from the wooden dock connected to the Scott property. The glass bottle of wine, now spinning along the sand. They had spent the last few hours alternately sharing the bottle of wine, talking, and occasionally kissing. Of course, Haley, not being able to handle her liquor as well as Nathan had gotten drunk quick and fast. He was slightly drunk but nowhere near as badly as she was. She was now singing out loud before she began to giggle hysterically and fall all the way back against the sand. "Nathan I really really like you," she said dreamily, closing her eyes for a moment.

"I really like you too, Hales," Nathan said smiling giddily as he attempted to lift her up to sitting upright."

"Nooo," she protested petulantly, "Let's play in the sand. Pretty pleaseeee." She pouted at him before rolling back against the sand in laughter."

"I've never seen you like this," Nathan smiled down at the girl beside him.

"Well you've never gotten me drunk before, mister," she said pointing a finger into his chest.

"You're cute when you're drunk, Hales," Nathan laughed.

"Are you implying I'm not cute when I'm sober," she asked with a sad face.

"Leave it to you to still use big words when you're smashed," Nathan teased.

"Hehe, we all know I'm smart, Natey," she said dragging out the syllables, "But what about me being cute," she whined.

"You're always cute, Hales," Nathan smiled leaning over to kiss the top of her forehead.

Haley smiled and purred contently before rolling over so her stomach was against the sand. She giggled and looked at him. "Just cute?" she asked as she rubbed against the sand, letting her shirt ride up, so he could see the skin of her lower back.

Nathan groaned, already mesmerized by just an inch of her skin, and put his hands on the smooth peach of her back, before twisting her body so she was now almost cradled in his arms. "And sexy as hell. Very, very sexy," he murmured as he kissed her neck.

"Mmm," Haley whimpered as she felt his mouth take over her body. Nathan began to move his mouth closer to hers to fuse them together, but at that moment Haley jumped from his arms and went flying in the air. She landed with a crash against the sand a few feet from him, and burst out laughing. She managed to stand, although it was wobbly.

"Haley, are you okay?" Nathan asked trying hard not to laugh.

"Yep," she smiled, "But I want to go swimming. Now!" Without bothering to listen for a response from him she tossed her shirt over her head and began to unzip and unbutton her jeans before rolling them off her legs. Nathan's breath caught in his throat as he saw her in simply her bra and underwear. God, she was beautiful. He quickly removed his shirt as well and pulled down his pants. He smirked when he saw that even in her drunken stupor Haley was still admiring his body.

"Like what you see, Hales?" he teased.

Haley grinned back wildly but turned and began to run toward the water. Her voice drifted back to him, "Last one in is a loser." Nathan began to run after he and he caught up with her the moment they were both about to hit the water. Grabbing Haley's bare waist, he encircled his arms around her and threw them both into the water. When they came up for air, they were both sputtering. "That was mean, Natey," Haley said but the silly smile poking through on her face betrayed that she couldn't have cared less.

Nathan smiled at her, and he quickly swallowed and tried to calm himself, as he realized, Haley looked even sexier with her hair and body wet and dripping. "You know you love it, Hales," he smirked at her.

Haley came back closer and smiled coyly up at him. "I so do love it," she said breathlessly before flinging herself into his arms and kissing him. As the water lapped all around them, Nathan and Haley continued to kiss. Nathan brought his hands to caress the sopping wet locks dripping down her body, while she explored the muscles in his back, grazing them softly with her fingers. Their legs tangled in the water, and Nathan could feel himself wanting to just devour her right here and now. God, she felt so good next to him. It all felt so good. Too good.

Suddenly, the sound of a phone from back where they had been sitting in the sand interrupted the idyllic moment. Haley and Nathan jumped apart almost as if they had been caught doing something wrong. Which in a sense, they had been. Nathan looked at Haley strangely, unsure of what to do or say, while she stared back at him, looking much more sober and clear of what was going on. "I have to go answer that," she said lowly, starting to walk out of the water. Nathan followed her and stood a few feet away as she answered the phone.

"Hello… Oh hi Lucas," she said her voice starting to get a guilty edge to it, "Yeah I can meet you at the café for dinner…. okay that sounds good…. Yeah I'm excited too….alright bye."

Haley shut the phone and stared back at Nathan who was watching her closely trying hard not to betray his thoughts with the expression on his face. "I have to go now," she explained even though he already knew. Nathan nodded and hastily they collected their clothes and both put them back on, not even bothering to go back inside to the house to dry up. The silence and peacefulness had been broken. They were back in reality, a place where they both knew they had no right to be together. Not under the circumstances. Nathan sighed, because he knew he was back to all the shit he had been hiding and running from. He realized that it would always be there, no matter how hard he tried to escape from it with Haley. Haley glanced at him, her eyes kind, but Nathan ignored her and began to walk back to the car. Haley followed him and soon they were on their way back to Tree Hill. Back to reality.

"Just drop me off at the River Court," Haley said softy, and Nathan nodded brusquely not bothering to answer. They were silent for the rest of the ride until Nathan pulled into the court. Haley looked at him and gave him a small smile. "Thanks for today," she murmured, before stepping out of the car. Nathan watched her begin to walk for a minute, before finally jumping out of the car and following her. He jogged after her and once he caught up he put his hand on her shoulder and turned her around. She stared at him in wonderment, before he leaned down and gave her a long breathtaking kiss. Neither knew what it exactly meant, but they could tell it was momentous. They finally broke apart and Nathan rested his forehead against Haley's.

"I'm sorry about everything, Haley, but today was amazing. I've never…" he began to say but stopped himself. He knew he would never get the right words out without hurting her more. "I'll see you, okay," he said quietly, tenderly. She nodded and gave him a small smile before kissing him one last time and beginning to walk off in the direction of the café. Nathan sighed and ran his hands through his short dark hair before finally walking back to his car and driving off.

Neither had noticed the curly blonde haired girl who had seen their every move.


	9. Chapter 9

**Note: **Here's for you Haley fans. We finally get a taste of things from her perspective.

**Chapter 9: Still Fighting It**

_  
Everybody knows  
It hurts to grow up  
And everybody does  
It's so weird to be back here  
Let me tell you what  
The years go on and  
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it  
And you're so much like me  
I'm sorry_

**~ Ben Folds Five ~**

Nathan lay on his bed thinking later that night. He had been in this position for hours. His back flat against the mattress, his eyes chasing shapes crawling over the ceiling. This afternoon had been so amazing, so free, like nothing he had ever experienced. He couldn't understand how he had avoided Haley all those days before, when after just one day together, she could make him feel infinitely lighter. But as he lay alone, the heaviness crept back. Rachel, his father, hell he even his friends were breathing down his back and there seemed to be no escape from it all. He felt permanently stuck in suspension between that life and Haley. God, Haley, he wished she were here right now. He wished Lucas hadn't called and taken her away. He knew he was acting jealous and paranoid, but he couldn't help it. Even though he wanted her more than anything right now, he couldn't help but hate the fact that he did. Nathan was so sick of fighting this feeling, but even when he told himself to stop he couldn't gather the courage to break up with Rachel. For some reason, the social hierarchy of high school was messing with his mind, twisting him up to think that he had to be with Rachel; that Haley was a non-option. So he persisted, keeping her at bay, getting close to her, but never letting him succumb all the way to the sensations for her that pulsed through him. Yet tonight, tonight he wanted her and badly.

Nathan closed his eyes. It was getting late, but hell if he knew what time it was. The sky outside had turned dark awhile ago, and he realized that there was no reason to stay awake anymore. He pondered these thoughts over and over, and never got an answer. His heart called out to Haley, but his rational brain insisted he stay in the safety and comfort of popularity and Rachel. As soon as his lids descended, he fell fast asleep. His dreams were fraught with images and symbols, but he was so exhausted from it all, that not even their haunting could wake him up. Yet it was the ring of his phone, alarmingly loud and pushy from his dresser that woke him in the middle of the night. He rubbed his eyes and glanced at the clock. 2:13 A.M. What the fuck, was the thought in his mind, as he swung out his arm, which first banged into the dresser, before coming in contact with his phone. He glanced at the illuminated name with bleary eyes. Rachel. He groaned and rolled over, but answered the phone.

"Yeah."

"Nathan," the voice on the other end said shakily, "I'm sorry, I just… I really needed someone," her voice pattered off. Nathan inwardly sighed, but sat up in bed.

"Rachel, what's wrong?"

"My parents called, and they're apparently having such a fabulous time in Europe, that they decided to stay until June," she started, her voice dripping in sarcasm.

Nathan did some quick calculations in his head and realized that this meant her parents would be missing graduation. "I'm sorry, Rach. That sucks."

"Can you believe that?" she shouted, before sniffling, her bravado out the window. "I don't understand, Nathan. I know I'm not perfect, but shouldn't they at least be a little interested in me. I'm still a teenager, and I'm all alone, and they just think hey it's fine."

"You're not alone, Rachel," he said, feeling guiltier by the minute, "You have all of us," he tried to rationalize.

"You don't get it, Nate. I know I act all confident and everything's fine, but I'm still a kid, at least a little bit of one. And sometimes I don't know what to do, but they leave me to decide everything for myself. I just I couldn't deal with it tonight."

"I'm sorry," Nathan said. He felt sympathetic and he felt bad. He wanted to take her in his arms. He did care for her, despite the fact that he was betraying her. And every time this happened, this rare moment of insecurity and need, he knew this was the real reason for why he couldn't break-up with her. Because sometimes it really felt she didn't have anyone else. "What can I do, Rachel?"

"Can you come over, Nate? Please," her voice was soft and breaking. It made the guilt light up in him.

"I'll be right there," he said, already getting out of bed and tossing his clothes on.

"Thank you," she breathed out, her voice more sincere than he had ever heard. And he nodded even though she wasn't there. He shut the phone, and walked out of his room.

The next afternoon, the six friends gathered at their usual table for lunch. Nathan slid down gratefully into a chair. He was so tired, obviously from being woken in the middle of the night, but also just with all his convoluted thoughts, and the knowledge that he had to make a decision, because he couldn't go on like this much longer. Thus, he was thankful for a simple break to just relax and be around his friends. As he sat down though, and placed his arm around Rachel, who wasn't quite herself, but was acting okay, he noticed Peyton frowning at him. He gave her a glance, and raised his eyebrow, assuming she was joking around, but she quickly averted her gaze from him.

Brooke settled down into the table in a flurry, her cheeks rosy and flushed, a usual tell-tale sign that she was beyond excited for something. "Ok party people, guess what tomorrow is."

"Uhh Friday," Jake grumbled, in between shoveling food into his mouth.

"Obviously," Brooke said rolling her eyes momentarily, before the smile returning to her face, "Also known as the weekend, meaning party."

"Which makes it different from every other weekend, how?" Nathan asked, although he was already amused by how energized Brooke seemed.

"Would you just listen to her?" Peyton said, her voice on edge. Nathan held up his hands and leaned backwards. Guess it was one of those days.

"As I was saying," Brooke said giving Peyton an affectionate nudge, "That club Peyton has been working on forever is opening tomorrow night, and we're all going."

"That sounds awesome, Peyt," Lucas piped up.

Peyton smiled at him, "Thanks Luke."

"Always good to have a new place to party," Nathan said, "Thanks Peyton." She barely acknowledged him in response except for a curt nod. Nathan sighed. What was with her today?

"Hey Nate," Lucas said, "By the way, Coach wanted to talk to you yesterday, but you were nowhere in sight."

"Just had some things to do," Nathan replied playing it cool.

Peyton snorted, and everyone turned to look at her, with either amused or weirded out expressions on their faces. She just shrugged and sank back in her chair. "What kind of stuff, Nate?" She asked it neutrally, but he could feel the subtle anger behind it.

"Just stuff," he said, trying hard not to sound angry.

"Whatever," Peyton said, rolling her eyes.

"Hey P. Sawyer, you ok?" Brooke asked, carefully.

"I'm fine," she replied, sounding as if she thought someone else wasn't. And Nathan could tell she meant him. Peyton always had a bitchy side. It was no secret that Brooke called her PMS as joke initials, but right now he didn't feel like taking her crap and mood swings.

"Look Peyton, I don't know what the hell is up your ass today, but do you think you could chill out by this weekend," he asked, assuming his asshole attitude.

Rachel giggled next to him, but Jake looked at him kind of angrily. "Whoa Nate, everyone can be in a bad mood sometimes."

"More like all the time," Rachel said laughing.

Peyton glared at her and then at Nathan. She looked like she really wanted to say something, scream at them, and stalk off, but instead she just shrugged. "Sorry. Forget it."

Brooke looked over at her trying to read her, but Peyton was as quiet as a clam. She decided to let it go. Peyton would come to her or Jake if it was really something important. "Anyways," she said, "Here's the game plan for tomorrow."

The other listened in as Brooke went into organization mode, explaining all the details of the plan. Inexplicably in the middle of her little rant, Peyton stood up, and walked away without a word. Both Brooke and Jake stared after her, looking worried. Lucas however tried to gauge Nathan's reaction, but his face was set hard in stone. Jake turned away from the direction Peyton had disappeared in and gave Nathan a look. He sent one right back and gestured with his body to ask "What?" Jake just shrugged, and leaned back, but it was clear to Nathan from his body language that Jake wasn't going to be the one to fix this. It was all on him.

Haley sat alone at a lunch table in the corner of the quad, reading a book. Mouth and Skills and the rest of her friends had finished lunch quickly, but she had decided to stay and just have time to relax. She turned the pages of her book getting caught up in the heartbreaking people with relationship problems that were not her own. All too often she wished she could break free of this situation, but there was that unexplainable pull that kept tugging her back to Nathan. The nagging in her head told her what it was, but she stifled it, fully knowing that it was impossible, even though she always maintained a small vestige of hope that one day… As her thoughts continued, she saw an angry looking Peyton Sawyer approach. What could she want from me? Haley wondered.

"I need to talk to you," Peyton said, her voice brooking no argument. Haley stood up wordlessly, and followed her even farther into the corner of the quad where no one could see them or hear them. Haley folded her arms over her chest and stared up at Peyton. She was not at all intimidated by her, nor did she believe she had any reason to be. "What is it?" she asked coolly.

"I don't know what kind of game you're pulling, but messing with people, not to mention sleeping with other girl's boyfriends is really not ok. Especially not with Lucas and Nathan, who are my friends."

Haley stood a little stunned that Peyton had found about her and Nathan, but that didn't mean she was going to act scared by this threat or whatever it was. "You didn't mention Rachel's name," she pointed out. "Guess you're not friends with her, huh?"

Peyton scrunched up her eyes into slits. "Do not play smart with me. I'm not taking your crap, because if you think you're anything but a slut right now, then you're wrong."

Haley widened her eyes at this, but she wasn't about to sit back and let Peyton Sawyer come at her for no reason, except she was pissy that her friends might actually want Haley James in their lives. "I'm not a slut, Peyton. I'm not sleeping with anyone," she said her voice solid with only an edge of anger.

"Right. I'm supposed to believe that after I saw you and Nathan and together."

"So you saw us. So what? It doesn't mean anything."

"You were kissing!" Peyton shrieked, "He's cheating on his girlfriend with you. A girlfriend you know about. What the hell is wrong with you?"

Haley took a deep breath. She knew Peyton was cutting close to where it hurt. Her moral code that she had essentially renounced to be with him. But she was so frustrated. With Nathan and how nothing had changed, with the fact that his friends were yelling at her for something he was doing. She just couldn't take it anymore. "Who the hell are you to come to yell at me about good or ethical behavior? You the girl who let him treat you like shit for a year, and then almost ran into the arms of his brother. So seriously take a step back, because my life and what I do has nothing to do with you."

Peyton narrowed her eyelids as Haley rehashed the more undesirable aspects of her history. "It does when you involve my friends. What could you possibly want from Nathan? Are you just messing with him for kicks? Are you really that cruel?"

That did it, and Haley was over the edge. "Your 'friend' Peyton," Haley said her voice dripping with sarcasm, "When's the last time you had a real conversation with him or asked him what's going on with his life. All of you are so content to just sit back and analyze him when he acts moody, but you never do anything to see if he's alright. Do you even realize how evil his father is, how oblivious his mother is, how much pressure he feels everyday from this goddamned school about basketball and popularity. Or are you too busy pouting when Nathan doesn't act like you all want him too? Is it any wonder that he can't talk to any of you, so instead he found someone else who really cared about him, someone who lo…" her voice choked on these last words, and she looked down so Peyton couldn't see her face and the tears forming in her eyes.

"You love him," Peyton said shocked. She meant it as a question, but both of them knew it was a statement. One of fact.

"I…I have to go," Haley answered before running off. She didn't stop until she reached the tutoring center. She locked the door behind her and collapsed down into one of the seats to think about what she had almost just revealed to Peyton. What she couldn't even reveal to herself. She broke down in tears and folded her head into her arms, not caring about missing any of her classes for the rest of the afternoon. She was content to just sit and cry.

Nathan's last class of the day was a free period, so he headed over to the tutoring center. With all of Rachel's issues, and the weirdness with Peyton, he just wanted a moment of clarity that only Haley could provide. He knew she was usually tutoring at this time, but he hoped maybe today, no one was scheduled for this time slot. When he got to the center, he realized the door was locked. He knocked on it once, and after a few seconds it began to open slowly. Nathan was greeted by a sight he could never get tired of. Haley stood before him, her long hair tied up in a messy bun on her head, and her eyes looking red-rimmed. He smiled at her, a gesture which she returned feebly, and he walked in, shutting the door behind him and turning the lock.

"Hey," he said, wrapping his arms around her waist, as her hands naturally found their way around his neck. They stood like this in the middle of the room. "Hi," she whispered.

"Are you okay?" he asked, again noticing her bloodshot eyes, and less than happy expression.

"Of course."

He nodded. "I missed you last night. I wish you didn't have to leave."

"How much did you miss me," Haley asked taking a step in closer to him. Nathan looked down at her, a little confused, but not displeased. Her voice sounded really flirtatious, which wasn't exactly Haley, but he wasn't complaining.

"I missed you a lot."

"How much?" she asked again, her tongue now swirling in his ear, so that she was completely pressed up against him. He could feel the strain in his jeans, and he groaned. He dug his hands in harder to her hips.

"I wanted you so badly last night, Hales," he murmured, "I wished you had spent the night with me at the beach house."

"Why?" she breathed out, her hands now running up and down his chest over his shirt.

God, she was turning him on so much and they hadn't even kissed yet. This wasn't Haley, and the rational side of Nathan knew that, but right now with her pressed against him, enticing him, he didn't really care how vixen like she acted. "Because," he explained, panting, "If you had stayed the night, we would have been all alone together in my bed."

Haley shuddered against him. "We're alone now," she whispered huskily.

Nathan needed no further prompting, and he grabbed the back of her head, crashing his lips onto hers. She clung on tightly to him, as his hands traveled all over her neck, and back. He pushed her backwards until they had moved enough so that she was up against a wall. He lifted her up slightly, his hands cupping her butt, as she encircled his upper thighs with her legs. He hissed into her mouth, as she opened it to let her tongue mingle with his. She grinded against him, slow at first, and then faster, so that he almost couldn't hold her up. He could feel his legs, strong as they were, falling out from under him, as she rubbed her body into his.

Half carrying her, he moved them over to one of the tables and laid her down on it, dragging his body up atop hers. He kissed her neck alternately biting in and licking to soothe the pain. He could feel her writhing against him, and moaning his name, every time his lips came in contact with a new patch of skin. He kissed her chin roughly, before reclaiming her mouth with his. His fingers started curling up her sides, lifting her shirt up with it. It rested just above her ribs, when he went under it. He tickled his fingers over the lining of the bra, when he realized the clasp was in front. This was too good to be true, he thought as he undid it. "God Hales, your skin is so soft, you feel so good, I want you so much," he said almost as a mantra as his thumbs brushed against her bare skin.

She moaned into his mouth, and she broke apart from him gasping for air. "Nathan, I want you, more than ever." He began to kiss and suck at her ear as his hands rubbed greedily over her chest. "Oh My God," she exclaimed arching her back up to him, "That feels so good, Nathan, so so good." He smiled against her ear, glad that he had evoked this response in her. "You feel so good," he said, as he moved his hands to run up and down her jean-clad legs, spreading them slightly. "I need you so badly," she whimpered, and Nathan kissed her hard, but in a flash he could feel her mouth disengaging from his, and he lifted up to look at her. Instead of the excited and pleasure filled girl from a moment ago, she looked upset.

"What's wrong?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"Stop," she cried out, even though his only connection to her body now was his hands limp on her thighs.

"Am I hurting you?" he asked unsure of what was going on.

"No I just, we need to stop. I can't do this. I can't need…" her voice pattered off, and he glanced at her, but she just repeated, "I can't do this."

"Haley, what's going on?" he asked, now stroking her cheek.

"Get off me!" she shouted, and he stepped back as if he had been shot. "God, I can't believe you."

"What the fuck did I do?" he asked, now really angry.

"Nothing," Haley said annoyed as she re-clasped her bra, and straightened out her shirt, "It's always nothing, Nathan. Nothing ever fucking changes."

Nathan sighed and stared at her. "Look Haley, I'm sorry, but do we have to ruin yesterday and today by getting into this. Yesterday was amazing. Can we just let it be for a few days, and just be here right now?"

"I told you I can't do this anymore, Nathan."

"Do what?" he asked his voice quiet, "Be with me right now?"

"Any of it," she answered, her voice low.

"Haley," he pleaded. His voice sounded weak and he hated it, but he couldn't handle this. How could she just walk away? Especially right now, when he was sure he needed her the most.

"I'm sorry, Nathan" she said. She got up and kissed his cheek and ran from the room.

Nathan stared after her, before sinking into one of the chairs in the rooms. He had absolutely no clue what had just happened. Sure, maybe Haley was being more forward than usual, but it did not at all explain her pushing him off of her and running out of the room with no real excuse. Or kissing his cheek after she had yelled at him. Was she mad at him? Was she upset about something else? He had no idea, and he hated not knowing what Haley was thinking, since usually he could without even trying. He sighed. He had come here because he had expected her to give him simplicity, happiness, and an escape from his crazy life at the moment – from Rachel demanding his attention, and Peyton being a bitch. But she hadn't. Instead she had left him even more confused than he was when he had shown up here. And what's worse, he may have been able to deal with the other problems, but he had no solution for him and Haley.

Around the corner, Haley sat curled up with her knees against her chest. She was crying really hard. She didn't even know what came over her. She had almost told Nathan she needed him, and sure it was in the heat of the moment, but she knew it meant more than that. She had always told herself that it was Nathan who needed her and depended on her, and she compromised her beliefs and stayed with him, because she knew he wouldn't be able to deal without having her as a constant in his life. And obviously, she knew she couldn't stay away from him, because he always brought her back. But now, she knew, and she had known all along, that she needed him to stay too. She had concealed it from herself all this time, but she more than needed him. She loved him. And Haley didn't know if she could handle that feeling, especially now that Peyton knew, and she was becoming friends with Lucas again. She was already so emotionally drained, and guilt, passion, and confusion consumed her daily. She had no idea what to do anymore.

"Hey Haley, are you ok?" she looked up frightened to see Lucas looking down at her, and she tried to smile. "Yeah I'm fine. Just a bad day, I guess." She turned down the hallway and saw Brooke and Peyton. She looked back at Lucas, and he helped her up.

"Why don't you come to Tric tomorrow night? All of us are going to be there. It'll be a cool place to hang out."

"I..I don't know," Haley said, her mind still swirling. Nathan would definitely be there. But with Rachel. She didn't know if she could take seeing that, especially now.

"Oh my Gosh, Tutor Girl," Brooke said barreling down the hallway, "You totally should. Shouldn't she P. Sawyer?" Peyton just looked at all three of them and shrugged before turning and walking away. Brooke looked after her hurt, before rolling her eyes, "Don't mind her, she's in a mood. This will be so much fun," she cried gleefully, already picking out an outfit for Haley in her mind. Haley just nodded and swallowed down the taste of vomit she could feel rising in her mouth. She tried to smile, as Brooke chatted on, and Lucas grinned at them, but all she could feel was dread.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: My Heart**

_It's my heart you're stealing  
It's my heart you take  
It's my heart you're dealing with  
And it's my heart you'll break_

It's my heart you're taking  
It's breaking bit by bit  
It's my heart you're dealing with  
But you don't know about it

If you'd feel like I feel  
And if you'd know what I know  
I don't think you'd ever play me  
I know you'd never play me

**~ The Perishers ~**

"Brooke, I…I don't know about this," Haley said tugging at the outfit now draped over her body. She was in Brooke's apartment standing in front of the mirror, making awkward faces into it, while Brooke did her own make-up. It wasn't just the clothes either. Haley was a little in awe of the fact that she was standing in Brooke Davis' apartment, let alone her bedroom (a place she knew almost every guy in school would kill to be in), and in her clothes. Not to mention, she would be going out tonight with the elitist of the elite. After school today, Brooke had ordered Haley to get in her VW Beetle in front of the entire student body, and then drove her here. Then she had spent about an hour picking out an outfit for Haley, another hour deciding on make-up and hair, and a third hour putting it all together. Haley's mind was just now slowing down and returning to normal. Her thoughts immediately turned to Nathan. She had no idea how to face him after the debacle of yesterday. She had made a complete fool of herself. Acting sultry and sexy, and then running away for no explicit reason. Of course she knew why, but she could bet that Nathan was beyond confused as well as pissed. She hated herself for trying to act like everything was alright. In fact, she hated herself for the whole entire thing right now.

"Tutor girl, shut up! You're rocking that outfit," Brooke said without even shooting her a glance.

"How would you know? You're not even looking at me," Haley complained. Brooke rolled her now lined eyes and looked Haley up and down. "Tutor girl, you are wearing a tight shirt that highlights your skin tone, and miniskirt that not only shows off your killer legs, but gives quite a view of your ass. You look bitchin'," Brooke squealed, "So quit bitching!" Brooke giggled at her own pun, and Haley felt herself relaxing a little. The deep brown corduroy miniskirt not only brought out her eyes, but made her rosy pink skin tone stand out. And the cap-sleeve pale pink t-shirt was a nice complement. She relaxed into the outfit, and brushed out her long honey blonde hair, so just a handful of it came down over her shoulder.

"Are you sure?" Haley asked looking in the mirror once more.

"Yes! Now come on, Luke's probably already been waiting for 20 minutes."

Brooke grabbed her bag and the two girls exited the apartment to meet Lucas, who was driving them. The ride there Haley was pretty quiet as Brooke trilled on and on about her day at school. Lucas contributed some questions, but Brooke's bubbly personality mostly took over. When they got to Tric, and crossed the threshold, her silence worsened. Haley immediately spotted Nathan and Rachel on the dance floor. Rachel was all over Nathan, rubbing her body aggressively against his. Haley stood basically alone for a few moments, as Lucas went to get drinks, and Brooke's social butterfly persona came to light with the people around them. Finally, when Lucas returned, with 3 drinks, she had something else to concentrate on then the scarring image of Rachel marking Nathan as hers for the entire world to see. She watched the two of them, analyzing their relationship. Rachel seemed really into it, dancing sluttily, and shaking her ass in front of Nathan. Nathan appeared kind of bored. As if he wasn't complaining, but he wasn't really enjoying himself either. Haley comforted herself with this thought, but immediately hated herself for it.

"You ok alone, Hales?" she heard, while she was lost in a maze inside her head. She turned to look at Lucas with a blank expression on her face. "I want to dance with Brooke awhile. Are you going to be okay alone?" he repeated.

"Oh yeah sure," she said, offering a small smile, "I'll be fine."

As Haley watched everyone dance, she felt alone and sad, as if she were shrinking back into herself. Her gaze held the longest of Rachel in Nathan's arms. How she wished that were her. That Nathan's strong muscular arms would curve around her body all out in the open for everyone to see. At that moment she caught Nathan's eye. He stared at her intently, his blue eyes, dark as the ocean during the night, drinking her in. She willed him to walk away from Rachel and come to her, she wanted him to so badly. Of course, she knew he wouldn't, but it seemed as if he might just now. As if he would really get up and show her how he felt. But abruptly he looked away and turned back to Rachel. Anger and pain flared inside of Haley. She could feel herself starting to cry, and she quickly wiped them away. She was so sick of crying because of Nathan Scott. Obviously, he didn't want her. It had all been something of a lie from the beginning. God, she wanted him. She wanted him so badly. She loved him. But she knew that despite how much he wanted her body, and needed her in some sense, he would never love her. He would never give up Rachel and all that entailed for her. He would never ever love her enough.

Nathan peeked back at Haley a few minutes after their eyes had met. She looked so beautiful, that he almost hadn't been able to control himself from running up to her and kissing her senseless. The soft locks of her long blonde hair were begging his fingers to run through them. The strawberry pink of her lips looked absolutely edible. And her legs, oh lord, her legs. He wanted to run his hands over them. They looked so smooth and rosy from all this distance. He ached to touch her and prove it true. Nathan longed to dance his fingertips over those long gorgeous creatures, and spread them apart, and make her his. Fully his. God, he had to look away before, because she was so beautiful. But now as he tried to catch her eye again, she would never meet it.

After a few more dances, the couples all made their way back to the table. Peyton stopped by for a second to kiss Jake. She nodded at Haley, as if there were an understanding between them, which Nathan found slightly odd, but didn't question. He kept sneaking peeks at Haley, willing her to look his way. He hooked his foot with hers under the table, but she withdrew it immediately. He looked at her, a question mark on his face, but she just sat there stoic. Soon her expression shifted to discomfort, as the rest of the 5 of them carried on a conversation about basketball and school and such. Rachel didn't bother to hide her disdain for Haley, or her wonderment at why she was there. Nathan sighed. This night was a disaster. Rachel wouldn't leave his side, and Haley was beyond pissed at him. God, he just wanted it all to go away. An announcement broke him from his thoughts.

"Hey hey hey, as much as all of you love the music I'm pouring out, it's time to showcase some T,A, talent. First off thank Ms. Peyton Sawyer for letting this music wander your way." A huge cheer interrupted the DJ, and Nathan could see Peyton blushing, especially after their table began to call out her name, almost drowning out the rest of people. "And without further ado, I'd like to invite anyone who thinks they can sing to go get up on that stage, and perform your little hearts out."

Nathan watched the expression on Haley's face change, as the DJ announced that Open Mic performances would now begin, and as he continued to give out instructions. Earlier she had just sat there bored and seemingly uncomfortable. Now she looked scared and a little bit sad, but there was something else in her eyes, that he couldn't quite decipher. Yet, he turned his attention away from her as Jake stood up.

"That's my cue," he said with a smile, and began to walk towards the stage. Nathan could see Peyton rifling through a box of cds, but she looked up and smiled as she saw Jake cross the room to the stage. Nathan felt a momentary thrill of envy run through him. Jake and Peyton seemed so carefree; they were just happy doing the things they loved and being together. He knew he hadn't felt like that in a long time. In fact the last time he remembered being truly happy was playing basketball alone over the summer just for himself, and meeting and hanging out with Haley towards the end. That thought sucked, because he knew the one person who made him happy was sick of him making her feel like shit. He sighed, and his fluttered away from his thoughts as the acts began to perform.

The first was a pompous guy, who looked to be a bit older than Nathan and his friends. He was spiky-haired and really skinny. Nathan rolled his eyes as the guy began to play, but he noticed through the corner of his eye that Haley seemed to really enjoy watching this guy play. She was staring at him intently, and swaying almost imperceptibly to the music. As the guy's act finished, she stood up and rushed from the table somewhere. Lucas and Brooke were too busy in their own world to notice her flight, as was Rachel who seemed to be absorbed in her nails. But Nathan watched her in wonder, completely missing the performer's name and cocky message at the end.

Jake came on next, and Brooke and Lucas broke apart to listen to him. Lucas had lipstick smeared on the corner of his mouth. Nathan rolled his eyes again and raised his eyebrows at him. Lucas just shrugged with a giddy smile on his face. Nathan shook his head and turned back to the stage, as Jake adjusted his guitar.

"Uh, this song is for Peyton," he said with a sheepish grin. Nathan could see Peyton beaming from the middle of the room, and once again he felt that flutter of resentment. "_I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl who's still around the morning after," _Jake sang launching into a cover of Elliot Smith's "Say Yes."

Nathan listened to him, glancing intermittently at Brooke and Lucas who were cuddled up together smiling at the stage, and Peyton who was swaying to the music, the look of love shining on her face. As Jake played the final chord, a loud whoop of clapping exploded along with cheers of his name. Tomato red crept up to his face but he smiled, and nodded as he walked back to the table. Lucas patted his back, and Brooke kissed his cheek, as the three of them began to talk quietly.

Nathan zoned out for the next few acts, guzzling down his drink, and closing his eyes, wondering where Haley had gone, when he heard that oh so familiar name and then voice. "Thank you," it said quietly, and he looked up to see Haley sitting on stage in front of a keyboard, looking scared shitless. He caught her eye finally, and her lip trembled, but she looked away. Nathan didn't even need to look behind him to see the shocked looks. He could sense them, as everyone at their table and anyone who vaguely knew her stared shamelessly.

"I… I wrote this song*," Haley said mumbling her words. He could hear Rachel laughing behind him with some of their friends, but his gaze was intent on her. She began to play hesitantly at first and then her voice somehow sank in.

_Are you trying make me sad?  
Or to keep me on my toes?  
Not the best you've ever had  
But you say I'm pretty close_

Moonlight or sunshine ,  
Morning or night time  
I choose to be alone  
To be my own

Are you trying make me sad?  
Jealousy's a powerful force  
You're the best I've ever had  
But you're not mine, and I'm not yours

Moonlight or sunshine,  
Morning or night time  
I choose to be alone  
To be my own

The birds all sing in blue  
Now that summer is over  
They'll move south and so will you  
You did wrong but you made it seem  
right, right, right

As her voice came to a soft end, her hands fluttered from the keyboard and onto her lap, and she gulped, seemingly staring out at the audience, but really only at him. He nodded, over and over, unsure of what to do or say, unsure of how to feel. God, that song made him realize what a complete jackass he was. All the excuses and all the lies no longer had any shred of defense. He was mistreating Rachel, and he had completely bruised Haley, more than he could have ever imagined. And now more than anything else, he sensed that she just wanted to be free of him. She wanted to be alone now. And he knew he should try to respect that; he really did, but he had no idea what he even wanted anymore.

As Nathan's thoughts swirled his mind, he looked up to see Haley shaking as her fingers rolled into each other. He could see the few stray tears on her cheek, but she wiped them away and stood up. As she did, a thunderous applause came over the room. She tried to smile, but instead wobbly made her way back to their table. Peyton had somehow also wandered her way back to the table, on a break from working.

"Haley," she stopped the girl before she could sit down, "That was phenomenal." She said it quietly, and with conviction, and Nathan knew that was no light compliment coming from Peyton.

Haley nodded, a serious expression on her face, and let Peyton squeeze her hand, before she inched past her to sit down.

"You never told me she could sing," Brooke yelled at Lucas, hitting him on the chest.

"Ow!" he said loudly, widening his eyes, "I knew she played instruments, but I didn't know she sang like that," he said, impressed, "Seriously, Haley, you were so great," he said standing up now to give her a hug. She returned it tightly. "Thanks Luke." Lucas smiled at her, and from the way she smiled back, Nathan knew that the two of them were solid once again. And he could see Lucas sensed it too, as he squeezed her shoulder.

"We should get together, and do a duet next time they have one of these things," Jake offered, and Haley smiled, opening her mouth to answer, when an arm swooped in and circled her shoulder. Nathan glared at the pelty-haired kid, who was now all over her. "I think she'd prefer to work with me," he said, with an air of confidence.

Haley looked up at him in awe. "Your song was amazing, so expressive, and the lyrics are so real," she said gushing to him like a crazed fan.

He shrugged with a cocky smile, "I know." Nathan glared at him, but the guy ignored him. "You weren't bad either. The song was good, but you could do with a little bit of melody work." Haley nodded her head several times, clearly taken in by what this guy was saying. "So what's your name?"

"Haley James," she replied.

"Nice to meet you, Haley James," he said, squeezing her shoulder with the hand that was still draped over it, "In case you didn't hear, I'm Chris Keller." Haley smiled up at him. "And Chris Keller has some studio time coming up, and a track that he could use some female vocals on. You interested?"

"Oh my God, are you serious? Of course. Thank you," she said turning so that she could hug him. Chris hugged her back, and moved his hands to her waist to bring her closer to him. Nathan could feel his fists balling up, and he took a possessive step closer.

They stepped out of the hug. "Is this your boyfriend?" Chris asked, gesturing to Nathan, who was now hovering closely to them. Haley blushed deeply while the rest of the friends, except Peyton and Nathan began to laugh, none more than Rachel who had sauntered her way back to them.

"Please," Rachel said, rolling her eyes to say that a guy like Nathan would never be with a girl like Haley. She looped her arms through the crook of his elbow, and rubbed aggressively against him, "This one's mine," she said a less than subtle possessive tone in her voice. Nathan tightened his grip on her, never having wanted to break her neck more than at this moment.

Chris gave Rachel the once-over and looked unimpressed. He returned his gaze to Haley, who was biting her lip. "So you're the seventh wheel, then?"

"She's not any kind of wheel," Nathan spit out, and Haley glared at him. Chris smirked at Nathan, and if it wasn't for Rachel's hold on him, he knew he would have jumped out and punched the guy. Haley looked at Chris, and shrugged.

"Well then I believe, I am obligated to ask you to dance," he said offering his hand. Haley took it without one glance at Nathan. She smiled almost shyly at Chris, and let him draw her away to the dance floor.

"Aw, they'd be such a cute couple," Brooke cooed as the group sat and watched them dance, "They're both musical, and Haley's so sweet and shy, while he's so overconfident." Everyone nodded their assents, except Rachel who rolled her eyes again.

Nathan could feel the vomit swirling in his throat and he stormed away from the table, finally managing to extricate himself from Rachel's grasp. He hurried until he got to the corner and stared out at Haley dancing with Chris. He was twirling her around and talking while Haley smiled and laughed. She had never appeared so lighthearted to him. He sighed and banged his hand against the brick wall.

"You've got to make a decision," he heard, and whirled around to see Peyton standing in front of him.

"Huh?" She swiveled her head to where Haley was dancing. He followed her gaze and then slowly turned his face back to her, realizing what she meant. "You know?" Peyton nodded. "That's why you were acting like such a bitch this morning."

Peyton gave him a fake smile. "Thanks, Nate, you were a barrel of laughs too."

He ignored her sarcasm, and turned back to look at Haley. "Are you gonna tell Rachel?"

Peyton started to laugh. "Please, Nathan. I'm not making things any easier for you."

He nodded, with the knowledge that Peyton would always force him to man up. "I don't know what to do, Peyton," he mumbled, letting her into his head, and what he was really thinking for possibly the first time in months.

Peyton watched him, sympathy going out to him, and she lifted her hand to put on his shoulder. She let it linger for a moment, before taking it away and saying, "Well you better figure it out. Because she's not going to wait much longer for you. You're going to lose her." He nodded, and she turned to walk away. After a few minutes, he followed her out, and went back to the table. There was no point in watching Haley with him. It would only make him hurt more. The only thing he could do was let the night go on, pretend as if she didn't exist, until the time where he would try to persuade her away from Chris Keller, when he could get her alone.

As Nathan returned to the table, he saw that Brooke and Lucas had vacated to dance. Rachel was also off somewhere, and Peyton and Jake were roaming around the club together, making sure everything was continuing to run smoothly. He sat down alone at the table, his head in his hands, letting the events of the night wash over him. Then he was interrupted by two people sitting down at the other side of table, and he opened his eyes to see Haley and that punk deep in conversation. The asshole was staring at her chest, as she spoke, Nathan observed and his anger started to burn. He wanted to interrupt them, to drag Haley out of there, but he knew he couldn't. He knew he would completely lose her if he did anything now. God, he hated the way he felt now. He never thought he needed her likes this, but he did, God he did.

"So why doesn't a girl like you have a boyfriend?" Chris asked leaning in closer to Haley.

Haley blushed and shrugged. "Most guys just don't seem to want to be with nerds. You know, when they could be with the popular cheerleader." Even though she wasn't looking at him as she said it, Nathan could still feel Haley's eyes on him. He clenched his hand into a fist, before grabbing an empty drink from the table and pretend guzzling it down.

"High School," Chris said rolling his eyes, "An amazing girl like you doesn't need idiots like that."

Haley smiled at him, the rose tint on her cheeks, brightening. She looked so beautiful in that moment that Nathan couldn't look away, even though he desperately wanted to. "So I'm amazing," she asked, quietly.

Chris chuckled. "Well you're not bad as a singer or songwriter. You could use some work. But you're nice and innocent; I'll definitely give you that."

Haley giggled, and Nathan looked up sharply. Haley never laughed like that. Never. She wasn't some flirtatious bimbo, but she was flirting with Chris. Damnit, he thought, as his hand made contact with the wood of the table. Haley and Chris looked at him strangely, before returning to their conversation.

"I have studio time Sunday afternoon. Come, and then we can go out afterwards, just the two of us." Nathan's blood started to boil. He didn't even ask her out, he just expected her to be there. As if she didn't have a life.

"I'd like that," Haley said softly. She smiled at Chris, and he stood up.

"Chris Keller's time here is done, but I'll see you on Sunday." Haley nodded, enthusiastically, and stood up too to hug him. Their hug was held close and tight for several moments and as they stepped apart, Chris held onto her arm and said, "Wait, Haley," he said, gently taking her cheek in his hand and guiding her lips to his. They kissed for a few moments, and Nathan could feel his world falling out from under him. When they pulled away, Haley smiled again at Chris. "I can't wait. Really." He smirked at her before pecking her lips once more and disappearing into the crowd, to exit the building. Haley sank back into a chair, sighing with joy, a smile still gracing her lips.

"Have fun tonight, Hales?" Nathan bit out, disdain and sarcasm radiating his words.

She turned and glared at him. "Fuck off, Nathan."

He felt his body arch backwards. She only cursed when she was really mad. He knew he was digging himself into a deeper hole, but he couldn't stop. "I'd rather fuck you," he smirked at her. He knew he was being an asshole to her, but that was the only way he knew how to conceal how much she had cut him.

Her eyes almost turned red, as shot him the angriest look he had ever received. "Leave me the hell alone, Nathan. We're not together, you made that pretty clear," her eyes began to fill with tears; "I can't keep doing this to myself. I finally have a chance to be happy, so just leave me alone!" She shook her head and got up running from the table and the club.

Nathan chased after her, following her down the stairs leading outside. "Wait, Hales," he said panting, as he caught up with her against a brick wall close to the parking lot.

She turned, letting the cool night air surround her, "What?"

Nathan grabbed her hips, holding her up against the wall. He ran his hands up over her creamy legs, and through her silky honey locks, covering his own body over hers. The thing he had wanted to do since he had first seen her tonight, and even the first late summer afternoon he met her. He could feel her panting; he could feel her desire as he pressed against her just so. And he smirked, before whispering in her ear, his tongue swirling over it, "You know, he'll never make you feel the way that I do." He dragged his lips down her jaw. "He won't make you shiver with one glance, Haley; you won't have butterflies with him -- the ones I feel on your skin every time I touch you." And finally, he left a trail of kisses down her neck, before returning to her ear. "He won't have you screaming his name like you shout mine; you'll never be his like you are mine.

Haley shuddered under him and surrendered to his kiss, pressing her body against him and drinking every familiar but irresistible part of him in. She let his tongue join with hers, and she moaned into his mouth, running her hands over his neck and through his short raven locks. She wanted him so much now. Yet, in a moment the kiss broke apart, and she looked him straight in his dark blue eyes clouded with leftover potent jealousy and now desire, and said, "And he'll never hurt me like you do."

Nathan's arms dropped from around her waist, and he stared at her, not knowing what to do, afraid of saying anything, especially the wrong thing. He didn't need to be. She just walked away instead.

_[*Apologies to The Perishers, for it is your song that Haley sang] _


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: In The Fade**

_Cracks in the ceiling_

_Crooked pictures in the heart_

_Counting and breathing_

_I'm leaving here tomorrow_

_Way down low, I never do you any good_

_Laughing is easy, I would if I could_

_Ain't gonna run_

_Just live till you die, wanna drown_

_With nowhere to fall into the arms of someone…_

_There's nothing to save I know_

_You live till you die _

**~ Queens Of The Stone Age ~**

Nathan pounded the basketball in his hand into the pavement of the River Court. He wasn't even thinking as the ball left his hand and returned, bouncing with one fluid motion. It was all instinctive. He could feel the anger and the pain inside him, but he pushed it away and concentrated on trying to let the ball break into the ground, like an endless bulldozer. He kept dribbling hardly, without stopping, without thinking, just slapping the ball against the black concrete, for no purpose.

"Yo man, you know it's customary to actually take a shot," Lucas shouted as he approached. Nathan just stared at him reproachfully. "Ok what's up your ass," Lucas asked as he grabbed the ball out of Nathan's now uninterested hands.

"Nothing," Nathan grumbled.

"Is this about last night? Why you took off without saying anything to anyone. Rachel was pissed."

"God not everything's about Rachel," Nathan muttered angrily. Lucas looked at him curiously, and Nathan immediately shut his mouth. He didn't feel like discussing this now, especially not with Lucas. He didn't want to get into his feelings. Hell, he didn't know what he wanted at all, but he knew telling the truth, especially to Lucas, was not an option.

"So what's wrong?" Lucas asked again, his eyes taking on his signature squint filled with concern.

"Everything's fine," Nathan said coolly, "No need to worry."

Lucas nodded, still unsure, but not in the mood to question Nathan, as that often resulted in an unneeded explosion. "So you have fun last night?"

"Tons," Nathan muttered dryly.

"I hope you didn't mind Haley hanging out with us too much. I know you're not exactly friends."

Nathan gritted his teeth and bent his hands into fists, but he contained himself. "Don't care, man."

Lucas nodded, getting slightly annoyed. "Ok well, you're clearly not in a talkative mood right now, so I think I'm going to bounce. I'll see you later or something…" He walked off without looking back, and Nathan rolled his eyes. Couldn't he just get one moment of peace, without everyone questioning his motives and feelings all the time?

Nathan laid down on the concrete as he stared at the clouds. He wanted to close his eyes, but all he saw was Haley's laughing and then crying face. God, he had royally fucked up. Nothing was okay anymore, and nothing was going to go back to normal – or whatever was normal for him. He felt so weak, and hated himself for how he was acting. It wasn't fair to anyone – to Rachel or Haley. He cared about Rachel, he really did, but even he could see it wasn't working. By this point, he was just so frustrated with Rachel's behavior that he wished it could be over, but at the same time, he knew it was much too late to try anything with Haley. She would never forgive him now; why should she?

Yet, even that realization couldn't prevent him from wanting to pound that stupid pretty boy musician's face in with jealousy. He knew he had screwed up, and he knew that Haley deserved much better than him, but this guy was definitely not worthy of her either. He hated himself for messing with her sense of confidence that she would think she didn't deserve someone amazing. Haley was one of the best people he had ever met – fun-loving, caring, smart, and yet she didn't pity people. She held them responsible for their actions – herself most of all. And it was all him who had made her compromise her morals. He wanted to give her up so much, but he wanted her more than anything too.

He had hurt her so much the night before. What he had done was childish, demeaning, and manipulative. Nothing was going to be alright anymore, but there was only one thing he had left to do and that was to apologize to Haley. He got up and began walking. Her house was only about 15 minutes away, but it felt like miles. He was so scared and worried of what he would say. He knew she had no reason to forgive him, but he wanted her to so much. He wanted to be able to take her in his arms and pretend like the last 3 months hadn't happened. He tried to shake those thoughts from his head though knowing how utterly unrealistic they were.

Finally, he got there. He stared at her front porch, remembering their first kiss, before walking around to the side of the house. Nathan climbed up the tree leading to her and stared into her bedroom. She was there on her bed, her long hair spread over to the left, as she leaned intently over a notebook. He entered as quietly as possible and stared at her intently until she noticed him. If she was shocked, she didn't let it off. There were no traces of anger on her face, perhaps a little sadness, but most of all it was indifference, and Nathan winced knowing that no look could be worse than that. Her fingers instinctively went to her hair, and she began braiding it, watching him carefully. Nathan closed his eyes momentarily, wanting nothing more than to run his fingers through her long hair, and to kiss her senseless. But, even he could see that anything close to that would not occur.

"Haley," he breathed out, the pain so evident in his voice.

She looked away as if unable to face his breaking voice. "What do you want, Nathan?" as if so devoid of all her energy, that she had depleted any sense of her compassion.

"Hales, I am so sorry for everything. Everything. I don't even…" his voice broke, and he just stared at her, like a lost puppy.

She sighed. "I'm tired of you being sorry, Nathan." She didn't say it angrily, but instead with a huge air of exhaustion.

He hung his head down. "I know. I'm tired of being sorry."

"Then why do you keep fucking up, Nathan? Because I don't understand it." She looked at him, as if potentially expecting some answer that might blow her away. That might uncover all there was to know about Nathan Scott. But he didn't have that. He only had the warped truth, whatever that was worth. Essentially nothing.

"I guess I just liked having the best of both worlds," he replied, knowing it was no excuse, but realizing that his reasons had been that shallow all along.

"I can't be that girl anymore, Nathan," Haley said, the frustration now evident in her voice.

"I don't want you to be that girl, Haley."

"Okay then, I guess there's nothing else to say, is there?"

He wanted to shout that there was so much more to say. That they weren't finished, that they could never be completely done. That Haley still had all of his feelings for her. They weren't going anywhere. But those words wouldn't come out. He knew they wouldn't matter anymore. Haley had made up her mind; he was surprised it had taken so long for her to realize that she did not need to be some jackass's girl on the side. But she finally had, and there was no purpose in trying to change her mind. "I guess not," he finally murmured.

He could see that tears forming in her eyes, but he knew he couldn't go over there and make them stop, without doing something he knew she'd hate him for. God, he wanted to kiss her so badly, but he knew he couldn't. Her words broke his thoughts. "You should go, Nathan."

He stared at her curiously, sensing that there was some sort of alarm in her voice. "Why?" he demanded.

"Can we please at least be civil, Nathan?" she said avoiding his question, "We're clearly going to be spending more group time together now, and I don't want it to be weird..."

"Can we be honest too, Haley?" he said as his blue eyes narrowed into slits and he stared her down.

She shivered and avoided his glance. "Chris and I have a date. I have to get ready," she whispered, "He's supposed to be here in 30 minutes."

"Oh." Nathan could feel his whole world crashing down to his feet. Yet he managed to hide it and put on his cool exterior. He stared at her as if she were a piece of meat and smirked as if imagining her naked, "Well have fun with the punk. Try to keep your panties on for at least an hour."

"God, Nathan, the minute I ask for us to just try and get along, you have to throw insults out!" she said, as she looked at him filled with anger.

"Forget it, I'm leaving. Enjoy your date," Nathan said his voice dripping with sarcasm, "I have to go anyway, I'm sure Rachel's expecting me."

Haley stared at him, tears filling her big brown doe eyes again, but this time he didn't stop to care. He climbed out of the window without looking back, leaving her crying in her bedroom all alone.

The walk to Nathan's next location wasn't far, but as he traveled he noticed the sun beginning to set, even though it was not yet anywhere close to late. It was winter. He took that in, and felt the first draft of cold hit his shoulders. He closed his dark blue eyes for a brief second to adjust to the change in the weather. When he opened them, he saw the same old Tree Hill, the same suburban houses, sets in rows like perfect white smiling teeth. All of it was so familiar, so intrinsically part of his childhood, yet all he felt was disconnection – a sense of an all powerful fakeness cloaking him, while his dreams and memories of reality slipped away. It was then he realized that Haley was the only thing that felt real to him, that truly meant anything. And she was gone. Or he was. He really couldn't determine who had left who, whose fault it was. He would gladly blame himself, but after the final discussion of minutes ago, he really didn't understand how two people who constantly hurt each other could have lasted as long as they did, especially in a clandestine arrangement. He didn't really understand anything anymore.

He made it to the house, and walked in through the front door without bothering to knock, as he had gotten so used to over the past few years. He climbed up the stairs without thought and entered into the room, again without knocking. He stood not far from the doorway, until the occupant noticed him. She too didn't say anything, waiting for once for him to finally to come to her.

"It's over." Those words felt strange coming from his lips. God knows, that the same girl he stood in front of now had said them to him countless times, mostly while drunk, her blonde curls sweaty, her face red with angry, and her voice reaching the highest decibels possible, but still never with a sense of finality, as he felt now.

"I'm sorry, Nate."

Her speech seemed to break a spell and he walked forward, perching himself on the end of the bed, staring at the swarm of colors covering every inch and surface of her wall.

"It's over, Peyton," he repeated.

She walked closer and sat down next to him on her bed. "Are you okay?"

"Maybe," he answered. Truthfully, he wasn't sure. It hurt – more than any other pain he had ever experienced. Maybe it was because Haley had really cared about him. Maybe it was because he had actually cared about her, had wanted her for more than just the superficial. But, at the same time, he knew that Peyton had been right the night before. Things couldn't have gone on much longer. Maybe it was better this way. After all, he had never understood why Haley loved him. Perhaps it was better if she stopped.

"What about Rachel? Are you going to tell her?" Peyton prodded, with a soft voice.

"I don't know," Nathan responded, "Honestly I didn't even think about her,"

"Maybe you should start."

"If I was going to start, it should have been a long time ago," he muttered to himself. "I can't do it anymore, Peyton. Any of it. Be that guy who my dad wants me to be, who the school wants, who Rachel wants, hell who all of you want." He was surprised he was telling her all of this, but in the absence of Haley, who else was there?

"We just want you to be happy, Nathan."

"No," he said, shaking his head vehemently, "No you don't! You want me to be Nathan Scott. Yeah you want me to be a nicer guy, but you still want the basketball star, you still want the king of the school, because if you didn't have him, who else would all of you have to follow. I'm sorry, Peyt, but no, you all still wanted a character, you didn't want the real person. If anyone ever did, it was only Haley."

"Haley's gone, Nathan."

"I know that," he said, his voice on edge. Nathan stood up and paced around the front of the bed, before finally turning back to look at Peyton. "I know that, and there's nothing I can do about it. Except maybe be the person she wanted, the person I want to be."

"You're not trying to get her back, are you, Nate?" Peyton asked, worry filling her voice.

"I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is she's with Chris now. There's not really any chance anymore." He didn't even feel miserable as he said it - just felt the sad cold feeling of inability to stop or prevent the inevitable from taking place.

"She's with Chris, now?" Peyton asked, somewhat surprised.

"On a date, they're together. I don't know. Probably."

"Gosh, I'm sorry, Nathan. Not that I could ever condone what you did, but that's she'd go on a date so soon afterward…"

"Why not? I hurt her enough. She shouldn't have to sit around crying over me."

"That's not fair, Nate. She hurt you too."

"I just don't get it, Peyt. I really don't. Why would we keep coming back to each other, if we were always hurting each other, hurting the people around us, and just generally going against what was right? Why would we keep doing that? I can't wrap my head around it." Nathan shook his head in confusion. His thoughts now swamped in disbelief that not only had the situation come to this, but that it had ever started to begin with.

"It's simple, Nathan," Peyton replied, a small smile gracing her face, "Do you love her?"

_It was a Saturday morning, about a month into the relationship. The previous night had been a whirlwind of activity: the winning of an important game, a party at his beach house that had basically gone on till 5 in the morning. He sighed, thinking of Rachel's drunken self, passed out in his bed. Yet even as all the festivities had gone on, the drinking, the dancing, even the sex, all he could think about was Haley. He missed her. That was weird for him to admit. _

_Nathan parked his car about a block away from her house, so no one would notice its presence outside of her house. He walked the rest of the way to the small, at least by his standards, structure. Although it was already 10, it still felt like dawn. The street was silent, and the houses were dark. The neighborhood was very residential, filled with average but pretty brick and stone houses, and hundreds of trees. He always felt this sense of calm coming to Haley's neighborhood, as opposed to most of his other friends. There was no sense of luxury and grandeur, rather simplicity. _

_As he came to the house, he avoided the front door and took a sharp left to the tree Haley had shown him which led straight up to her window. He commenced climbing it without a second thought and without any fatigue from the crazy night before. The window was partially open, allowing the early-autumn air in, and he just lifted it the rest of the way before hoisting his body over the ledge. When finally in the room, he stood up and saw Haley in the bed, writing furiously in a notebook, as her hair fell in front of her eyes. Nathan laughed and she looked up, her warm brown eyes relaxing when she saw him. _

"_Hey," she said getting up, the pen and notebook falling from her hands. She walked over to him, and wrapped her arms around his neck, before adding, "Sorry, I didn't hear you." She leaned on her tiptoes to kiss him. His hands moved to her cheeks, before releasing her. _

"_It's ok," he said, "I missed you." His arms pulled her tighter against him._

_Haley smiled up at him. "Me too. I'm sorry I didn't make it to the game last night. I was working." _

"_Don't worry about it," he said leading them away from the window closer to Haley's desk. He took a seat in her chair, and she followed on his lap. One set of fingers drummed against her desk, while the rest got lost in her hair. _

"_How much time do you have?" _

"_All day," he said absently. No one he could think of was expecting him, at least till much later in the evening. "You?" _

"_I was going to write a paper, but I have time…" she replied, playing with the collar on his button-down, leftover from yesterday - the uniform required before every game. Nathan smirked. Knowing Haley, that paper probably wasn't due for weeks, and she was working ahead. He yawned then, and her eyes met his. "You're not too tired?"_

"_Never for you," he murmured back, taking her waist in his hands, and shifting her lower body, so that her legs were now straddling his waist. She smiled, just as his lips met hers. His thumbs began rolling circles in her thighs, and she could feel her breathing getting louder. For the past month, as she had adjusted to being with Nathan Scott like this, she had gradually allowed herself to stop feeling so innocent. It wasn't that she had never kissed a boy before Nathan, but it had never been like this. Never with someone who was thinking of making her feel good, who wasn't thinking of the next step. With Nathan, it just happened, as if there was no plan or sequence to it. His tongue was now in her mouth, and her head rolled back, as one of his hands made its way under her black tank top, giving her back the chills. She moved her lips down to his neck, and kissed the little out of sight mole that she loved. Her hands wandered down to the bottom of his torso, as her little fingers began to slowly open the buttons of his shirt. _

_Feeling her fingers begin to reach the top of his shirt, Nathan spoke. "Maybe we should go to the bed," he suggested in a breathy whisper, and she nodded against his shoulder. He lifted her up and half-carried, half-dragged her over to the bed. He came down on top of her, and immediately, his mouth was on hers. She pushed the now open shirt off his shoulders, squeezing them in the process, before allowing her hands to wander underneath his shirt, to feel his smooth muscular stomach. He smirked at the gasps and mewls of pleasure coming from her mouth, as he kissed down her neck and shoulders to her sternum. Her hands were slowly dragging the material of his t-shirt upward, but she wasn't taking it off and he smiled, knowing she was probably too embarrassed to do it herself. "Do you want it off?" he asked, his face in another smirk, hovering above her own. _

"_Yes please," she whispered, and he laughed, as he lifted the unnecessary material off. She smiled and her hands ran all over him tentatively, unsure if she was doing right. It felt amazing, Nathan thought, even better than someone who was so assured that they knew what they were doing. Nathan moved his lips down to her lower stomach as he began to kiss tease her belly-button with his tongue, while his hands rubbed up and down and her sides. She moaned beneath him, her body shaking under him. He could feel himself getting more turned on by the minute. As he kissed the rest of the way up her shirt, right before he made it back to her lips, he heard her voice. _

"_Nathan," she asked, "do you want me to take my shirt off?" _

_He lifted off her slightly and looked at her. He'd seen her without a shirt before, sure, but she had always kept her bra on. However, he knew for sure that she wasn't wearing one now. "I want you to do whatever you're comfortable with," he said, not really expecting her to do anything. _

"_I know," she murmured, bringing her hand to caress his cheek, "But do you want me to take my shirt off?" she repeated. _

"_Do you?" he asked, his head now burrowing into her neck. _

"_Yes," she whispered. His eyes popped out, as she moved his body slightly off of her, and lifted the bottom of the tank top up and pulled it over her head. They were both sitting slightly upright, and she looked at him, worried. He stared at her in awe. To see her fully in front of him was better then he had ever imagined. She was so beautiful. He felt like a gawky thirteen year-old, seeing breasts for the first time, and he immediately told his brain to stop being an idiot, and his mouth was on hers once again, kissing her heavily and sweetly, as his hands roamed all over the front of her body. _

"_You feel so good, Hales, so good," he promised her as he brought his mouth down to kiss the bare skin of her chest and abdomen. She jerked under him, her breathing so heavy by this point, that Nathan thought it might even wake up someone. He kept kissing her, the bare skin of their torsos meeting for the first time. He smiled in his thinking of what a pair they must have looked like. Him in his nice khakis now probably incredibly creased, and her only in big gray sweatpants rolling in her bed together. His arms relaxed around her as the speed of the kissing decreased, and she rolled sideways, before bringing the blankets up to wrap around them. _

_She kissed him once more, before cuddling into the crook of his arm. "I missed you, Nathan. I wish you could be here more often." She didn't say the unspoken words of not in secret, but he could hear them anyway. _

_He kissed the top of her head knowing she meant well. "I missed you too. And I want to be, Haley. But you know how it is. High school, basketball, expectations," he closed his eyes wishing none of that existed. Sometimes when he was here with Haley, he could pretend like it didn't. "There's so much pressure, Hales, and I…" his words broke off, and he just looked at her sadly. _

"_You know you don't always have to be who everyone wants you to be," she said with a twinkle in her eye, and a smile, as she snuggled deeper into his arms. _

"_Shut up, you," he said as he took her lips again in his, trying to kiss away her words, but knowing that they would always stick with him. That at least she thought he could be something more. _

"Yes," he said, never having felt so certain in his entire life, "Yes, Peyton I'm in love with her."


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: Lie In The Sound**

_I love you more than I should_

_So much more than is good for me_

_More than is good_

_Oh the timing is cruel_

_Oh I need and don't want to need_

_More than I should_

_I am falling, say my name_

_And I'll lie in the sound_

_What is love, but whatever_

_My heart needs around_

_And it needs you too much now_

**~ Trespassers William ~**

Leaving Peyton's that day, Nathan still felt torn. He had finally admitted to himself that he truly loved Haley, and on the one hand he wanted to run to her house to run and scream it to her, until she would finally hear him. But another part of him wanted her to be happy. Much happier than he knew he could ever make her. Her words from the night before sunk into him. "And he'll never hurt me like you do." He shuddered just thinking about them. Peyton had said to him that Haley had hurt him to, but if he thought about it he knew that could only be attributed to the fact that he had just been a royal jackass to her for the past 3 months. She was right. He had strung her along, because he couldn't make up his mind about a damn thing.

He sighed as he continued his walk home. Here, alone walking the streets, it was so much easier to be the guy that he wanted to be, the guy he knew that Haley knew he could be. But then there was real life and he knew that it wasn't possible for him to be that good guy that she wanted. That she deserved. There was the anger at his father that he took out on everyone else, there was the pressure and expectations that he hated but thrived on, and most of all there would always be Rachel. Even if they broke up, which as the days passed, he wanted more and more, any future he had with Haley would always be tainted by that. He kicked a clump of dirt in the street. Not, that Chris Keller was any better. The guy seemed like a total punk. But, on the other hand, what had he ever done to prove he was even remotely better in general and for her than that guy. Nothing, he realized. He had never done a damn thing. And now, he seemed just as paralyzed. The only solution he had was to leave things as they were. There seemed no point in fighting for her anymore, no matter how much he wanted her.

The next two weeks passed slowly. Despite, Haley and Lucas's friendship seeming to be back on track, she never really joined their table at lunch, preferring instead to sit with her old friends. Nathan had heard through Brooke, though, and her incessant need to talk about everyone, that Haley seemed to be really happy with the Chris guy. One night, they had even doubled with Lucas and Brooke. Peyton would give him curious looks at the fact that he gave no reaction, but Nathan couldn't help but keeping himself trained and focused on coming across as the cool and collected king of the school that he had fought so hard to be for everyone's sake.

As the days passed, Nathan also got back on track with his friends. He had apologized for his behavior at Tric, and they seemed to accept it. He was back to being the old Nathan Scott. But everything felt hollow. Practice came easy, as it gave him a chance to let his aggression out and to focus on anything else, and Whitey praised him for his performance every day. But after it ended, when he'd be alone in the locker room, he couldn't help just sitting there staring into space, avoiding seeing his friends and avoiding going home. It was like none of it seemed to matter anymore.

It was Friday night, and they had one of their biggest games coming up in just one hour. Nathan walked into the gym, a few minutes before he had to go and get changed. He was about to enter the locker room, when Rachel disentangled herself from the cheerleaders warming up and walked over to him. She gave him a searching look, as he stared virtually blankly back at her.

"Nathan," she said, grabbing his hand, "I need to talk to you."

The last thing he wanted to do was hear another of her now commonplace complaints about nothing in particular, but the way she was looking at him, and the way the rest of the cheerleaders seemed to be glaring at him made him nod, and he walked them over to the bleachers, pulling her down to sit with him.

"What's going on?" he asked, trying to keep his voice nonchalant.

"What's wrong, Nathan?" she asked looking into his eyes, "I know something is. You've just been weird for, well, it seems like months now.

"Nothing's wrong, Rachel."

Rachel sighed and bored her eyes into him. 'Don't tell me that, Nathan. I know it's not true. Something is wrong, and I just," her voice paused, and lowered a little, "I just don't understand why you won't talk to me about it. Did I do something?"

Nathan looked back at her. It was so unusual to see her actually being vulnerable and opening up to someone else about how they were making her feel. Deep down, he felt like a jackass, but he was outwardly too numb to care. "You didn't to do anything. Everything's fine. And even if it weren't, you don't have to worry about it, okay?" He said it without edge, but even as the words came out, he knew it wasn't the right thing to say.

Rachel stared at him, her eyes twitching into a look of disbelief. "In case, you didn't realize, Nathan, I'm your girlfriend. You're supposed to depend on me. I'm supposed to worry about you. That's how this whole relationship thing works." Getting worked up, she added, "God, I'm your girlfriend, Nathan! I'm not just some girl you're fucking! But maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's all you want me to be." She stood up angrily, and he could see the tears forming in her eyes, before she looked away from him.

He sighed, but got up, finally realizing how much he was hurting someone who cared about him. Someone he also truly cared about. He wrapped his arms around her, in a tight hug. It was a certain kind of touch he didn't think they had ever shared before. "I'm sorry," he murmured, stroking her red hair, "I'm so sorry, Rachel. I, uh, I promise it'll be different. I promise." As he said those words, he knew they would be true, only not in the way Rachel probably wanted.

She cried harder into his shoulder before looking up at him, her face seeming real to him for the first time. "I love you, Nathan," she said while biting her lip. He looked back at her, almost shocked. In that split second, he realized that no matter how much he cared about her, and no matter how hard it would be for her to lose him, he didn't love her like that. All he could picture was Haley saying those words to him, and him saying them back with everything he had. But even that seemed an impossibility, and worse than that, he didn't know if he could accept it now after everything that had happened. And as for now, he couldn't tell Rachel how he was really feeling, so he kissed the top of her head, and held her tighter, praying that she would be okay, when he eventually had the guts to end it. Praying, that he too, would be okay.

Haley smiled at Chris as he stroked her wrist with his right hand and dug into the food on the table with his left. They were eating at one of Haley's favorite restaurants down by the dock, since while there were people around, it was secluded enough to feel private.

"It's been so great getting to know you, Haley," he said smiling, after taking a break from his food, "You're a really great girl."

Haley smiled. "Thanks."

So far dating Chris had been easy. They got along well, his arrogance complementing her shyness, and they both had similar interests and tastes in music. And yet she couldn't help being unable to shake the words Nathan had said to her the last time they had spoken. "He'll never make you feel the way I do." It was true. He didn't make her hot and cold all at the same time, or make shivers run up her spine even when he just looked at her. But it didn't matter, Haley resolved, pushing those thoughts away. He was nice and cute and he genuinely seemed interested in her and her music. And yet, she hated knowing that tonight had been game night, and that she had missed watching Nathan play and he wouldn't be coming over in the middle of the night, like he had been doing for so long. But, she tried again to push those thoughts away and focus on Chris.

"I booked us studio time for Sunday, by the way," Chris began, "I figured we could start work on some of your songs. Now that the duet is over." He winked at her and Haley gave him back a bashful smile. They had recorded a cover of Ryan Adam's "When The Stars Go Blue" together, and it had turned out much better than Haley had ever expected.

"Well speaking of that, I was kind hoping," she began in a quiet shy voice, "If you could take a look at some of the songs I've written recently. I know they're nowhere near good, but if you're serious about helping me record and…" her voice trailed off as Chris began to laugh.

"Of course, I'll look at them, babe." She blushed at what he called her and he smirked. "Trust me, there's nothing hotter than reading lyrics to songs a girl probably wrote about you," he added shooting her another cocky grin to which she just blushed further.

She laughed. "Well, I have some in my notebook here."

Chris shrugged his shoulders broadly as if to say take it out. She got it out of her bag and placed the notebook on the table. Chris began to leaf through the pages, nodding, and pointing out particular lyrics he liked, and asking Haley to hum along to some of the melodies he was curious about. It felt really intimate and nice, and for a moment Haley felt warm as if this was where she truly belonged. That was until she came across the lyrics for a song she had written back in October, when things with Nathan were just beginning. She scanned the lyrics, trying to keep herself from breaking out in tears.

_I, I wanna be Somebody  
Who can face the things that I've been runnin' from_

Let me feel  
I don't care if I break down  
Let me fall  
Even if I hit the ground  
And if I  
Cry a little  
Die a little  
At least I know I lived...

_Just a little_

Reading those words, Haley realized that she was running from Nathan, running from the person she loved. And that despite all the heartache it wasn't worth being without him. She gulped and looked down at the page again, hoping to will the feeling away. But it was still there. That emptiness of having let Nathan out of her life. Without even having time to think about it, she could feel her mind travelling to his house, and she couldn't help but feel her feet begin to move too.

"Chris, I'm really sorry, but I have to go," she said, hurriedly grabbing her coat from behind the chair and her purse from under the table, and already walking off.

"Okay," he called after her looking slightly bewildered, but without really asking questions "I'll see you on Sunday though, right? Don't forget about studio time."

She looked back at him momentarily as if in a trance but just nodded lazily, and then ran off into the night, leaving only a mystified Chris and a half-eaten desert.

She stood in the entrance of his doorway, not sure exactly why she was there. Not even sure if he would be there. It was over and had been for the last two weeks. She was with Chris and she was happy. So why had she run away when she had come across those lyrics she had written? Because, despite how much better she felt being in a clean state away from her misdeeds, she knew she was miserable. It wasn't because she could sense Nathan was unhappy, although she could. He seemed so blank to her, whenever she caught herself looking at him in the quad or walking down the halls. She also was genuinely miserable at not being close to him. He had hurt her so much. She knew she had hurt him. And yet all that unhappiness and pain didn't compare to the lost jagged feeling of not being in his life, of not being able to talk to him about her life, of not being able to comfort him about his. None of that pain compared to how alive she felt when she was with him, even in those brief stolen moments they had shared.

She pushed open the door silently, and saw him lying on his bed, his eyes closed, but she could tell he wasn't asleep. She just knew.

"Hi Nathan," she said, her voice quiet, "I didn't even know if you'd be here," she added as an afterthought.

He opened his eyes and looked at her. As always her beauty blew him away: her hair falling down and around her shoulders, her brown eyes so wide and expressive. But it still didn't change anything between them. He couldn't pretend everything was ok after these past few weeks of complete separation, even though she was standing now here in his room. Even coming to the realization tonight that he was truly in love with her and not Rachel, couldn't prevent him from thinking that they were better off apart where they couldn't harm each other more. "Why are you here?" he asked, unable to keep even a little of the annoyance out of his voice.

"I…" her voice broke, "I don't know," she finally came out with.

"Are you alright?" he asked sitting up, worried that maybe something big was actually wrong, and that maybe she really needed him right now.

"Yeah I'm fine, I don't know, I'm sorry for bothering you," she muttered out quickly. She gave him such a sad look that his heart broke even more if that were possible. She turned away, as if about to go, and then looked back into his eyes for a moment. "I guess I just wanted to see you," she revealed, before breaking eye contact.

He sighed. "You can't just see me whenever you want, Hales." He didn't say it with a mean tone, just with the somberness of truth.

"I know I can't," she replied, her voice once again breaking, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here. It was a mistake. Forget it." She quickly turned around and walked toward the door, but before she could get out, she felt a hand close the door from behind her. She turned to stare at Nathan, who had taken a step back and was now several inches away from her.

Something inside him had snapped, and he realized this was it. Right here and right now, was one of those defining moments. He couldn't just let her walk out the door without knowing. He couldn't just let her walk out, since he knew it would mean she would probably never come back.

"Wait," he said, simply.

"Why?" she questioned earnestly.

"Because Haley," he asked with dead seriousness, "Are you in love with me?"

She looked down and seemed lost in thought and silence. "Haley," he repeated, taking her hand and intertwining their fingers together, "Are you in love with me?"

She sighed and finally looked up at him. With his blue eyes pounding into her, she couldn't help feeling powerless to lie. "Nathan, I have loved you from the first moment you smiled at me, and didn't laugh or think I was weird because I tutored. That day you just liked me for me. We were just Nathan and Haley. And I guess all these months, I've wanted so much to just be that again."

"Haley," Nathan murmured, the fear apparent in his voice.

"Hmm," she said not looking at him, expecting him to tell her that he was sorry, that he cared about her, but that he didn't love her. That he couldn't.

"I do like you for you. Everything about you. I love you."

She almost broke down upon hearing those words, and wrenched her hand from his. "Nathan, please don't say that. Don't joke with me. I don't think I can handle much more. Not after everything we've been through. Why can't we just end it now, please? I'm so sick of being hurt, and hurting you, and I just I need it to end. That's why I came here," she said, trying to add resoluteness to her voice, "So we could just end it civilly."

"Haley, it's never going to end," he said as he walked even closer to her as she shivered, "Because I love you," he repeated this time with more assurance. "I love you, not Rachel, you, and I… I want to love you."

She stared up at him, thinking of so many reasons to run away, to forget he had ever happened, but for that pesky one reason to stay. She loved him back. He was smiling at her now, gently, he was seeing her, urging her to join him. And with that she threw herself into his arms. He caught her effortlessly, and soon his lips were on hers, kissing away all the pain, all the fears, leaving only pure unadulterated love.

She pulled away for a second to breathe. He wrapped his arms around her tighter, almost suffocating her. She lifted her face up to look at him, and he brought his fingers, to pull away the strand of hair from her eyes. "I want to love you, too," she whispered, and Nathan smiled widely, once again kissing her with every emotion coursing through him.

Within seconds, their kiss intensified, and Nathan pulled her across the room and down onto the bed. Almost instinctively, Haley's small hands snaked their way under Nathan's shirt to his muscular abdomen, pulling his button down and gray t-shirt up out of his pants. He rose as she sat up and his fingers covered hers as she slowly began to unbutton his shirt. Once it was fully undone, she pulled it off his arms, and grabbed the hem of his t-shirt, pulling it up as he she directed Nathan's lips and body back to on top of hers. He shrugged the unnecessary piece of fabric off and began tracing small circles on Haley's stomach. She whimpered beneath him; her breathing turning ragged. She pulled back from him, looking him straight in the eye as she lifted the white and yellow tank top from her body. As soon as it was off, she pressed her upper body against Nathan's and he immediately unhooked her bra. His hands roamed her back, before pulling the straps off her shoulder, and caressing the skin of her chest.

Haley kissed him harder, tracing her tongue against his lips, before he opened his mouth and circled his with hers. Without thinking, her hands went to the button of her jeans, as she undid it and the zipper. Nathan intuitively placed his hands on her thighs, pulling the heavy fabric down until it slid off her feet onto the ground. He gyrated his hips against hers faster and faster, before he could no longer take it and he undid his own pants, pulling them off. They were both only in their underwear now, bare legs and chests entangled.

"You're beautiful, Haley James," Nathan whispered, and Haley guided his hands to her hips as they led her remaining garment down her legs. Nathan stroked the skin of her legs all the way back up, until he reached his own waistband, staring at her brown eyes as his hands pulled the boxers down. Once they were off, he kissed her, his hands encircling her waist, as she clung to the back of his neck.

There was no moment of reassurance, no moment of checking to see if it was alright. From the instant they had kissed, they already knew there was no going back. And then, without a second thought, it happened. Haley felt the breath getting sucked out of her, as he entered inside of her for the first time.

"Are you ok?" he whispered, his lips against hers. "I don't want to hurt you. I've done it too much." She took in a large breath of air, wincing as the dull pain shot through her. Sweat glistened on her brow, and she closed her eyes, before opening them and looking up into his blue one's filled with concern and panic, but love. She tried to smile but it wavered, and the tears began to trickle from her velvet brown eyes. "Do you need me to stop," he asked worried.

"No, I'm ok, I just I love you," she said quietly through her small sobs.

"Shh," he said kissing away the tears from her cheek, "I love you too. So much, Haley.

"Too much," she whispered back, and as she said those two words, she could feel the initial pain subsiding. Nathan immediately felt the change.

"Is it ok?" his lips pressed against her shoulder, as he asked, even though he already knew the answer.

Haley nodded, and he delicately began to move inside of her. She jerked a little, feeling this sensation for the first time, and he pressed his hands against her hips gently to steady her body against his. He moved in and out of her slowly, almost like a dance of a waltz leading nowhere. Her small hands clung to his back, and she began to lift her body up to meet his. She had never imagined it being like this. She knew it wasn't fast and aggressive, and that Nathan was purposefully being slow and careful, as to not hurt her, and get adjusted, but she also knew that it was more than skin against skin. Haley could feel their bodies coming together as one, she could feel herself melting into him, her mind and her body, her heart, and her soul, were all fully his now. And there was no going back from that.

She dug her fingers into Nathan's back, arching her own, as his movements got just a heartbeat faster. He smiled at her, a brilliant smile, filled with pure happiness, something she hadn't known from him in months. She smiled back, and lifted her mouth to meet his, reveling in his sweet kiss, and calloused hands that were lazily dancing over her neck and arms. He broke the kiss, and rested his forehead against hers, "I have never wanted to be with anyone more than I want you now. All of you. Every crevice, every part of you, Haley."

"You have all of me, Nathan," she insisted, and as the ecstatic high flooded her body, she called out "Nathan! Oh God, Nathan, I'm yours. I'm only yours." She breathed heavily, her hands clutching the sheet on his bed, ad he covered her lips with his to quiet her down. As her heart rate returned to normal, she murmured, "Every single inch of me is yours now."

He kissed her hotly now, fistfuls of her hair in his hands, bringing her as close to him as possible, before he too fell and relaxed resting inside her. "I love you, Haley James. I love you so much," he repeated knowing that from then on he had to really show her it was true.

"I know," she said, her hand moving to cup his cheekbone and temple, "I love you so much too, Nathan Scott, so much more than I should."

"I know, I know," he whispered, feeling his own tears beginning to rise, and he clutched her tighter in his arms, afraid of letting go, because now he knew that after making love to her, to Haley James, there was nothing else, and no one else he wanted. She was it. She was everything for him. And he couldn't bear the thought of losing her now.


End file.
